Anyone who has read the majority of my posts know that I am living with my best friend and her son. If you have read the posts you would also know that I am madly in love with her which tends to complicate my life at times. She decided recently that the anything sexual between us was possible as long as I sat down and discussed it with my therapist and he 100% believe it would not makes things worse or make my issues any worse. After spend the better part of 4 weekly sessions he said he had no doubt I would be fine. I told my roommate and Sunday night ************** and we both really enjoyed it. Nothing else happened and when we talked last night she told me is was good but she wasn't craving it so we could continue to test our boundaries basically. The only catch is I have to wait until she is in the mood and tells me so before anything else happens. There is where my issue pops up. It basically makes me feel like a glorified sex toy when she wants it. That really isn't a huge issue except I want more and it seems she is more cautious than I am. Is it just me overthinking and letting my desire to be with her overwhelm me? Is she really trying to protect us both amd take things slow? Is she just using my feelings for her against me? My mind is racing and I just don't know. Please feel free to offer thoughts and insights as well as your opinions because I'm needing some guidance right now
Friends with Benefits: Anyone who has... - Anxiety and Depre...
Friends with Benefits
Stop everything you’re thinking and doing.
What Do You Really Want, Dragon3695? You don’t want sex. You don’t want casual. My guess is you don’t want to be with her. You want to be her. Gnaw on that for a minute. Can it be possible? She’s got her s*** together. She’s got a lovely little boy. She’s got a great man (you) at her beck and call who treats her with the utmost respect. She does what she wants: no more and no less. So simple. Wouldn’t it be great to be her? Must be awesome. Heck, I’m jealous of her and I don’t even know her.
I wonder what you really want. I wonder if you realize who you are. Forget her for a second. You. Dragon3695. You matter. A LOT. I don’t know this lady and I’m sure she’s lovely but she’s rather 2D. A side character to you, the main character. You are 3D. She can’t give you what you really want because it’s not in her to give. Don’t hide your 3rd dimension to fit in a 2D world. 🦹♀️
Very agreeable ❤️
I would love to be in your position if it was me I'd just sit back shut up and wait to be her sex toy. But if you don't think you can do that then you need to make it clear that while nsa is fun it can't just be all about her.
It sounds damaging to be in love with someone but only be a fwb to them. It can only end in you getting hurt.
Man that’s a f’ed up. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Making that girl is just a b*****
Your therapist was obviously wrong. I’d get a new one. ❤️🏄♀️
This here is very confusing! She's not ready for anything serious, what else is she waiting for? U there with her, u love her, yet she's not giving a little🤔 it seems like she's wants to play games with u, listen to me this lady is not ready for a relationship, yes a good time in pleasure but nothing else, some of us women out here wish we have what she have and she's playing f....ing games, don't waste ur time pal, sorry to say but it's the truth, ur more into her than she's in u😔😔😔 move on, the right one will come along when god see's fit...
I really wish I didn't feel so strongly for her some times. My feelings for her run so much deeper than any I have felt before. Hell I been married as well as had a relationship that lasted almost 6 years and I never felt as deeply or strongly for either of them
I thought about this last night. Have you ever seen male birds do their mating dance? 🦚Or the way male lions chase around the females? 🦁It’s usually the male doing the dancing and acting and courting. They say the average human woman can mate with 70-90% of the men they want. 💃🏻🕺🏻So how do you compete? How do you get her to want you? Well, there are certain human male behaviors that drive women wild. I believe you could find them with a little research on romance, how to be a player, that kind of thing. I researched these as a woman and had to admit, I’d be attracted even when I know exactly what the man is doing. I can’t help it. Biology. I certainly don’t want to turn you into a player, but in this case, you may need to customize and update your usual mating courtship routines to attract this special woman. Best wishes to you!!
