My life the past 1 1/2 years - Anxiety and Depre...

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My life the past 1 1/2 years

11 Replies

Hi all.

Here is just a snapshot of my life and what I’ve been dealing with that has brought my anxiety on super strong lately. I have good and bad days and some days where I just feel numb to it all. To some this may not seem like much but this past year and a half has truly been hard. Please no judgement.

May 3, 2018-my stepdad passed. He raised me from the age of 12 after my biological father passed when I was 10. My stepdads passing was sudden. He had a heart attack while out getting my mom lemons from the store and dropping off a friend at home. He died in that friends apartment parking garage (friend had no idea) and his id was in the car so the paramedics couldn’t identify him and was was taken as a John Doe. We searched for him all day only to find he was already gone. This was the worse day of my life.

May 12th- we had his funeral service

May 17th- My husband wakes me at 4am to tell me he wants a separation to figure out who he is. He was struggling with his sexuality and needed to leave. I was crushed to say the least. My boys just lost they papa and now their dad was leaving and they didn’t understand why. So he left for about 2weeks.

When he came back we tried therapy for a while. I forgave and tried to move on but it just didn’t feel right. Things were different. I was still grieving my dad but dealing with his shit so that kinda halted my emotions that needed to be released. I took a leave from work and eventually quit because the support wasn’t there and I just couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety daily. I became a hermit in my own home.

Dec 23rd- my husband left to meet coworkers for dinner. He was strange when he came home and my intuitions hardly proves wrong. He had actually drove 1 1/2 hrs away to meet some guy he knows from the internet. Only a kiss he says. I demanded to search his phone. He gave it over and gave me fair warning. I found a couple of things that sent me in rage. He finally admitted he had cheated several times throughout the years with men.

My Heart Shattered.

We argued and cursed and I broke a lot of shit in my house and I prayed and cried and almost died I felt. He moved upstairs to avoid putting the kids through more drama until we got everything situated with our marriage.

March 15th- his father lost his battle with cancer. Now I feel I can’t leave because I have to show him what a spouse should do in support of the other when a loss occurs. It’s hard because I want to be selfish and give him the same crap he gave me when I needed him most. Be I just can’t be that way.

Fast forward.....

July 1st- he accepted a job out of state and he’s living there and comes home to see the kids on weekends. We are still waiting to have a discussion on our next step in this marriage.

It pains me to lose someone I’ve known since childhood (10) and married at 19. It’s been almost 17 years of marriage that’s just gone now. I feel lost, empty, foolish and so very sad. Of course there are many things that took place in between but this is an overview of my life lately.

Thanks for listening. Today is a rough day and I guess I needed to just say this out loud.

11 Replies
Pen350 profile image
Pen350

you been thru a lot compared to many others, but i don't think things can get any worse, i least that is what I hope for you, sounds like your a very strong person with lots of love to give, its OK, you'll get thurs this one day at a time,

follow the three Cs

you didn't cause it.

you didn't create it

you can't change it.

I believe in you.

in reply toPen350

Thanks Pen350. I’m definitely gonna remember those three Cs. I blame myself a lot for not leaving sooner, for staying longer, for forgiving and giving chance after chance. I guess I’m afraid of losing it all. I’m afraid for my children. One day at a time is all I’ve got right now though. I appreciate your care.

Pen350 profile image
Pen350 in reply to

I promise you , You are not alone, I to am in a struggle I should've could've walked away from many many years ago..! yet I haven't. for many of the same reason The #1 reason for me, not wanted to cause myself or her pain, but one day .. I know i'll have no choice, till then One day at a time,

in reply toPen350

You’re going to be in my thoughts as well through your journey. Reach out when needed. Thank you again.

1OshunDreamer profile image
1OshunDreamer

First, I've never seen judgement here, so never worry. I agree with Pen350's entire post, this isn't your fault and you have to take this 1 day at a time. In those of use with GAD we have take it hour by hour, but you can get through.

You can and will do this.

in reply to1OshunDreamer

Thank you so much! Everyone here has been so amazing so far. I feel I’ve really found the perfect group of people to help me through this time. And I enjoy being a shoulder for others as well. I really appreciate you.

1OshunDreamer profile image
1OshunDreamer in reply to

These people are amazing. Never have I left this site not feeling better. I've gotten more here from our peers than any counselor. I'm glad you're here!

I agree. Thanks 🙏

I am so sorry

I agree with your other replies - hadn't heard of the three C's before. But wholeheartedly agree.

You are so brave,

Cannot imagine anyone would judge you - rather admire, and have high respect for you.

Somehow, you have come this far and you will get through this.

You are a beautiful, kind, loving & generous person.

It's only just over a year since the tragic loss of your Precious Stepdad. Taken suddenly, without warning, and in such horrendous circumstances. You and your family must be still traumatised and grief stricken.

And, now, you are grieving the loss of your marriage too.

So sorry for all you're going through.

Thinking of you xXx

Hi Mary. Thank you for your beautiful words!! Although I don’t feel brave many days I am trying to give it all I’ve got. I appreciate you and your kind thoughts ❤️

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