Just Venting

[Expo123]

Having a really bad day today. I'm working from home but I haven't had a lot of work lately and it makes me feel like I have no purpose. Everyone around me is very busy working towards exciting goals in their life. My nephew who lives with me is studying to become an athletic therapist. He works at his courses very hard, takes martial arts classes and goes to spend time with his girlfriend. The people I work with are very young too and are in the process of doing bar exams for law school. I'm a lot older than everyone and feel like my time has passed without it ever having come. lol I have a lot of interests but honestly it feels like I'm just desperately trying to distract myself so I don't fall into a huge whole. It's always a battle to stop my depression from coming back and today I'm just feeling very tired from the constant struggle. I'm aware that I always compare myself to other people. I hate the person I've become and always feel like the people who know me must pity me. On the other hand I know they have better things to do than think of me one way or the other, and that the feelings I'm projecting onto them are just the way I see myself. Sorry for rambling on. So lonely and depressed today. If I lived alone I would just go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

[Hidden]

You think too little of yourself. You need to give yourself more credit. You say you hate the person you've become, may I ask what would you change?

[Expo123 in reply to Hidden]

I wish I was less of a coward. I really admire people who decide what they are passionate about and then go after it, even if they are scared. I don't remember ever having confidence in myself. Life would have turned out a lot differently if I could have overcome my fears.

[Hidden in reply to Expo123]

You still have time to change your life. It might not seem like it now but you can build confidence. I know because I've done it, I'm only saying this so you know it can be done.

[intotheunknown]

i feel ya, i was in a car accident in 2017 and it has completely changed who i was. i have lost me. my counselors say i need to forget about the old me but i feel like what you said when you said "my time have passed without it ever having come" i have been out of work for 3 1/2 years and due to the accident i cant do the work that i had been doing for 20 years. im unable to work but if i did work i feel like what is there for me to do. my talents were destroyed in that accident. recently i started googling youtube videos and seeing people share their experiences in obtaining different licenses from them failing their tests to them finally passing their tests to obtain different professional licenses and those videos give hope that one day we will all get over this anxiety and depression and feeling of hopelessness that we have. good luck

[Expo123 in reply to intotheunknown]

Thanks for your response. It always helps to know that there are people here who understand. I'm really sorry that you have been going through such a hard time. What kind of work did you do before the accident? If you could snap your fingers and no longer have issues with depression and anxiety, what would be your #1 choice for a new career? I think if you are watching those youtube videos and getting hope from them, that it's a really good sign. It means you haven't given up. Give yourself time. It sounds like it was a very serious accident so be patient with yourself. It will take time to recover from the trauma you've been through, not just physically but emotionally too.

[intotheunknown in reply to Expo123]

i worked in human services for over 20 years. thats basically all i know, thats what my degree is in, thats what i did from the moment i graduated college thru my entire career. thats what i was trained in, i wouldnt know how to do anything else and its depressing that i can no longer do what i was desined to do as all i do now is cry and have anxiety and depression so i cant work with the clients and staff that i worked with before, im not the leader that i was before the accident mentally, emotionally or physically. At least you have a job, i havent had income in 3 and 1/2 years. surprisingly im still afloat but its hard.

[Expo123 in reply to intotheunknown]

The reason I asked is because I wasn't sure if your job involved any kind of physical work that you could no longer do because of the accident. Maybe you are giving up on your career prematurely. I understand completely that it doesn't seem possible right now that you could ever do that kind of work again. Depression and anxiety play with our heads. I'm not sure if you are having any kind of therapy but if you could perhaps take some medication that would help with the anxiety, maybe it would make a big difference and help you get back to your job. The medication wouldn't have to be a permanent thing but it might be something to get you through the hard time you're facing right now. Good luck!!

[endofheartache1290]

I understand how you feel as I struggle with the same thoughts. Its a hard cycle because you want better but don't know where to start and then you beat yourself up for it. Take things one day at a time. Just because people are doing things doesn't necessarily mean they are happy with it. Even if they are, it's not about their happiness it's about yours. Compare yourself only to who you were yesterday and not who others are today. Work on self compassion and self love. Those things will help you out immensely and will give you the foundations to build everything else on. And finally, it's okay to not be okay, but equally important, it's okay to let yourself feel good about the small things even if you are not where you want to be. For example you can be very grateful and happy about having a cup of hot tea before bed. There is nothing in the world that says you cannot enjoy that moment and be relaxed and say that you deserve to feel that relaxation. So take some time for yourself practice self care, self compassion, and self love. And allow yourself to enjoy the small moments and reward yourself for the baby steps you make every day. One foot in front of the other friend. It's not a race, it's a journey.

[Expo123 in reply to endofheartache1290]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said "you want better but don't know where to start and you beat yourself up for it". That is exactly how I feel. You're also spot on when you say we should only compare ourselves to who we were yesterday instead of to others. I can just feel my mood sink when I start making those comparisons. I am genuinely happy for the people I know who are doing great things. It's just that when I see what other people are doing with their lives it's a stark reminder of how little I'm doing with my own. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. I really do appreciate it and I hope we'll both find peace in simply taking the first steps of the journey.

[endofheartache1290 in reply to Expo123]

I get it because I experience the same types of feelings. It's really hard but as I said one day at a time friend. We will get there we just have to be kinder to ourselves and have compassion for ourselves. It is a journey and one worth taking. You will get there as will I. Every day so long as we make an effort it will get a little easier.

[Hidden]

Please know you're not alone. I believe that so many feel this way but bound up their feelings and stuff them down, so I am glad you have the courage to reach out for support. I am recovering from a major surgery right now, and the pain messes with my head and spikes my anxiety and depression. I have to remind myself to try not to compare my "insides" to others' "outsides." I lean on that in times like this when I feel like everything is falling apart. Sometimes (for me) it needs to be one HOUR at a time before you can even leap to one DAY at a time. I notice that when I am very stressed my breathing gets stifled and I have to remember to breathe very slowly and carefully to bring my nervous system back to functioning properly. But it's so hard. I really have so much compassion for your pain. I'm not on this site very often but I want you to know that you are not alone.

[Expo123]

It touched my heart to read your words and to know that you wanted to send support to me while you are going through a hard time yourself. Thank you for your kindness. I went through a major surgery a few years back and remember how hard it was for me. I can tell you from experience that it will get better with time. Be patient with yourself. Is there any chance that your anxiety could be making the pain even worse? It's amazing how much emotional stress can lead to physical pain. I have the same problem with my breathing that you do. Sometimes I hold my breath without realizing I'm even doing it? A former therapist told me me I did that and that my breath was really shallow. I admit the hokey advice about taking 10 deep breaths actually helps when I make a conscious effort to do it. Thanks again for your support and feel free to contact me whenever you need some support yourself. We are all here for each other on this site.