Just looking for some advice here. I ... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Just looking for some advice here. I have been going nuts trying to figure out what to do.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
29 Replies

To start off I joined here hoping to find help. This is my first time reaching out to people I don't know. But I appreciate the advice.

I am in a polyamory relationship. When we first started dating we talked about all this upfront and we both were fine with it. I was doing well with it for awhile. But recently she seems to be jumping the gun to find another partner. She has found one and been talking to him for about 2 weeks and already has met up with him. Coming up this week she would like to get together to sleep with him. I have no problem with this.

I have recently had my doubts about me being told the whole truth and have done some digging (even though I know I should not have) and found out her and her best friend are all bragging about this and also that she does not want me around as much. But has not communicated any of this with me and acts like everything is fine. I know she is really into this new guy (it is to be expected). Things between us have not felt the same for awhile even before she started looking for another partner.

To be honest the sex has even dropped of for awhile before this. I believe to a medical issue. We are still waiting on the answer for that.

I am running out of options on what to do. I really do care about her and think we can make something work. But I am having problems making it past what I now know. She says she loves me and that I will still be her main partner in this. I do believe her especially since I still feel a connection.

We both agreed on this style of relationship because of the way both of our past were. If I didn't snoop and find out what I found out I would of never knew and probably would of been ok with the whole situation.

It makes me wonder what else I may have missed this whole time. I am just having problems trying to figure out what to do. I feel like alot has changed for this situation. And it also has shown me who my real friends are.

29 Replies

Hello I think if you really care about her you should get away from.this relationship it will do your head in she obviously doesn't feel the same or wouldn't want to see other people you need more self worth she doesn't appreciate love you and sounds very fickle and care free no concept or wanting for a proper loving relationship well that's my opinion take care 🤗

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to

Thank you for the reply. I will take this into account. She is an amazing person and honestly close to #1 in my book that I have been with. But I will still listen to your advice.It's going to be hard especially with the holidays and other things in play.

in reply to Dreamweaver2

I understand but sometimes our emotions can get in the way of what's really right for us and it's hard to accept breaking away but you will get over her and find a new love who can give you happiness and security instead of having to post on here 🤗

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to

Thank you for that. I posted on her because none of my friends would understand. And the few I can talk to are all really busy.

CarlJames profile image
CarlJames

It doesn't sound like there is a lot of love, caring, or respect in the relationship, particularly from her side. I would begin by asking yourself what is she getting out of staying in the relationship with you, and what are you getting out of staying in the relationship with her, and are you OK with that?

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to CarlJames

That is a good point to start with. I know she originally told me that she misses having someone there. She does not depend on me for anything financial. I know that she definitely doesn't need me just tells me she wants me there.As far as what I am getting. I know I have freedom but don't have someone up my butt all the time. I have someone there when I need them. And enjoy the emotional connection that I feel with her.

I probably benefit more in the relationship then she does. But that's not why I stay.

CarlJames profile image
CarlJames in reply to Dreamweaver2

Well, I'm no psychologist or therapist (just someone who's navigated through life for several decades ;) ) but relationships are complicated, and the type that you have has its own particular complexities. There is always a risk that she will meet someone who disrupts her feelings about the set up you have, or that you might also. But it sounds like that is what you both signed up for.

As far as I can see, you have two options - accept what she says about wanting you to be her main relationship, at the risk that may change or have already changed, or move on and find a relationship where there is greater honesty and trust.

She has a home life with very few strings attached, and a single dating life with very few strings attached. You'll have to decide what you really want, because it sounds like maybe you don't feel you have what you really want from a relationship.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to CarlJames

I appreciate the words of wisdom. I want to believe her but after reading what she sent to her friend. It makes me think she doesn't want me around that much anymore.

AuntBee profile image
AuntBee

Open relationships are just that. They are open. Shes not “your other half” so don’t confuse yourself. That’s not included in open. Shes not “jumping the gun to find another partner”. Again its the open concept. Why shouldn’t you dig for the truth? Its the only way to see. If you believe shes not interested in you anymore, just ask. As in any relationship you have, whether its one or multiple, communication is key. But ask yourself, are you sure you are ok with an open relationship? It’s a difficult web to live in. No judgment here.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to AuntBee

Yes I am sure I am ok with it. And it's not actually polyamory relationship. She has just recently called it open because people didn't seem to understand.

Googoodollsfan profile image
Googoodollsfan

Oh come on!!! You say you have no problem with this??? Well, I don't believe you. I think this whole idea of having a polyamorous open relationship is downright delusional. I know I'm being blunt, but there it is.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to Googoodollsfan

I know how you feel trust me. But given the fast that I have had more communication in this style of relationship then any of my others I think its principles work well. And all my other relationships have ended with me being cheated on. And with this style of relationship as long as you have communication then it works.

b1b1b1 profile image
b1b1b1 in reply to Googoodollsfan

You put it very directly, without mincing words and I agree with you.

