I have always been a quiet person, according to my mother, I hardly ever cried as a baby. The quiet baby grew into a quiet child. Being quiet was mistaken by teachers as being well behaved which got me a lot of positive reinforcement, I liked being singled out for being a "good" kid and I went to school where that was rewarded. I wasn't really quiet to be good, I was quiet because I was always scared of what would happen if I wasn't "good". I thought for sure my whole life would be ruined if I was ever in trouble at school, no good high school would accept me and I could kiss college good bye. So I stayed quiet. I was quiet in highs school which was much bigger and less rewarding of silence, I realized that I was not going to stand out this way in such a loud environment but it was too late, I was the quiet one and I couldn't change that anymore than I could change my height. I was practically invisible in college. I commuted to school which made it that much harder to find friends but I doubt that staying in the dorms would have changed anything for me. We had to spend a weekend in the dorms prior to starting our classes in order to sit for some exams and at the end of my weekend, one of the team leaders for my group wrote a note remarking at how quiet I was. It was far from the only time my quietness has been mentioned, I always wonder if people think that they are pointing out something new to me. Do they think that they are unlocking some deep secret that is going to change me? It also makes me wonder if my quietness bothers people and just causes me to retreat even more.
It's probably not quiet though, right? It's being shy. Being shy to the point that there are days I go without speaking to anyone. It's led me to be a 46 year old with no friends. A few years ago I even tried to ask some of my old school friends who I found on Facebook if they wanted my phone number seeing as how many of us still lived close to each other and no one answered me. I don't go there anymore. It's hard to see them with their multitude of friends and their beautiful homes and endlessly wonder how I failed myself so much that I'm spending more time in bed than I do out of it. Suicide creeps around my head because how could it not, I have nothing else in there to keep it at bay. We are supposed to fill our lives with people and experiences and I have managed to do neither. I've torn up pictures of myself as a kid because I can't look at her, I failed her so many times she deserves so much better. She was a good kid, a little quiet that's all.
I've never been vulnerable in front of someone who was not my mother. Never cried in front of anyone who's not my mother. Not having friends will do that to you. I'm incapable of talking about myself so I can't go to talk therapy, the idea of it terrifies me, and before you say that it has to be better than what I am going through now, here's the thing: I know I can do this, I've been this way my whole life. I can't stand the thought of a person seeing me cry or actually hear me say these things. I could write them, sure, I could do this all day but I'll never say them out loud.
I feel as if I wrote this entire post myself, with the minor detail that we're different ages but omg legitimately everything you've said here sounds like it came straight out of my own childhood and life ever since whatever moment it was that baby-Me decided that being "good" and staying out of trouble was more important than... pretty much anything.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this, especially the thoughts of suicide. Passive suicidal ideation is a daily struggle for me, has been since I was at least age ten, if not longer ago than that. For several years now I've felt nothing but guilt and shame over how badly I feel I've failed my past self too, and God I have the SAME horrible brain- and body-numbing fear of having anyone but my mother or father ever seeing me cry... I just feel so MUCH of what you described here. For what it's worth, you don't deserve to feel like this. No one does. I've had a terrible night and was feeling really awful and alone, then reading your post made me feel... less lonely, at least, although I hate to think of anyone else in the world feeling as atrocious as I do.
I don't know if this is useful/helpful, but I started getting online text-based therapy about 18 months ago. Spent a solid decade avoiding any kind of counseling whatsoever for exactly the reasons you mentioned, and I can feel my brain still resisting it even now when I get in my worst moods. But having a therapist to vent things to even over text messages has actually been really helpful for me, particularly since I have a severe social/medical anxiety and always knew that even if I could ever make an appointment with a therapist, I would never actually GO to the appointment. So I finally registered with betterhelp.com (I think there are numerous other services like it) and thankfully they have a financial aid program you can apply for by the month if you're on a limited budget like me... anyway, now I can actually communicate my novel-length essays about my feelings to a licensed professional even though I'm too afraid or too inexperienced to talk about them verbally or in person. (I've tried to do that with my mom, for instance, but I just clam up, lock up, my mind goes blank, my mouth and throat dry out, and all I can think is how badly I need *anything* to distract attention from me because I just freeze solid.) Point being, maybe something like an online therapy service would work for you too? At least it might be worth researching if you haven't already done so.
You mentioned that you already know you can do this, because you've lived this way your whole life... and wow. That's just how I am too. Being miserable, watching everyone around me be successful and happy and actually recovering in therapy because they're not afraid to go in person and talk to someone and be seen crying... I can do the miserable bystander thing, I've been doing it as long as I can remember and it's all I know. I'm crazy about blankets (get cold everywhere I go), so a while back I told my counselor that my depression and anxiety, my everyday gloominess and feelings of inadequacy are like my security blanket, one that other people keep telling me is nasty and dirty and filled with holes but it's the only thing I have to keep me together. But she keeps assuring me that there are better blankets out there, and trying to get me to believe that I'm deserving of something softer, cleaner, warmer... it's a daily battle to try and accept any of those thoughts too, but I'm told that's the "work" of therapy.
Sorry for going on so long. I just really wanted you to know that you're NOT alone in this, and I wanted to thank you for talking about what you're going through because it truly has helped me feel less alone myself. And I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but please know that I'm rooting for you and that YOU ARE WORTHY of having more in your life than just these feelings of depression and fear and self-doubt. Sending lots of love, and I hope tomorrow is kinder to you. <3
I have been checking out Better Help and I know it's more than likely the only way I could go to therapy. Thank you for reading my wall O' text. I know that no matter how bad we feel, we aren't the only people who feel that way, it's just our brains telling us that. It's heartening to know that I'm not the only person who feels this way and I'm glad that you are getting help. I am hoping to take that step soon for myself.
You're so right, we never are truly alone and our brains are just... mean when they make us think we are. I really do encourage you to look into BetterHelp or a service like it (I think TalkSpace is another one), when I found out that online and text-based therapy existed it was a complete game changer for me--a way I could finally connect with a licensed professional but still not have to do the daunting, panic-attack-causing thing of calling for an appointment and going to an office to meet a stranger... ugh. Please let me know if you have any questions about how it works or whatever, I know the decision to take that step can be really daunting but once you do that part it gets easier because then you know you have a source of support who for sure won't leave you. :] Feel free to message me any time, I'd be happy to talk or just listen if you need an ear. Hope you're feeling better! <3
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