I'm tired of being me, I'm tired of knowing I need he;p but only wanting to do it one way and not being able to find a therapist can work with me the way I want to work. I've tried helplines but no one seems to know how to find a therapist who isn't affiliated with Talkspace or Better Help who will work with me on a text based or email platform. I know it's my problem with intimacy but I'm not going to cry in front of a stranger, I'm not going to do it and I realize that means I don't get to go to therapy and it's hard to deal with that. I'm back to spending days in bed, I'm back to just living in my head: seeing the life I thought I would have and trying to avoid the dumpster fire I made of my actual life. I hate myself more and more each day, I'm worried that I'm never going to be happy, I can't do this anymore. I'm scared.
Ramble on: I'm tired of being me, I'm... - Anxiety and Depre...
Ramble on
Thanks for your post.
If you can post your location, forum users might be able to help you find the person you need. Some therapy is now available via telehealth due to Covid-19. The therapist video conferences or talks with you on the phone or via your computer. The first couple of times are awkward but it gets easier the more times you try it. I am onto my 5th appointment this week.
Thank you.
Hi, I can identify with how you feel and I didn’t want to do therapy via video. I resisted for months, I finally broke down and did it. I am on my 4th or 5th time and it really isn’t so bad, in some ways it is better than in person because when I have a hard session I don’t have to drive home. I know it is hard to open up to others, believe me I have had to share things I didn’t want to and I cry a lot, but you are safe to do it with a good therapist and I feel like it is going to really work this time. Please think about reaching out it is hard I know, but I believe it could really help you feel better. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you so much, I'm thinking about it and I hope to get to the point where I can just bite the bullet and do it.
That is the hardest part, pushing yourself to start. I resisted up until the time of my first appointment, even fought with my husband about not doing it. The second time was still a bit awkward mostly due to sharing my “stuff” with the therapist. Now I look forward to it and talking through my past stuff and day of day stuff between my husband and I. I am also going to try Brainspotting with this therapist and am optimistic that it will help me further with my old stuff. I know Feel free to reach out if you need to talk or need more encouragement to start. I hope you have a better day.
I'm going through a difficult time myself. This coronavirus lockdown is really rough on everyone. If you're not thrilled about trying therapy, try to help yourself the best you can. Self care is important. Try to make sure you're eating right and taking showers, brushing your teeth and all that stuff. If you don't have a friend or relative you can talk to, try writing all your feelings out in a journal. Listening to music really gets me through. Don't just get stuck on listening to sad or angry songs though, try to listen to music that gives you a sense of hope, whatever category that might be. Like one of my favorite songs I play to try to cheer up is Always Tomorrow by Gloria Estefan. Or Calling All Angels by Train. I'm in a really crappy mood myself, I should be taking my own advice. I hope I said something that helps, I wish you well. Stay away from listening to the news too, at least for a day or two. Sometimes listening to meditation music on YouTube can help if you have anxiety or racing thoughts. Just breathe.
Thank you, that is all good advice. I am alone right now and I'm trying to stay positive but with everything going on in the world, sometimes it's hard to find the light. Some happy music is never a bad idea.
Change is very difficult but it can be such a good thing! I would say maybe try and get out of your comfort zone and find one you can talk to in person!
If you really can’t maybe try getting some self help books on anxiety? That’s what I’ve been doing since I can’t go to therapy now.
I would say my biggest problem my whole life has been crippling shyness. It's nearly impossible for me to talk to someone I don't know, it's always been easier for me to express myself through writing.
I find writing is a lot easier too than speaking to someone! I guess I have more time to think of what to say? I definitely get it but you have to try and push yourself. You don’t want to be stuck in the same place forever like this do you? If not then you should try getting out of your comfort zone because that’s when the growth happens 🌱
Sorry you’re going through this, I have social anxiety so I definitely know what it’s like.
Also what i’ve done before therapy sessions is to write down what I need to bring up and what’s bothering me etc. it helps a ton!
That makes sense, at least you can your thoughts in order before you see the therapist.
Yes it definitely helps
I have the same fear of crying in front of a stranger (actually I'm afraid of crying in front of anybody, even my family/friends) and I have no idea how to get over/through it. x__x For what it's worth, you're not alone with that specific anxiety anyway. <3
Thank you. I marvel at how easy it seems for some people to open up in therapy, I'm guessing that at least some of them are fairly sociable and don't have the same hang ups about being vulnerable in front of others. I've never cried in front of anyone other than my mother. I suppose it's little wonder that I've never had a relationship or have no friends.
