Am I evil? Help me please

[Ivy_chan5]

My uncle lives with us (me, and my parents). He drinks a lot and reeks of alcohol ( I have breathing problems due to this ) , comes home anytime he wishes, has never given any rent, eats a lot- even some of my share or wastes food. My University has started online lectures for us ... but during those lectures he calls his friends and talks loudly with them.. or comes home and rings the doorbell loudly.. he is almost unemployed.. he comes and goes out as he pleases.. I get disturbed a lot... he simply doesn't listen.. my parents try to talk some sense into him.. but it always turns into a quarrel.. my dad yells at him and says stuff like " It would be better if you die. Just die. I'll lock this house someday and go somewhere else so you won't be able to come home. Never come back home. I don't care what happens to you. " But then my dad cares for him a lot, too.. which is completely opposite of what he says.. My uncle has threatened to beat my mom by making gestures as if he will beat her a lot of times. She is someone who says what's on her mind. My parents are enduring a lot. But they both yell at me a lot.. they say a lot of hurtful things to me which I know aren't intentional but they hurt. And nowadays( Coronavirus situation) .. my uncle comes home and doesn't wash his hands , doesn't wash his clothes, doesn't bathe for days.. goes out anytime.. is away for more than 2 days sometimes.. what if my family contracts the virus? On the top of that when there is an argument he sarcastically says to my parents that they haven't done anything wrong.. nothing will go wrong with their life.. he curses at them.. I have never spoken much in such arguments but my parents drag me in.. He even asks me if I am okay when he knows that I am not.. I have endured it all till now... but day before yesterday as he came home again during my class timings, I snapped.. I had told my mom that when he comes home , I'll burn some incense sticks to get rid of the alcoholic smell.. and I burned them.. my mom was with me .. I kept them in his room... but my intention wasn't pure.. it was sinful.. he has coughing problems.. I wanted him to suffocate.. I wanted him to experience inconvenience the way I have experienced all my life.. I didn't want to care what happens to him due to those incense sticks.. and I realised after a minute or two that I was being irrational.. I was wrong.. I didn't have an evil intention at all ( I didn't want to kill him ) .. it was pure anger I had bottled up inside me for years.. I would never harm anyone.. it's the opposite of who I really am.. I just am really lonely.. have faced a lot of betrayals.. have been taken advantage of..I told my mom.. she told me that she would have stopped me if it was dangerous .. but now I I can't stop beating myself up because I had a bit of evil thoughts for that one minute..I can't even forgive him completely.. My mind is still provoking me.. I do have some anger left.. I am controlling myself well now.. I am updating my mom frequently about what I am feeling.. I have been miserable since day before yesterday.. I already was miserable.. my brain doesn't work at all for the past few years.. I have just been crying because I really really am not the way I was for that one minute.. I have anxiety and depression.. my pulse rate is way above normal.. and the medicines prescribed for this and for raising my haemoglobin levels make me feel like Hulk after I take them.. like they increase my blood pressure and my mind reacts to it, too.. I have stopped taking them for the last 3 days but their effect is still there.. I am not myself .. there's something wrong with my body and hence my mind.. Please help me out.. please.. I am only 18.. I have a lot to do in life.. I want to do a lot for my mom and dad.. help me.. am I evil?

[Hidden]

Your home life sounds toxic, emotionally draining, mentally unhealthy.

In my opinion, your’re trying to find an outlet for your anger, frustration and emotional inner turmoil. Thinking certain things but acting on them takes on another facet, the very reason you think what you did as being evil means that you believe you acted with a certain malice in your mind and I think you should re-evaluate this.

I have no advice that will be of value in helping you resolve what I think is your parents problem, they have set this toxic environment in place. You can only look at this a temporary until you are able to leave your home snd support your self.

