I’m not English native therefore super sorry for lacking English skills or frequent mistakes.
I’m 27 years old. I live in a big city. Have a small circle of friends but it’s really difficult to open up to them. They know something about me but they know no details.
Since October 2016 I struggle with depression. I’ve been for a month in psychiatric ward, it helped me tremendously! It’s half year since that. For a month I’m falling deeply, I’m not feeling hungry or thirsty ever, I barely can move my legs without feeling pain, I sleep for 16 hours mostly every day. Get up from bed around noon, to feel desperately tired by 3pm, I generally sleep then for two three hours, to get back to bed by 10-11. I feel such anxiety during the day that it makes me search through internet like a mad person for help. I read all articles at such speed that it scares me already that I may be addicted... it feels so strange when I scroll and scroll through the words only to get help! I don’t trust god as I have bad memories with him... I believe in his existence but I also believe that he doesn’t want to help me - support me, “cuddle me” or send me any help. Nonetheless whenever anxiety hits me - and that’s usually the strongest when I wake up - I pray like crazy... I don’t even recall what I’ve thought I just keep going more and more in asking for help or just repeating formulas. I also read bible - opening up in random pages looking for any advice or support.
I feel very lonely. My mum and my dad with whom I live for a month now, after being on my own for the last five years, don’t even hide their bitter judgement. After not doing anything for a year I am a broken to zero, I have massive debts in friends, banks and companies, I ruined my well working company, I lost all my workers having withdraw from work each by each. I feel like my email or phone are full of messages that usually say that I am a thief and I own money.. I also receive many messages from companies that I’ve been coworking with that they want to meet me, write them back or anything from me. I have no idea what they may want but it scares me to death! The girl that suffers from bipolar and that I was really close with during that year wrote me after two days of our break up that she knows now what has pt her so low and that it’s me. It’s been a month since that message and I can’t even open the messenger without getting the feeling of complete misery.
The whole story roots in my four years relationship with a married man that I suppose has npd, but it may be as well my way of taking my mistakes a bit easier on me. He was married and with a one year old baby when I met him. It was the fastest getting to know each other and after two meetings I was completely overwhelmed and so thrilled. I didn’t know the feeling of anyone wanting to get to know me or meet me or being interested in me. He was so much. Just after the first meeting he would keep texting me, sending interesting videos or articles. He was my private language teacher as I was very ambitious at my studies and wanted to go faster and further with the language skills. I remember very well when he kissed me for the first time. I didn’t want it. I was pushing him away and saying no. But it happened. After just a two weeks I already had a sweet nickname. We had sex after one month, which for me was extremely fast, as I only had one boyfriend earlier and it took me three months to get physical with him, not to say anything more. I felt very young for anything like this. And he, he had wife, kid and was ten years older! After first sex I was buried. I would write down in my diary that I want so bad to withdraw from this, that I feel that he’s gonna use me and after three months of fun he’ll dump me. After five months he told me that he’s gonna be a father again and that his wife is three months pregnant. I said goodbye. He cried and cuddle me but eventually we went homes. He came back after few days telling me whole scenario for the future. And I stayed. When his wife was 9 months pregnant me and him went to his homeland for three months as he has some very important business to do, he said so to me and to her, but it turned to be three months of traveling through his country, spending incredible amount of my money only. Anytime I would ask him to pay me back, he would say that he wouldn’t have come here if it wouldn’t be for me so it’s my responsibility. By that time I was taught already how not to fight with him as it would always turn extremely bloody. After one year and half I would tell him I love him. He laughed at me and I never went through such breakdown. We were again away and that was just one day before we were going back. I was lying in bed next to him, he was sleeping soundly and I was completely dying with huge chest pain and difficulty to breath. He told me his I love you few months later before we head for vacation with his wife and kids - as from the moment she was pregnant I was introduced to her and all her family, stay with his son or simply with her for talks. After giving birth he would make me give her easy job at my company. We would all be very close. I truly believed his I love you as he squeezed me so tight and said it with all his soul. The first two weeks of vacation was really difficult to me. He would play happy husband and they both wouldn’t pay any attention to me mostly leaving me to stay with kids when they would go to meet with friends or his family. I was getting very desperate. He would push me to have sex with him, if that can be called sex.., when his wife would leave the house. I was not only petrified she will see us... I feared everything and I was tremendously hurt to see his behavior that was so opposite to what he would tell me. I become very grumpy to him, would scold him often and criticize. So he said I love you for the second time at the beach when his wife was only few meters away. I was sure she heard but don’t know. I would always be very caring for her and kids, honestly and sincerely. I really cared for the whole family. I was helping them with their financial issues, covering up for shopping or vacation. I would give his wife work and never complained about her very low performance - I only once did and that was a very subtle asking for correction but that came to be a tornado over my head delivered by him only a couple of hours later. So never again I did. She left the work herself when she got pregnant for the third time.
After this first family vacation I was seeing psychotherapist for two day a week. Until last summer. Then when my depression was extremely bad I switch to psychologist from the psychiatric hospital - she would do with me schema therapy. Now I’m also a part of a group for people with personality disorders. I haven’t been diagnosed with any but I have some tendency to the dependent one.
I guess I broke and switch from leaving as I was petrified that they will have another baby and that by then it will all happen to be a lie. His wife started to talk to me about wanting to have a baby somewhere around that October or December. He said that they do not sleep at all together. He admitted to me that they slept together for the first time in April. By that time I was already super bad, leaving my home only to meet with him, I stopped working months ago and money was almost drained. We went together, me and him, for Easter to his mother and when we came back I told him that I am leaving the minute he tells me they will have another baby. He was very much petrified and offended by my comment and asked me when did I come up with this idea... they slept together exactly two weeks ago and she told me she’s definitely conceived the day later. He denied and denied. And I was looking for proves, sneaking around his house or trying to get to know anything for sure. I was so in pain that he lied to me. And that he betrayed me as he promised me so often that he will never sleep with her again... it was painful for me. He never told me that she’s pregnant, he would deny over and over that he doesn’t know about it. She would say out loud when she wanted to leave the job. I left him. Two months later he came back. First with scenario to repair things between us that we will only be friends. He used me that I promised him we will be friends when it will finish. So I stood by my words. It took a month. He couldn’t bear whenever I would say that he’s a liar, that he used me, that I want money back that he borrowed and so on. He would tell me right in my face: I don’t want to know you anymore. That killed me. I began to send him text messages that I wish him so bad. His mother came to talk to me and to convince me of leaving the town and going to their country. Two day later I would be in hospital already wanting to kill myself but was so afraid to do it either.
We do not have contact. I met him few times on the street. None of this meetings was even ok. We sent few messages most of them contain the way I left them with nothing and how bad they are. They also moved away and live now at the village. They run away. She came month ago and beated me... she was kicking and throwing my head over the wall for full half hour. I had twisted neck and concussion. Didn’t go to police. She only said that there was no money ever taken and that I should forget. She also said she want me to be gone from earth and that if I won’t make it myself - and she used: after all you are suicidal - she’s going to do me that favor. At first I thought she cane as she got to know but now I’m really sure she knew from beginning. I was a girl number four that would support them financially, stay with kids, fix difficult things. When I came they were only two years married, five years knowing each other and already he had three full time lovers.
Thank you for this possibility to write it down. It’s my first time. My parents and my psychologist know that he was my lover. But none of friends. They may think as we were never hiding but still nothing was obvious or said aloud.
Thank you!
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