And i was nauseous and with luggage and i told him "mom will not want me back", he yelled at me "stop with that "they won't want me", it's insulting". And just left me with my luggage. I couldn't even ask about my new laptop (from my grandparents not him). Hurts so much. Ik i should get a job but there's no job for psychologists in my city, i searched. He said that i will forget everything if i don't work. But there's litterary no job. I planned on working at a shop or in the mall but it won't be enough to hire a place. Ik im supposed to leave but it hurts. Right after my ex hurted me. I got nauseous and he just yelled at me and left me. He said he needs money for sis' driving lessons. It's not my fault he got 3 children. I was the first one. I want a job too but he broke me. Did i make him have another child that broke me and costs him money? Plus he acts like he doesn't know mom - that she's treating me this way, that she's broke, that she also expects me to leave but won't kick me out like him. He said it's insulting to talk about mom like that. I said im talking about her, he left her, not him. The whole scene is deeply traumatic. We were talking about it in the car. We got back, we got my stuff( he made me pack a lot so moving out starts) and i was nauseous so i asked for help. He carried some stuff a few steps and we talk this, yells at me to not say mom won't want me home and leaves saying he can't see the car and needs to gi back. My meds, clothes, and laptop are at his. I got only the emergency stuff for tonight that i could carry nauseous. He broke me. How can i work? I browsed all jobs in my city - no single one for psychologists. In my university city there are several but i don't think i can manage. My therapist said "imagine you have a job here, no boss would let you go home because you're feeling sick"
Edit : no even"proud of you! Happy graduation! You did it despite the damage i and your ex dealt to you".
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If you can't work and earn money would you be able to access any benefits? I don't know if there are any where you are though.
It would stop you relying on your father as I am know he has other commitments too...and you are 23. He has to concentrate on younger family members who aren't old enough to leave home and earn money. He knows they are dependent on him even more.
I'm more unable to leave home than the baby. Also who made him have a baby if he couldn't afford it? ....My dumb previous roommates kicking me out so i got expensive rent and small place
The baby and his younger children still have to take priority. You appear to think you should?
Your father is a free agent and can do what he wants. I am sure he didn't have a baby just to spite you. As an adult he has his own life to live as do you.
Your parents can't go on supporting you indefinitely you know unless they are rich and want to. What age do you expect them to? 30? 40? Eventually you will either have to take charge of your own life and look after yourself. If you can't then look for places other than your parents where you can be cared for.
There is no other option I'm afraid. However if you take this choice others will be able to make decisions for you if that's what you want? Or need? Whether you approve of them or not.
Not trying to be dismissive and I know how hard it is when suffering mental health issues but it is reality I'm afraid.
do not name and shame people on here. there are only a couple of messages here for you to refer to. shaming others is against the guidelines here and is quite upsetting to read. if you haven’t anything to say positive about someone else’s reply then keep that to yourself, you’re causing upset. once you post you have no say in what or how people reply, which includes other replies like the one you just posted. no you cannot delete any replies unless they are your own. from your lack of advice and compassion seems to me you have a personal problem with another member who responded to this post. it’s the bulk of what you wrote in fact.
I’m sorry against the current. I want you to know that life isn’t easy. there’s alot of tough love in this thread. I can understand your position a lot. I wasn’t thinking of you when I told jbes what I did about having a go at another member here. I’m not very different from you, things overwhelm me and you’re overwhelmed. The difference is you got an A on your final and I wouldn’t have showed up for it. you have a lot to be proud of and so much going for you. you can do this, there’s nothing wrong with you being scared or feeling alone. I’m so sorry about your romantic friend. that has got to be, in my experience, one of the worst things to deal with. one step at a time. I believe in you. I’m here if you ever need to talk. sorry you felt shamed and I did not appear to help you, forgive me for focusing on the people on the thread.
I confronted your post directly as it’s against guidelines to shame others, there’s no irony in that at all.
there’s a dubious distinction in you saying I presented a compassionate argument regarding your reply and going on to say it was an effort to shame you.
thanks for the suggestion, I do not know you and do not want to be tagged as harassing you off the board, HU doesn’t monitor private chats. out in the forum is the best place to address issues like this where everyone can witness what’s being said.
Hypercat is right. In the us a child is considered an adult at 18. Unless they are in college, they are expected to get a job and support themselves. My kids started working while they were in high school at 15. They wanted to so they had their own money. Now that you are an adult and have finished college, your father needs to focus on raising the younger children. If you can’t find a job in your field you will need to take any job until one in your field becomes available. You can do this. If you show your dad you are trying, Im sure he will be there to give you guidance. To a parent all children are equal. One is no more important than the next because of chronological order, or any other distinction. He’s not trying to be mean to you, he’s trying to guide you into adulthood.
