Irritated and having panic attacks

[maldonado85]

I dont even know where to start. I am just so completely irritated and maybe i shouldn’t be. 4 yrs ago my husband and I lived seperate for a while due to thinking our marriage was over and just trying to figure things out. We lived apart for 2 yrs. Fast forward to the last 2 months. He started working with a good friend of his. This friend decided to buy him a $3,000 surround sound system for our house. My husband accepted it. Now yesterday my husband came home from work with a new 2016 car. Im like how are we going to afford this on top of the mortage and bills we have. He informed me that the guy he works for (his friend) and another friend bought this car cash for my husband. Saying how much he has changed and done this and that for his family and bought us a house and so on. While I was excited I admit when I saw the car I woke with major anxiety this morning and Im sitting here thinking like #1: idk how you can accept high dollar purchases of the surround system and a $20,000 car. like I dont care who it is from if i didnt work to get it on my own I have to right to have it given to me. #2 what about the crap I help with toward helping to better our family. The house we now own would never have happend if I was not part of the finance process since my husbands credit score was 600 and mine was 800, plus I took a hardship withdrawl from my retirement to put the down payment on our house. My thinking its a good investment. 2 month into living in our new home my husband wanted a motorcyle so I co-signed for him. But I get thrown to the ground like I did nothing to help in any way. Plus I have been the one dealing with his alcohol abuse while his so called friends no nothing of it. I just want to snap.

[Jeff1943]

You need answers, as you suggest nobody just buys their friends $20,000 cars, not unless they're millionaires.

Has your husband some source of income that you are unaware of and paid for these things himself?

You have a right to ask questions if things don't seem to add up.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Ok, take a breath. I hope there are no children involved with your family. You have a lot of investigating to do.

1) none of this sounds real. So, I'd get a credit check done to make sure he is not using your name. 2) Open a bank account in just your name and stash some cash away. 3) Get out of this marriage (just my opinion). Something is not right. 4) Get a support system in place of family and friends in case you need a place to go.

[B4andafter]

Man, I'd be pissed off and anxious too. It all sounds fishy to me. Friends just don't go out and buy $23,000 worth of items for friends as "gifts". Lazydog is right about checking your credit file and opening up a bank account just in your name (and don't tell him about it). When he rattles on about how much he's done for the family, that's a deflection designed to get you to stop asking questions by making you feel guilty-don't fall into that trap. Get the answers you need by further investigation elsewhere. Depending on what you find out, ending the marriage may be an option.

[maldonado85]

Thank everyone. I have checked my credit and nothing has been opened in my name so all is good there.

He has stated that our friend pretty much bought him this because my husband is doing a lot of work on his house. Honestly this guy does have money. He is what we would say an american ninja. He is in the military and gets a large amount when he is sent to do dirty work over seas and make people disappear.

Just kind of hanging low for a little while to see if anything else happens to appear. Still all weird about it and today has been the first day in 5 days I have ate anything. I had to substitute shakes for food because i just wanted to throw up with my anxiety being so over powering.

[Agora1 in reply to maldonado85]

I'm so sorry Maldonado that you are going through this. As others have said,

nothing in this life is given for free. There is always a catch somewhere. Just a

thought but I'm wondering if your husband may not be doing something illegal

for his friend and this is a way for your husband to stay quiet. Watch yourself,

you don't want to get caught up in something that may go sour.

Take the advice of others and have a safe place to go if push comes to shove. xx

[Hidden]

Yes I can see you have been marginalised after all the help you have put into your home and your work. May be your husband has felt threatened by your experience and knowledge of finance. You had a higher credit score than him. Now you are together and have a new home, and your husband has an alcoholic problem and is spending on which you have co signed for as a guarantor, you have to question what has been going on.

Do you think your husband was desperately unhappy when you separated, he wanted to buy the moon to show you he was the major provider looking after you. To do this he might have mentioned that you liked a certain lifestyle that was beyond your joint means.

The present from his friend was a sign that he had a close friend who he had confided in and who was giving your husband a bonus in the form of a car, and money towards the house. May be your husband had achieved certain goals and helped your friend's business

and it was a gesture of goodwill. The point is that if his name is the first on the mortgage deed he is responsible for debt. I think he is using your finance skills and your talents to bolster your joint status. This situation happened to a family member who had a partner who was an accountant. When they split up, the relative was not entitled to a share of the house as she put money into the household expenses, and we gave her the money for a deposit. The rat went off had some offspring, moved house and there was no offer of redress for the money we had outlaid and as he had the mortgage deed in his name he was able to hop off and leave the relatives to bear the cost of his career and advancement.

My relative said it would upset her too much to go to court or persue the matter so for her health we had to swallow the insult and put it down to experience.

If you have separate bank accounts, and he is buying goods using your co signature

when his account won't bear the brunt, then you have a right to know if he is in debt.

Alcohol will cloud judgement and if he is going to be a serious biker will he be off at weekends with his biker chums? Will he be drinking whilst motorcycling taking risks?

To move on you have to ask are you happy with him, or do you think he has encouraged you to be in debt with a new mortgage. Your husband has not realised that now he is under an obligation to his friend to continue the success, and is no longer in the driving seat in your marriage.