Thanks for the advice. She is special to me in so many ways so she is worth the effort and research. It is just hard to figure her out when 95% of what I have looked up or my personal experience or even my female friends have told me. She really is a tough nut to crack and some days it is super frustrating because I have tried almost everything except 2 things. Be something I'm not and act like a player or just walk away and leave her to find someone that will treat her even half as good as I have
Like the movie Hitch, have you seen it? Oh my goodness, you could be Kevin James in that movie! And that makes me Will Smith! Yes!!! 🤣🤣. I’m joking, of course. I hope you laughed a little. 😀
I always look closely when someone says they have only two options left, because that’s usually a cognitive distortion called black and white thinking. How about a middle ground? Confidence, swagger, bravado, those aren’t player traits; they are alpha male traits. Think Dwayne the Rock Johnson in Fast & Furious versus Dwayne The Rock Johnson in Jumanji. One is sizzling hot🕺🏻, the other is not🧍♂️. How? Why? It’s his attitude, posture, and facial expressions. In the F&F he’s a strong manly man. In Jumanji, his brain is that of a teen nerd, and it shows in how he conducts himself (insecure, shy, puppy dog eyes, etc.). Same body, but alpha versus beta male. That’s my humble take on it. Ultimately it’s your decision on what path you want to take. There are a few. But it’s up to you, and I have a feeling you’ll figure out what to do. 😀🌿
No in most ways you are right. Me moving here with my best friend happened because she has been trying to build up my self esteem and confidence as well as a bunch else because before september of 2020 all I did was game all day. I'm 41 as of last month and on a good day I acted like I was in my 20s if even that old. Im doing better now and I have made strides in a lot of areas but my confidence and self esteem still suffer greatly as do my social skills face to face because I have always hid behind a computer and being on SSI has allowed that because dealing with people i don't know or I ain't comfortable with causes bad stress which keeps me from working. Now thanks to her, I have lost some weight and I do most of the housework. I also help watch and raise her 3 y/o which is an adventure because he is a trip. She has helped my life out so much.
Wow! 🤯 You really have some good insights there about your own behaviors and patterns. I have trouble seeing you as someone who struggles with social interaction. You socialize well here! 😀
It is easy to socialize behind a screen because no one can judge you on appearance or how you dress. The fact I have been over 400 lbs. before made me very aware of that fact. I final lost some weight and I been as low as 303 lbs. but started slacking off and went back up to 316 lbs. When you are in front of people it is harder because when you have had as many issues with mean people as I have you just stop going out when you lack the confidence to stand up for yourself. Lord knows I'm somewhat better now but I got a very long road ahead of me with all my medical issues and such.
could you please PM me with your research!!! TIA!!! 
What research are you wanting?
He’s asking me for research on how to win the woman of your dreams. Hi Dragon3695!! How did things go? Are they still going?13ga , see endofheartache1290 below! He’s onto something there. 😀😉🥳🤩
Long story but not one I currently care to talk about right now. Maybe later or maybe by PM.
I hear you.🙏🌱
yes... opportunity knew....
I agree and disagree. So you are 100% right on confidence. That is key with anything. If you want to present better you have to have an air of confidence about you. Even for something as simple as a PowerPoint presentation. However, in humans there is no such thing as alpha/beta. It's based on research that was debunked but was still used anyway because money basically. So what you are referring to is confidence in yourself and what you can do that leads to attraction. There are no specific traits that will lure a woman outside of that. There is no certain style of talking or way of talking that will attract anyone. There are however a base group of traits that are needed. Those are confidence, humor, sexuality, and respect. Now these things are broad for a reason, expect for respect (no one likes to be treated poorly). Not everyone's humor is the same and not everyone's confidence is the same. Meaning that someone can be confident about their body and talk about that. Someone else can be confident in their intelligence and so on. But yeah aside from that there is nothing else that will lure a woman. Now comes the shitty part, you have to be good at talking, and you have to be somewhat attractive. This is true for both sexes. After all we are all visual creatures first. Our eyes are front and center for a reason. And if that attraction isn't there it's pretty much guaranteed that it's never going to be. Personality is what makes or breaks after attraction. As you pointed out what makes Johnson's characters different is they way they carry themselves. And if the person you are talking to bores you or isn't engaging in the right ways then that is a mood killer for either sex. So that means that if you are not good at talking and you are less attractive than most you are pretty much SOL. Again, this holds for both sexes not just males. So the only real way to get anywhere is to put yourself out there and hope for the best. If you are not super charismatic by nature you might be able to learn to be but sometimes it's just not going to happen. And if you are not born attractive there isn't much that can be done about that either. Life is not fair. I have struggled with this my whole life as I am not charismatic at all. I struggle severely with body language and noticing the signs that a person is interested. This makes me seem uninterested and thus I get passed on. Even if I am talking about something I am super confident in I can't communicate my interest effectively. Sorry for the long response it's an interesting topic and I just wanted to add my thoughts.