Sedani profile image
Sedani

Hi, Since this is an open relationship, does she feel the same when you meet other partners?

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to Sedani

She clames she does. But I have not found anyone to find out if she is telling the truth or not. Judging by tge reactions I get from her she feels happy for me when do meet possible people.

in reply to Dreamweaver2

Why don't you tell her you have met someone see how she feels then no harm in white lies and one day you may do

Sedani profile image
Sedani

Trust your instincts. Do not invest all your emotions while you do not get anything in return. You will end up resenting her and hurting yourself. Love You.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to Sedani

I am going to try. I just got done doing something and went to her place. And I told her I had errands to run.. And then she said that was not part of the plan she want to spend the day with me.. But given the information that I have found She had told her friend that she had wanted space and distance because I would have been around too much. But yet she tells something different to my face.

A huge part of me has been wanting to believe her but now that I read the messages I'm unsure. This has been locking around in my brain for a couple days now and I had nobody else to reach out to

Jstbcuz profile image
Jstbcuz in reply to Dreamweaver2

I would be questioning the person who is providing you information. What is the real reason they are showing you texts etc. Just sounds fishy.

Jeff1943 profile image
Jeff1943

Hi Dreamweaver, let's seek the wisdom of Roy Orbison on this matter:

"Golden days before they end

Whisper secrets to the wind

Your baby won't be near you anymore

Tender nights before they fly

Send falling stars that seem to cry

Your baby doesn't want you any more

It's over!

"It breaks your heart in two

To know she's been untrue

But, oh, what will you do?

When she says to you

There's someone new

We're through, we're through!

It's over, it's over, it's ov-er!

All the rainbows in the sky

Start to weep, then say goodbye

You won't be seeing rainbows anymore

Setting suns before they fall

Echo to you that's all that's all

But you'll see lonely sunsets after all

It's over, it's over, it's ov-er

It's over!"

Sorry Dreamweaver, Roy seems to think it's ov-er.

The trouble with open relationships is that sooner or later one of the parties falls head over heels in love with some new person they've started sleeping with and their 'main partner' becomes history.

Then out come the excuses like she can't sleep with you for 'medical reasons' even though 'medical reasons' aren't an issue with her new lover.

Call me old fashioned but faithfulness and loyalty in a relationship have much to recommend themselves.

b1b1b1 profile image
b1b1b1 in reply to Jeff1943

I could not agree more. These types of relationships are to me not a "marriage." Also, what happens when and if children are born?

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to Jeff1943

I will be honest here and the medical reasons are real. But I do see where your coming from with all of this.

in reply to Jeff1943

Wise and true words from you and Roy 🤗

Cookie101 profile image
Cookie101

I'm afraid that I don't fully understand the complexity of a polyamorous relationship, so apologiesif this is not helpful, but I think my first question is, have either of you been in this kind of relationship before? If no, is it possible that she has mistaken a polyamorous relationship with an open one? From what I have heard, there is a particular social structure which differentiates the two. It's more than just sex.

You've said how she is fine with you having other partners, how would she feel if you and the new partner were intimate? Would she be OK with this? After all he is not just having the relationship with her, but with you as well.

It's really up to you to decide how to move forward in your relationship, but be certain of what your stepping into. Any relationship where one participants feelings are not being heard, or respected over the others, is an unhealthy one.

gerrerd profile image
gerrerd

Sounds like its time to move on.

Personally I feel in relationships, we reap what we sew. I can imagine and understand the need for this type of relationship, that is both yours and partner decisions, however we will eventually either you or Partner will fall into a twin, normal relationship when either you are girlfriend will need the warmth and sexual security of a truthful and honest relationship

Personaly you may be entering the phase where you wish for a loving relationship and you are understanding this in comparison is not so in this case

It is all up to you with this sex partner, the relationship will fail and this is the case with this woman. If we keep looking for someone and do what is the case here either one of you will pull away and this relationship will undoubtably fail

Personally I was the complete opposite when I was younger, brought up during the sexual sixties, I still looked for that tight inclusive relationship and expected a strong truthful relationship where Sex was nice however love and truth and considerations between us was more important. Many of my contempories were similar in the sixties seventies, sad to say yes they settled down although their married relationships seemed to fail. Take that any way you feel and expect marriage to be vital and honest

BOB

Midori profile image
Midori

To the best of my knowledge polyamorous relationships form mainly between a close group of friends, not strangers. They all get themselves checked out regularly to ensure they are not bringing back any STDs to the group.

It doesn't appear that this is the case here, so please be careful.

It's not my bag at all.

Cheers, Midori

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2 in reply to Midori

I understand where your coming from. But in our case it's hard to find people like that here. I know of alot of swinger groups. So she wanted to start our own group.

Dreamweaver2 profile image
Dreamweaver2

I decided to stick it out and try to communicate about everything. Alot has gotten better. But I still seem to do alot without thinking and it creates problems sometimes.

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