I called a suicide hotline today. I can't stand the pain.

[Joshgw]

It's a depressive and emotional pain but also manifests itself physically. My wife thinks it was triggered by our problems, especially when she went away last weekend. We need to do couples therapy but I don't know if I can handle it at the moment. I was able to go for a walk with my son today and play catch. It was WONDERFUL. But I need to learn to take credit for it, to own it. But I can't leave him. I need to live so I can experience more of that stuff. No matter how much I say I can't take it anymore and say I'm going to miss that stuff, I can't give in. But there's so much pain. I'm getting all the right help, but it's not enough. I know my son needs me and I need to hold onto this day. But I don't know how. I don't know how to fix it, move on, get through it. I don't know how to fix things either with my wife. It's been too many years. I'm afraid of couples therapy because we might not get through it or be able to contribute equally in my current mental state.

I don't know what else to say.

[CandiceRW]

I'm so glad you called them. Please do it as much as you need to. I wish my son had 😞

[Sueislove]

So glad you called them !!!! Do it when ever you need to that’s why they are there ! 🙏

[Haley7]

Joshgw What a great day you had with your son!

Try to be kind to yourself.

Our mental state keeps us from just that, but we have to work on not being so hard on ourselves. When all the therapy and meds don’t give me relief, I feel like a “failure” and feel there is no hope for me; but if I can snap my brain out of that negative “thinking” and tell myself I’m doing the best I can with these painful conditions (depression and anxiety), it helps. Our minds are very tricky and can lead us to some dark places.

The constant focus of our state of mind, and ruminating over every little thing, can be absolutely exhausting. Our brains need a break! None of us are failures. You are not a failure!

I understand when you say you might not get through something in your current state; that can be debilitating and scary. Know that you are not alone. There are many people that care about you, even strangers on this forum. We can empathize with your pain.

Sometimes we have to be our own best friend. This may sound corny but try this, it helps me:

When your mind gets crazy and racing, lie down and put one hand over your chest/ heart and hold it there, (that alone can be comforting); close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and silently tell yourself “Josh…it’s okay, this is tough but “we” got this. “We’ve” been here many times, and somehow we’ve gotten through and “we’ll” do it again…talk about your son, and how “we” need to be strong for him….and whatever else you want to say to comfort YOU, take care of YOU. You are your own best friend. The one that truly understands you.

I’ve been in such a dark hole and it seems like nothing is enough to help me. I just got angry one day and said I HAVE to change my thinking. I have to help myself. I’ve been listening to different people on YouTube about reprogramming the brain to think positively. The constant negativity is ingrained, and it’s an extremely viscous circle that holds us down.

If we can think more positively (I know that sounds impossible) those positive thoughts can become ingrained just the same. Wouldn’t that be a relief.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Keep fighting.

I hope you have more WONDERFUL times with your son. Just a little each day will be good for you both. He needs you! And your wife too.

Im praying for you!

[Joshgw in reply to Haley7]

Hi Haley, that's a lot of good insight. I already have a whole lot long list o mantras I go through (that they taught me in the hospital), like I have to push through and get through this. And I'm fighting like he'll to tell myself I can't leave my son and need to fix things with my wife, tough I fear it might be too late for that. I do go to a behavioral therapist twice a week and my psychiatrist once/week to try to retrain my brain. My wife has said she still loves me and is willing to be patient but I fear that's run out. I know I'm trying my best, and she does too. But I'm in such a dark place, I'm getting no relief, Ani I fear its not enough.

[Haley7 in reply to Joshgw]

I’m praying for you Josh. It’s never too late. It’s painful for your wife to see you like this, but you are both connected through your son and you always will be.

You have to do what’s best for You at this moment in time! Your wife loves you….your marriage will fall into place when you are healed…you have to believe that and move forward for you. You are helping your family by helping yourself! Trying to focus on saving your marriage with everything going on is a heavy burden right now.

Trust that God is in control. You can, and will come out on top.

When I was at my worst I wasn’t as religious as I am now, but religious music soooo got me through the bad times, many, many times.

I listened to Jeremy Camp, the song is HE Knows. I couldn’t stop crying but it did something for me.

I am now a believer. I am 58; it took me hitting rock bottom to lean on Jesus, falling to my knees and crying out for help. God wants you on this earth Josh. 🙏🏻 Continued prayers ❤️!

[Tara52]

I know how bad that pain feels and I have great empathy for you.💗 Please believe it does not last forever. Hang in there! Suicide is not an "escape hatch" to stop the pain. The mind we "awake" to after the body dies is the same mind we were trying to escape from. My understanding is we all are in a classroom here on earth to overcome obstacles and Iearn. We are not expected to do it alone or without help. God is Love and is always present with you to help. Reach out to Him today. I will continue to pray for you.💞🙏There is hope for for healing and many blessings to follow!😍

[Arymretep]

Well done on calling the help line, they are there to help you, keep calling them, you will get there😘

[Lve2dance]

I called a regular helpline and instead of helping cops came to my house I thought initially to talk.. I was just told initially to go out of my house. Eventually another one came and in front of my parents I was put in handcuffs and taken to a place.. That was definitely not necessary.

[lauralidia]

Hang in there,the skillls you will learn going through this horrendous pain you will be able to teach your son.The things that helped me were prayer,meditation,12step meetings,crying,music,hiking,reading self help books,talking to people,taking a nap when things get overwhelming,tapping,taking care of my cat,going to therapy.Hang in there!

[catch_the_music]

Trust that God has good things in store for you - even though things seems bleak right now. This is just a moment in time. Here is a scripture to focus on -

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29 v 11).

Search the Bible for scriptures on Hope. Search for all the ways that God loves you (John 3 v 16 is one). Talk to and pray with a Pastor over your life. Be Patient. The Blessings will start flowing. Your perspective will change. You will feel better about life. God Bless and Prayers!