As silly as it may sound, not everyone bases attraction on looks first. I have always been a guy that talked to who I liked and got to know them before I ever see them. Part of the reason is I feel much more confident behind a computer screen or a headset. I know I have my faults so I find ways to work around them and accept them at the same time. If I fall for a woman's personality her looks aren't important.
I get that but attraction still holds. If we are not physically attracted to a person at least in some way it's not going to matter how great they are. it doesn't mean that we think they are the most perfect attractive person on the planet. But something has to be there. It just won't work otherwise. However, you are correct in that deeper attraction is not based on looks. The strongest relationships are deeper and filled with other connections. Looks fade over time but if you can bond over other things like humor or books or a shared sense of adventure and get that closeness in different ways/areas that is what will make a relationship last.
I also should add I have always known I was more into her than she is me. Shw is not attracted to me in any way. She wishes she was because she knows how good of a man I am and how good I would treat her. She has never been shy about being bluntly honest with me and that is part of why I fell in love with her. She never lies to me to spare my feelings or anything. She constantly challenges me to be better every single day than the last. The fact I have found her attractive came long after I had fallen for her. Hell I never met her face to face until I moved into this apartment with her. It was strictly an online and over voice chat relationship
Hey Dragon. To me, this story does not end well. I'm not a therapist but I know your story because you do tell it, well in fact, but as nice and lovely the lady is, one would think she is using you when she needs you but I might be wrong and I do hope that I am wrong.
I hope you are too but I am beginning to believe what I hope for may never be enough and that realization is very detrimental to my emotions currently so I been trying to redirect a lot of feelings and emotions while I sort through them
They say hard times makes us grow bcz they teach us some things, so I realy hope this is a lesson but I do hope as well that things work out for good. Everyone deserves to be happy at the end. Take care
Thank you. I believe everyone deserves to be happy as well as long as they are willing to put in the work and fight for what they want like their life depends on it. Take care and thanks again for the advice and encouragement.
In my own opinion you need to leave this relationship and move out to live your own life. You love your friend and are not going to be able to draw a line in the sand and make that distinction that you are just friends with benefits. It's not going to happen. You have also stated that this person doesn't find you attractive which means you are going to get used and take it from someone who has been used for sex, it's not fun and it really messes with your head after a while. You need to be in a place where you have support but are not attached to the person in this way. You are placing to much emphasis on this relationship hoping that if you stick it out long enough it will work out and everything will be fine. It won't. You will keep breaking down, you will keep suffering, you will not heal and move on. You need to work on yourself right now. that is not to say that you can't have flings or whatnot with others. You can but don't do it to your own detriment. And right now it's to your detriment. This person does not want to be with you and it honestly sounds like you both are trying your best to placate each other but it's unstable ground as is. What are you going to do if she starts dating and you have been hooking up? Can you honestly say you are going to be okay with that? And that is my point. Putting so much emphasis on this relationship, hoping that it will work is only hurting you. Leave. Prioritize yourself and find someone else who does love you and care for you in that way.
There is a reason why sex should be only for marriage. There are soul ties created with anyone you are intimate with that do not just go away the instant you stop being intimate with each other and those soul ties have consequences when you are not married.
Until recently, I never had sex with any one I wasn't in a relationship until recently and it is something I don't regret. I believe any time you have sex there is a connection or at least it is what I believed until recently. I know where my heart lies and what I believe. She is not like me and can have sex without any connection so I took the chance since I care for her a lot. I don't know why she stands where she does but I enjoyed it and all I did was preform oral on her and received nothing in return. I enjoyed it so much that I don't care I didn't get off I want more and now the fact I apparently was so excited about how I enjoyed it she is afraid to do anything again. That bothers me on several levels and makes me wonder more if she is scared of enjoying herself and/or developing feelings for me.
Without reading all the responses, when you have sex it is the most vulnerable you will ever be and the relationships change until the safety is resurrected. It is imperative to be kind to each other or the other person might not feel safe or hurt. I think women feel even more vulnerable but that is biased and not true. Both of you let your guard. Sometimes it needs to come back up on both parts. Honesty is where you both are. Sex should be that special instead of just a biological function.
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