Confused and need advice.

[Dusty1234]

Hello,

The title says it all. lol I was in therapy with the same therapist for a long time. She was very patient, but also let me know when I needed to step up and do the work. I was very lucky and honestly feel she saved my life. Anyway, one of the main goals was to stop swallowing my feelings literally and figuratively. I can't say I totally conquer that goal, but I've come a long way.

Now I know there will never be anyone like her and I work hard not to compare her with anyone else. Now, I have a therapist that I've been seeing for about a year and have mixed feelings about. On more than one occasion when I've shared something, she's told me not to feel that way. Last week she said, when I feel upset with someone I should swallow it, calm down and later if it's important, share it. I'm not an impulsive person, but I am human and get upset sometimes. But, I know that if I swallow something it's most likely not going anywhere except back at me.

She also talks more about herself than she does about me. I have a friend who had a similar experience. Is this a new type of therapy? I know she pushes "mindfulness", but I'm confused if this is part of that.

I know this is long, and I'm sorry for that. I just feel overwhelmed by the situation. I honestly don't want to tell her anything.

Thank you for your help

[Hidden]

Sounds to me like there are major red flags:

-Therapy is for the patient to talk about themselves and not the other way around

-she should be helping you with how to deal with your feelings and definitely not saying to push them down. What awful and, quite frankly, insulting advice!

-if someone else had a similar experience, that says quite a bit. Normally if someone has a bad experience with someone they are not the only one, as you are seeing.

I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. This is the very last thing people who seek therapy need to deal with.

[EndUser13]

Hmm... it's great that she has been helpful and I like the mindfulness part... but it sounds like she should explain what she means by mindfulness, how it can help you, etc.

I agree with Norw, the personal sharing and telling you what may be appropriate to feel sound like red flags.

I would be forward and honest with them. If they don't do well with that, you have your answer as to whether you may need to find a new therapist or not. Actually, I'd always be brutally honest and forward with therapists, this way they can best understand you and be better equipped to help you.

I'm curious- is she younger? (I guess my idea of younger would be below 30)

Don't be sorry! This is a good thing to chat about and that's why we're all here, to support one another.

Personally, I'm always long-winded so I can't ever fault anyone for that! 😂

[CindyKatherine]

Cool write-up. Not too long too. I would add my voice to suggest you ask her to explain further the mindfulness concept. Also, every therapist may have their approach to their client. Some may support your venting, others the swallow up or overlooking/ignoring approach. I believe the two can be combined for an effective outcome as it Is even too near Impossible to draw a demarcating line between the two methods.

As an older person, it will be difficult to swallow up but it is possible if you consider the pushers of the provocations as those who know not what they do.

[GabeMusicMan]

First I want to start off by saying that is not okay at all how you were treated. That person sounds like they need to speak with a supervisor or need to be in counseling themselves, which is generally part of the ethical codes depending on the type of educational background. As someone who works in the field the only time the therapist should be disclosing personal information is if it is to benefit the client. You are not paying this individual to listen to them. I always like to compare this to any other service you would pay for. If you went to a mechanic and they did not do a great job you would maybe want to explore other options.

I also wanted to validate what you are feeling with your previous therapist. It is very hard when you have established that relationship with a counselor and other people do not seem to compare to them. Something that might be helpful is looking for a counselor that practices similar techniques.

Mindfulness is being aware of yourself and checking in with yourself, this can look like meditation, body scans, and grounding exercises. If you want to check out specific ones the HonestGuys and YellowBrickCinema on YouTube have a lot of guided grounding exercises. I manage PTSD and panic disorder and run a meditation group. It took me some trial and error to find what was helpful. Mindfulness is a part of CBT cognitive behavioral therapy and is often what most community mental health organizations and a lot of counselors practice as their main modality for therapy.

I hope that this information is helpful and that you receive the support you need.

[b1b1b1]

If you are uncomfortable with her I think it is best to trust your instinct and look for someone else.

[Midori]

Hi, it's using one's own experience to illustrate a point which may have been brought up by the client.

[Dusty1234 in reply to Midori]

My old therapist would bring up personal things rarely and usually with a good reason. We talk about how frustrated she got on her last trip, or her husband's job. None of these things relate to my life. That's why I wondered if it was something new. I thought maybe they open up about themselves to make the client more comfortable? I don't know, but I see her tomorrow and I'll try to bring it up.

[bethelbee]

Red flags! Any therapist telling a client to not feel the way are feeling is invalidating their feelings. If you're upset with someone, let them know, don't 'swallow your feelings'. What a crock if you ask me. And a therapist who talks more about themselves than treating the client? No way! It is NOT a new way of therapy. That therapist is there to help and treat you, not the other way around. If you are uncomfortable sharing anything with her, it is time for a new therapist!.

[fauxartist]

I know that my therapist told me some time ago not to take everything personally, and that I should pick my battles and learn to let go of small stuff that doesn't matter. We can all blow up something that we feel was a 'slight said', when in fact it may not be anything at all. I would say if you were told to 'swallow' your feelings, when in fact you are trying not to feed your feelings, that was a poor choice of words on your therapists' advice. And if after a year you feel this way about them, it's probably not a bad idea to change therapists and ask for a referral to one that may be more suited to your needs.

[Dusty1234]

I want to thank everyone for their input. It's so nice to have a place to just share these feelings and not be judged! 😊