It's finally quiet in my head.

[Jennblank7734]

The posts that are up today regarding things positive are bothering me. My first reaction it to ignore them. Unfortunately that little voice kicked in and here I am. Sometimes a situation can be so difficult it's hard to remember the last time I was touched by an act of kindness, I felt happy, or I thought about things I should be grateful for.

One way that kind of brings things back to center is thinking things could be worse. I could be homeless. I could have no income. Something could happen to my puppies. No way to come to sites like this for help. Not having anyone for support. I could have not slept. I could be in a lot more pain. I could feel like I did last night.

That's a big one. I could feel like I did last night. I am grateful I dont.

I could not have met Gustavo. Yes, its the most painful thing I've ever been through and it will only hurt more with each passing day. I am thankful I am the person he spends his time with. I am thankful to mean so much to him. I am thankful that I have these wonderful memories.

Are there situations where there's truly nothing positive to be found?

That might be true about my relationship with JM. Am I a stronger person? No. Did I learn something about myself or him that I can feel good about? No. Am I a better person in a way? No. The most positive aspect I can find to take from that 6 years of my life is...nothing really. 6 years of absolute misery and abuse.

I guess I'm grateful to have known my mom before she was this awful, spiteful, hateful, nasty, and so very mean of a person. I miss her so much the way she was.

I am thankful it's still quiet. The tension and uncomfortable atmosphere still exists, but there's not been email after email of bullshit. There's not much I can do today. Tomorrow I will be able to contact the state to finally get some answers. I know that she can't be legally allowed to do some of these things. I still have feelings like I don't want anyone to get in trouble and it's frustrating to care. I'm really tired of caring about people who are so wrong to me.

I will finish here. It was difficult to think about positive things in these situations. I feel a little sad now. I hope it stays quiet today. I desperately needed the break.

[Agora1]

Jennblank7734 When life seems unforgiving, we need to take these moments of

calmness and embrace it. Don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow but live in

the present moment today. It will help regenerate your mind. Wishing you peace

through the night. xx

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm taking whatever breaks I can get. After that many days of the same thing, I lose resiliency. It's not that I don't try. Theres that saying about depression. Umm.. depression is not admitting you're weak, it's that you've been strong for far too long. Something like that. I'm 45. Cindy is 40. How do you think I feel bring pushed to tears and having to tell another person to please leave me alone. Ill tell you, not good. I can only handle so much.

[Jennblank7734]

I'm exhausted. My heart feels empty. My body feels numb. I have these thoughts of no one likes me anyways. It's like my chest actually feels empty. I don't really feel any sadness or hurt, emotionally, right now. I feel like I don't care anymore. I know this will go away. It doesn't last long. It still sucks tho

[Agora1 in reply to Jennblank7734]

Dearest Jennblank, we can never allow how we feel momentarily in making us

give up on ourselves. These depressed thoughts make us think we are invisible

and that no one cares. Actually dear, none of us would be on this site if we didn't

care about each other. We have all felt the pain of emptiness and loneliness which

makes it easier for us to feel empathy for one another.

You do know that nothing lasts forever. As bad as it feels at the time, believe

in that rainbow that comes after the rain. Life might not come with guarantees

but know that I care about you. You may be alone physically and emotionally

but virtually, you have all of us here in the community. Goodnight dear xx

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Counting blessings is a helpful thing to do.

I wish you peace and joy.

[Jennblank7734 in reply to Thankfulforhelp22]

What I'm thankful for right now is my doctors assistant called back instead of sending emergency services to my house. I'm trying so hard to stay out of the hospital