Same, since I was maybe a pre-teen I've never really cried in front of anyone but my mother and occasionally my father. And I've never had a romantic relationship either. I've been trying to take comfort in the little things, like... my cat sitting on my lap. Or pretty flowers I get to see when I walk in my neighborhood. (...*Really* little things, I guess.) Sending you all the positive thoughts my sad little brain can supply <3
Thank you. I'm sure it's better with a cat.
Your not alone. Is beautiful here 3 months out of the year, I lay in bed knowing it's beautiful out and knowing I should be outside and beating myself up because I'm such a loser that I can't get my fat but up and out and just go.
It is such a struggle to get out of bed, I only leave the apartment to get food and to go to the pharmacy. I hope you can find some peace.
I think its important to be honest with ourselves when we know the fact doing things our usual way has not helped us up to now. And if we are consistently advised to do something that would be good for us even though it gos against what we are used to then its wise to consider the possibility we may need to act with courage. Afterall, if what we were advised made sense to us then we would have done it already. We wouldn't need the support we crave if it made sense to us. Sometimes things only make sense after we do them and act in faith. I know thats incredibly hard to act on but think about it in perspective. Doing things on your own hasn't worked. You need a new approach. Maybe this could be it! We have to subject ourselves to what is difficult at times to work through our pain and get to the other side. Honestly, there are good therapists out there and you can go at your own pace. I think if you explained how you feel about this to your therapist a good one would help you go at your own pace and take as much time as you need to open up. If it all gets too much then its ok. Just take it one day at a time. We need to push ourselves but not expect too much of ourselves. Maybe for now it would be good to just make the first phone call to start therapy and explain yourself and your situation. You can back out any time, but that would be great progress just for you to do that.
Keep talking here though please. It is really good you have opened up. I really believe in you and that things can get better. Remember, push yourself within your limits but take it one day at a time. I promise, it will get better with time.
Thank you for reading and responding so thoughtfully. I'm not a risk taker or a talker. I wish I was, I think I could have entered into therapy a long time ago if I was. Most of the people who say therapy helped them seem to be people who are at least pretty comfortable with having conversations with others. I love podcasts but when a podcaster tells me how great therapy is I usually think "Yes, but you talk for a living.". I'm much better at communicating through writing, I wish more people understood it as a valid form of communication because it's my preferred way of "talking". No one interrupts you and you can think out your response and are less likely to say something hurtful. I've been looking for text based therapy for this reason, so far I can't find any that are covered by my insurance but I'll keep on looking. Therapy should meet those of us who are on the shy side where we are, I think a lot more of us could get the help we need if we could express ourselves in our own preferred style.
I still think you should explain all this to a therapist over an initial phone call and see where it gos from there. As I said, just one step at a time. It seems like you really need to work on your lack of confidence with face to face talking especially in this world where people interact this way. Its essential for you to live and enjou the things that can bring you happiness i.e. dating and friends etc or anything else you want to accomplish in life. I heard it said that 80% of communicating is non words/verbal. I know its hard to accept this is the way life works but it does, and its natural too. I am like you though and grew up very shy. I spent alot of time just writing rather than talking. It was easier for me. Therapy was so hard when I started. I couldnt even look my therapist in the eye. I used to spend so much time on my own as I felt I had no face to face abilities. It took me a long time but yes, I am a better speaker now BUT that is only BECAUSE of pushing myself. I still struggle though (hence why Im here) but Im better and Im happier for it. I know this is so really hard for you. I really really really understand. Honestly I do. Thats why its so important you go gently at your own pace. I want you to understand that just trying to face this is part of your therapy. You cannot seperate the issue of struggling to do face to face therapy from therapy as this IS the issue. Its getting in the way of your life and what you want from it. But just start gradually. You have to build trust slowly. I really hope you will explain this to someone even just over one phone call and take it from there one step at a time. Building trust is gradual though so you only need to try trust to the best of your ability one step at a time. Maybe even you will hopefully meet a therapist maybe who will let you write down your thoughts too if you need while they wait. As I said before too, you can back out any time.
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