I'm so tired. Of this. Depression. I know I'm supposed to be strong but I don't know if I can be

[Joshgw]

I'm just so tired. I promised my 12 year old son and my wife I'd get better. How do you say goodbye to your kid? I'm sorry son, but there's just too much pain. I want stick around to watch him grow up, but right now I just don't care. I've tried everything. Over 20 meds, ECT, TMS, DBT, CBT. I've even been hospitalized. Nothing works. I was in the hospital for frigging 49 days. Most people are there for week, maybe two. I do therapy twice a week and a great new psychiatrist too. I have a safety plan and a treatment plan. I even had my wife hide my pills. I cry/sob almost everyday. Is this all there is? This is not a life. It's torture. I need to end it. I don't care how. Either I get better now or by my own hand. It's been 25 years of this, but this last year has been the worst. I know recovery takes time, but I can't take it anymore.

[ElephantsHear]

Josh. You don’t!!!! You say to yourself if my son took him life how could I bare the grief? You couldn’t. Hang on. Go to ER if you have to and tell them how to feel. My brother took his life when he was 17 and I was a baby- ruined my life and I never saw him. Bless you and go to the ER. Message me if they make you feel bad and remember you already feel bad so you’re likely to interpret a lot of what is said in a possible negative way. We really do care and love you!!!!!!!!!!

[hypercat54]

I am very sorry you are feeling so poorly still and nothing seems to be helping. I know this is probably a silly question but have you tried the self help route? I mean things like looking at YouTube and reading other peoples experiences? This might have more impact on you than the official medial route because they usually don't have lived experience like you and we do.

You haven't got to be anything let alone strong, but when you have a young child you have to stick around for them. If you don't you will be condemning him to a lifetime of pain. Why not make a promise to yourself that you will stick around until he is at least 18?

Stay with us too and keep talking to us. Get involved in the site and see if you can help others as well as often this takes our minds off ourselves.

[Joshgw]

Thank you both for your nice replies. I've done group therapy too and have good support. I have done guided meditation. I've been here a while now and other sites like this. Even Reddit. why am I still in so much pain. I've done everything and all the right things. I just can't take it anymore. I wish I could get better. I want to get better. I really do. But I'm not. My son and wife are the reasons I'm still here. But I'm at my wit's end. So much pain.

[CandiceRW]

Oh my God. I just saw this post. I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner. Here's the shittiest "don't kill yourself" "pep" talk ever.

I have no hope to give, so if you want, just skip it.

But I do have understanding, caring and empathy.

I feel you; for the sorrow and hopelessness and tiredness you have in your heart and soul. It's not ok to never feel ok. There's got to be some relief out there somewhere. Even momentarily, to get you through. I wish I knew what it was that could give you that few moments of peace. I would do anything for you to have that.

But I just don't have the answer. And I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry I can't help. ☹️

Of course everyone is right. You can't do that to your child. It could cause his life to become like yours and I know you don't want that. Trust me.

I have the same conversation about staying alive with my 17yr old son almost every day. He has severe OCD and just can't go on living this way. It's eats up his whole daily life and is tearing him apart. It's so sad.

He sees me and is so afraid he's going to end up 50 still searching for relief. So I keep plugging away at treatments, if nothing else than to show him, not to ever give up.

It kills me that he has this disorder because of me. The OCD, depression and anxiety are all pretty much inherited or learned behaviors from my shitty genes and journey. And now all the physical pain he's seeing me endure now too. It makes him feel like, what is the fucking point.

And really I don't know the point, but I just can't bear the alternative. I try to point out every little thing that's good and everytime he is happy, to show him that that is the goal. To find the right treatment to have more of those moments. I just can't bear him giving up.

And your family can't bear you giving up, so don't. Just suffer through it for them. It sucks and it's not a good life, but at least you are there for them and didn't destroy their lives.

Sorry. I suck at everything, especially making people feel better. But know you're not alone in your endless suffering.

Sending you hugs and wishes of strength. 🫂🦾

Candice

[Joshgw in reply to CandiceRW]

Thank you so much for your response Candice. It's not shitty at all. In fact it made me cry. You're right, I have to stay alive for them. I know that. I've always known that. And I know that I'm not alone either. Thats precisely why im here. But I can't take the pain anymore. As I said above, I'm doing all the right things, suffering and pushing through this. Why doesn't it fucking work.

Thank you Candice, this is actually very helpful and wish you well. I'd love to talk to you more, can I PM you if that's OK. Maybe we can get through this together.

By the way, I'm not sure how genetic this is, nobody else in my family has this and I haven't seen a lot of proof either. But what do I know?

[CandiceRW in reply to Joshgw]

You can totally PM me. I'm going through a lot right now physically, so am at the doctor alot, plus everything else in life. So I may not respond right away, but would love to talk. Good job hanging in there.Candice ✌️

[sparkle557]

Hi,

I’m not sure if I’m the right person to be giving you advice.

First of all I’m so sorry you are going through such a tough time and feeling so hopeless. It’s easy for others to say there is light at the end of the tunnel when they are not the ones having to suffer daily.

We can not comprehend the amount of pain you are in right now (physically and mentally). All I can do is pray for your healing and maybe try to give you something so small to grab on too.

Sometimes we feel as though we are trapped in a jail cell- fighting for our lives to be set free. There is no key and there is no door but there is a shovel. The shovel can represent anyone in your life or someone or something you love so dearly. In this instance your family, your son. Hold onto your son and just keep digging. You may need to dig a little longer and deeper than others but eventually you will escape and you will feel the sunshine on your face and you will feel free.

I do not impose any religious beliefs on anyone but I am a spiritual person. And I do truly believe God gives the strongest battles to his strongest soldiers.

You are not alone, you are loved and you have us all by your side. Do it for yourself, do it for your son…to watch him grow and become just as amazing as you are.

I hope you find the perfect help you need on your road to recovery. Sorry for my rambles but we are all here if you ever need to talk 🥺

[Joshgw in reply to sparkle557]

Thank you for your nice reply. You're right I have to do this for my son. I just have to push forward. But I do feel alone. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and everyone is here to help. But I get no support at home. My wife has been so unhappy for so long b/c I haven't been an equal partner in our marriage. She says she's dead inside and tired of being my caregiver. She feels alone too b/c I haven't been there for her either. She does say she loves me but I get no affection, no hugs,no shoulder to cry on. Your analogy is very apt for me. Thanks again

[Hidden]

Hello. I feel for you. I’m a 51 year old woman, and I know how it gets to the point of what the hell do I try anymore???!!!! Years ago I went through DBT myself. Now I just feel like it was some form of brainwashing or something. I’m in this you just can’t tell me anything mode. Like, been there, tried that, I’ve heard it all before attitude. And I know how I’m coming across as being sarcastic and hostile, and I don’t want to be this way. I don’t know if my response here is helping you at all. I want to tell you to try to have some hope, and I don’t have any hope either. But you know there’s a saying I learned a long time ago, that temper is our biggest enemy and a sense of humor is our best friend. Hmmmmm, that gives me a crazy idea, PLEASE STAND BY…………

[Hidden]

Okay, here’s Madonna in her music video Die Another Day. This is bit violent, you’ve been warned. The part where she’s taking an axe and smashing all the glass, that’s what I feel like doing!!!! I don’t know if you’ll like this or not, but may it inspire you to die another day. And let me know if this didn’t work.youtu.be/VlbaJA7aO9M(Not working as expected?)

[JULIETstevens]

You can do it. Don't give up. Maybe you just need different meds?