Hi all.
Here is just a snapshot of my life and what I’ve been dealing with that has brought my anxiety on super strong lately. I have good and bad days and some days where I just feel numb to it all. To some this may not seem like much but this past year and a half has truly been hard. Please no judgement.
May 3, 2018-my stepdad passed. He raised me from the age of 12 after my biological father passed when I was 10. My stepdads passing was sudden. He had a heart attack while out getting my mom lemons from the store and dropping off a friend at home. He died in that friends apartment parking garage (friend had no idea) and his id was in the car so the paramedics couldn’t identify him and was was taken as a John Doe. We searched for him all day only to find he was already gone. This was the worse day of my life.
May 12th- we had his funeral service
May 17th- My husband wakes me at 4am to tell me he wants a separation to figure out who he is. He was struggling with his sexuality and needed to leave. I was crushed to say the least. My boys just lost they papa and now their dad was leaving and they didn’t understand why. So he left for about 2weeks.
When he came back we tried therapy for a while. I forgave and tried to move on but it just didn’t feel right. Things were different. I was still grieving my dad but dealing with his shit so that kinda halted my emotions that needed to be released. I took a leave from work and eventually quit because the support wasn’t there and I just couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety daily. I became a hermit in my own home.
Dec 23rd- my husband left to meet coworkers for dinner. He was strange when he came home and my intuitions hardly proves wrong. He had actually drove 1 1/2 hrs away to meet some guy he knows from the internet. Only a kiss he says. I demanded to search his phone. He gave it over and gave me fair warning. I found a couple of things that sent me in rage. He finally admitted he had cheated several times throughout the years with men.
My Heart Shattered.
We argued and cursed and I broke a lot of shit in my house and I prayed and cried and almost died I felt. He moved upstairs to avoid putting the kids through more drama until we got everything situated with our marriage.
March 15th- his father lost his battle with cancer. Now I feel I can’t leave because I have to show him what a spouse should do in support of the other when a loss occurs. It’s hard because I want to be selfish and give him the same crap he gave me when I needed him most. Be I just can’t be that way.
Fast forward.....
July 1st- he accepted a job out of state and he’s living there and comes home to see the kids on weekends. We are still waiting to have a discussion on our next step in this marriage.
It pains me to lose someone I’ve known since childhood (10) and married at 19. It’s been almost 17 years of marriage that’s just gone now. I feel lost, empty, foolish and so very sad. Of course there are many things that took place in between but this is an overview of my life lately.
Thanks for listening. Today is a rough day and I guess I needed to just say this out loud.
Need to start making decisions 
Photo of Colin the wonderful Springer spaniel who loved and supported me as well as coming loads of adventures all over Europe. 
What’s the point?
My Life
Do I stay?
