Hey gang, I am a 20-year-old college student and I have really been struggling academically. Last spring semester began my biggest spiral yet. I had recently lost my dog unexpectedly, I was having family and relationship problems, my self-esteem was plummeting, and my anxiety and depression were at an all time high. Since then, my situation has improved a lot. I am in a loving relationship, I feel supported by my friends and family, and I am able to somewhat function again. However, I continue to do poorly in school.
I was a straight A student all through grade school and in the beginning of college, but now I get B's and C's. I've always found a sense of identity in being the "smart kid" and being generally academically gifted. I was never very popular, I was never good at sports, I didn't partake in many extracurricular activities, so I always felt like I belonged in the classroom as a teacher's pet. All this changed as depression started crushing me more than it ever had. I had no motivation to do school work and when I would finally do homework, I could barely focus.
Although I'm managing my mental health issues better than before, I still find it nearly impossible to attend class regularly and complete all my assignments. Part of me believes I'm just being lazy, but I feel like my desire to do well would have snapped me out of a lazy streak by now.
Constant exhaustion combined with my "I don't care" attitude has resulted in me doing poorly (by my standards) in school for a while now. This is a terrible cycle because the more poorly I do, the lower my self-esteem. My low self-esteem pushes me further into negative thinking patterns and depression. My dropping GPA has resulted in me totally losing my sense of self. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I'm tired of letting everyone down.
I don't even necessarily care that much about just raising my grades back up (although that would be nice). I just want to feel like I'm more than just my academic performance. I need to find new ways to feel like myself and find fulfillment.
I'm sorry this post was very "venty". I appreciate anyone who's here to listen and offer support.