Hypercat is right I'm afraid. She is not being mean, but is instead giving what we call tough love. It says nothing about who we are as people to get this since we all need it from time to time.
If I can be so bold, a lot of what you write appears to be about things you can't control. I'm not saying this to spite you at all, but rather to make an observation. It is very normal to focus on what we can't control because we as humans like to be in control of our experiences in the world around us. Unfortunately, though, this is not always possible.
I'll use myself as an example. I've developed a trauma bond with the person who psychologically abused me 2.5 years ago. While the bond is finally breaking, it's been an extremely tough road with many meltdowns related to "what did I do wrong??", "is this all my fault?", "why is she like this?", "can I help save her?". The answers are "I deviated from her control", "no, "no idea, and "no, I can't". This person is a malignant narcissist. I can't change her. I SO wish I could, but I can't. I want her to be the nice and loving and caring person she was at the beginning, but I have no control over whether that happens. If I was to choose one thing I've learned that has made the biggest impact on me, it would be that the only person I can control is myself and my reactions. Although I said something towards her that I deeply regret (and although she took what I said and began psychologically abusing me despite my having apologized to her), I cannot do any more. What's happened has happened, and she made her decision to abuse me. I did not cause her to do that. I did what I could. The ball is in her court now. She is now dying of lung cancer. It breaks my heart. I want to run to her and tell her I forgive her and that I still care for her (which is sooo true). But I can't. My husband has told me that she'd just manipulate me again. I asked him how that's even possible for someone so weak, but apparently I've been told that it is. The only thing I can do now is take care of ME and protect MY boundaries.
Sorry that this got so long. The point is that you cannot control people and the choices they make in life. You can only control how YOU respond to what you experience.
I hope this helps at least somewhat. Sorry if it doesn't.
I'm sorry. I couldn't go on. I couldn't find someone like your husband. Being so alone hurts. Even crisis lines aren't picking up. All I have is an alcoholic abusive mother that i regret "burdening" with my emotional problems and who always has it worse
You need to get a job and you must. If you take a job in a shop, you will not earn enough to support yourself properly and you will forget some of your professional training.
You need to get an appropriate job and you must. There aren't any jobs where you live, and this is a problem all over the world, so you must seek out a job in another area - maybe abroad even. You really must.
When you get a suitable job (not a stopgap job serving in a shop) you will be able to make a home for yourself, be able to travel to see your mum when you have time, you will make new friends, be able to take holidays, and all those things will take your mind off the unhappy situation you are in at the moment. I know you need support; that is important, but do get searching. You moved to your university town and you can move to another town, so don't convince yourself that you can't do it because you can. Happy hunting.🤗😊😊
Exactly. I won't earn enough and i will forget. People here say "get any job" but i need job in my field for which i need more time and classes and to mentally recover. Not to mention i can't find such at my city and he wants me to come back
You could take a job where your training would come in useful - tutoring, HR, reception (where you could practise observing people), but don't get "bogged down" in that job or before you know it, years have flown past.
You have to forget HIM. He is already at a distance, without any consideration for you. If that relationship is meant to be, then distance or town will not be an object. Making your own way in life is what's important now, and it's now that you have the opportunity. He has done you a favour. In any case, if there are no jobs where you presently live, what are you going to do if he comes back? Everyone must work. You cannot have one breadwinner in a relationship and you don't want to take a low-paid job unless it provides you with some practice of your newly-gained skills. Think of yourself as number 1; think of the future as much as you think of the present, but I can't see your present manner of living will give you a clear head.
Come on - you aren't a little girl any more, and if you can't see yourself as a "big girl", at least act like one. Sorry to be harsh; I feel you need a bit of harshness from someone who can look at you objectively.
Oh! That's terrible. I would be agonising too over this situation! So what have you got? Two months before he leaves the country. Two months of staying in one room with two other family members. Two months when you can be picking and choosing whatever jobs come up on line, or perhaps you could be writing speculatively to companies who might have a vacancy but haven't advertised, or even thought of it yet. Two months when you could be making sure your CV beats the competition. All this could be so tiring that you have no energy for anything else, and if you get interviews, you have to prepare for those, too.
This agony will pass, but if you use the two months agonising, they are two months that you will never get back. Please - stay strong.