I hope this gets better and good luck with college.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

I will try. Thank you so much.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

I wanted to add something. My parents fall sick frequently. I have almost seen them dying in the past . They have done so much for me.. but they are toxic , too in some ways. I am worried for them.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Very good advice RoxieDawn and you said exactly what I was thinking.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much

[Hidden]

There are no easy answers to this. I bet your uncle really doesn't want to be living with your parents either and feels a sense of shame that he's there. When you hear snarky comments going on between your uncle and your parents, don't put yourself in the middle of it. Let them battle it out. And if someone says something vicious to you, try to learn to respond rather than just react. Imagine there is a shield around you. Let their hurtful words roll off of you like water off a ducks back. Be the eye in the storm.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

Actually my uncle wasn't able to marry a girl he liked because she rejected him due to his bad habits. He blames my father for this even when there is no reason to. And he wants to live in this house. He isn't completely bad but still it's so hard for me and my parents .

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your advice. I will try my best.

[Hidden in reply to Ivy_chan5]

It sounds like this uncle of yours is very disruptive and possibly your parents are frustrated and are trying to set some boundaries with him. I understand how difficult this can be for you to live with all this tension in the house. Take good care of yourself. Maybe take a long shower or bath if you feel stressed, try having a cup of tea, listen to music you like that is uplifting. Learn not to engage in the fray. The best way you can help yourself is try to plan for your future and look into getting a career where you can eventually support yourself and be able to get a car and your own apartment and you can be out of that environment and have your own space. Sooner or later this pandemic will pass, all over the world they are trying to come up with a good vaccine. Don't let all this shit with your uncle bring you down. I happen to be an almost 50 year old woman and guess what? For the past 8 months because I've fallen on hard times myself, I'm back to living at my parents home and my dad can be very mean and dismissive and I have to learn to not engage with him!!!! I never had children, and I'm so broke right now and I'm trying to find work and a lot of employers want young people like you and I feel obsolete in this computerized world. If you'd like to privately chat with me on here I don't mind. You seem like a nice person who's in a tough situation and if I can be helpful I'm glad to be a support.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for taking time to help me. I am understanding the situation better now. And yes I am trying to look for jobs like online language teaching for now. I have plans but I will try my best to not get distracted and focus on my career. Thank you so much for giving me strength. I am so sorry for your situation but you are handling it well. Let's do our best!😊

[tennisgreen in reply to Hidden]

I want chat with u.Im 48 living with my extremely toxic parents!!!My mother is narcissistic and everything is everybody else fault in the world!!

My father can be difficult as well.

I’m here because my partner ended it with me and I had come back home...I had nowhere else to go.,I’m trying find apartment but a lot of places won’t rent to me due to seizure issue.(to low of income..on disability).

I struggle also with being this age living with parents.,we fight all the time about it.I only have one friend in this city I had move back to and very lonely but can’t afford city where I use to live.

Thanks for listening☹️

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to tennisgreen]

🥺 So sorry for your situation.

[Ivy_chan5]

😕 Maybe

[Ivy_chan5]

Thank you for stopping by and for your empathy. 😊

[Hidden]

You are evil but in a good way🙂

[utep99]

If we all were honest we all would call ourselves evil. You are however blessed. What I mean the first step in Faith in God you have done. You feel evil. Ask God to forgive you. Accept that Jesus died for all your sins Past, present and future. I came to faith much later in life. God see's you and you do not have to be perfect as you learn more time will help you deal with things. Talk to God! He alone understands you share your feelings, anger and realize you do not have to be perfect to believe in God. Truth is until you get to Heaven you will remain evil it is how we are. But God above all listens and helps you through the tough times. Do not look at your past look to your future realizing that God will present opportunities to accomplish what he wants you to do. If you fail you will not be zapped by a bolt of lightning. He will keep presenting opportunities throughout your life you will learn in time to see them. I wish somebody told me this at 18 years old. I had a Drunk Father no Mother and was mentally abused even physically at times. Nobody understood and floated in and out of Faith much to my shame. I finally at 58 got it right. It has helped with my anxiety and depression. I almost committed suicide. I am thankful that I did not do it. I am now 59 and terminally ill. I have a chance at surgery but it would be very dangerous and it is likely I will bleed out on the operating table. But I can face it all not on my strength but on God's strength working through me.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to utep99]

Yes. I will pray to God. 😊 Thank you so much for giving me hope and relief. You are very brave to face your situation with such positivity. I will pray for you, too. Let's pray and do our best 😊😊