Just saying: you've got to power through this stressful time. It will do you nothing but good, and I will say no more. I don't mean to be condescending; I am reinforcing what you already know you should do. If you have mental health problems (that you were able to put to one side while you graduated) then you have to find a way to get them sorted. I've said enough. Sorry if my efforts to help you have been a waste of time. I'm 79, I have been through the mill; life isn't easy now and I'm going to bed.
About everyone here - imagine someone ruined your mental health and someone saying they're right and everyone applauding them. How would you feel? I was okay with one comment but I'm not okay with the whole comment section naming that comment exclusively as if the person solved my problems, found me a job and bought me a house. This hurted. And hypocrisy also hurts. "Think about yourself" and then "you're egocentric". I'm here because im in insane pain. Well, if im such a nuisance to my perfect father and my grieving mother, i can just offf myself, right? Then they won't have to pay for me. No meed to even bury me, can throw me in the thrash bin like they did to all my pets. Let the cute little baby shine. My life is over as soon as im not in the system, the matrix and there's no profit of me. I feel like a cow that no longer gives milk. This isn't himan. This is an animal farm. And cats are actually wolves
No one is trying to make you feel bad. We are trying to help you see that you need take charge of your own life. At some point in our lives we cross that line from being someone’s child to becoming an adult. I realize you have an education in phycology and want to work in that field but sometimes we have to take what we can get. In the us there are thousands of college graduates that can’t find work in their field. But they have to live. They have families and bills to pay and food to buy. But as they are working at a job they don’t want they ate constantly looking for a job that is their field. Do you understand what Im trying to say? We do care about you. Many have been where you are and they have lived through it and are trying to help you.
Now is the time in your life that you have a chance to be your own boss. You have an opportunity to live where want, how you want. To come and go as you please. To watch tv or turn on the ac. It’s scary, we all know that. We all suffer from the fear , the anxiety, the insecurity. We are here to give you strength not hurt you. Please don’t talk about hurting yourself. If you are truly feeling that way please get help. Call someone or go to the emergency room. You can chat with me anytime.
Please know that there are people here who care very much about you! I am sorry you are feeling unsupported. I know you are suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I do support you.
Hi again,I'm sorry that my comment and a majority of this thread hurt. I know that I speak for the others as well as myself when I say that it is not our goal to make you feel badly. Just like you are trying you're best, so are we.
Can I ask what you would like us to say? I admire you for writing your pain. I can see that writing is how you process, so this is really really good. Please continue doing so for as long as it helps. That brings me to my question, though. And that is this: what kinds of comments would you like? Only you know how much pain you're in; we can only imagine what it's like for you.
Thank you. Honestly im having a panic attack rn and i can't take my meds because mom's home and she calls them drugs and I have to hide from her so answering is hard
I'm sorry it's so hard. If you can, drink some water and take deep breaths. Your mom isn't stopping you from taking your meds, is she? Please take them if you need them, okay?
I'm so sorry. Life changes and losing someone sucks, especially at the same time. I feel like i want to puke and cry. My parents are divorced and it's been a living hell since. My dad has a new wife and baby. I didn't even know he married her and i don't even know when the now probably a child is called. Mom's drinking and abusing us. None of them cares i am not okay and that sis is not okay neither. We have stomach issues all the time and they just stuff us with meds and don't care they're causing this. Dad's stopping my child support since i graduated. I got punishments for graduation instead of prize
Is there no social system where you live? No job-seekers' allowance? Without enough money to live on, you cannot change anything very much, but if your mum is stopping you from taking your anxiety medicine, that is a further obstacle. Your father probably doesn't have an idea of how you are living. You could try and make peace with him and see if he will help out. Or - and I'm not sure how ethical this would be - Face Book - Go Fund Me.
Thanks. I tell him but he gaslights me telling me this isn't real...as if he didn't run away from mom. He's making contradictions with himself - he said he left because she was behaving bad but now says she isn't. I have told him. I have begged him to buy me my meds. He doesn't care my mom justifies her drinking with my meds and calls me a drug addict and more. She's gaslighting me as well - she tells me she drinks cabbage juice and then stinks in wine. I haven't seen such allowance
You have to get help locally. Someone should be able to tell you how to claim a benefit, if such a thing exists in your country. I don't know where you would start, but someone in the Housing department ought to be able to point you in the right direction. Do it tomorrow because it might take you several days to find the right department.
Well, you have to reach out to a "pen pusher" somewhere to ask the questions you need to ask. They won't bite your head off. You just need information.
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Am i being selfish?
I am a big jerk
