It has gotten to the point now where I fear going to sleep because I might have good dreams. A good dream where I'm happy and successful and have friends. It's even worse if I have a dream where I have a loving partner. I hate these dreams because I have to wake up and be me. Wake up all alone with nothing to show for my 46 years but a pile of debt and parents who deserved a better kid. Please don't tell me that things will get better, they haven't gotten better in the past twenty five years, they aren't going to get better because I'm not going to change. I'm dying in slow motion and I want it to speed up. I wish I could give my good health to someone else, a woman I went to school with now has cancer. She is a sweet loving woman with a nice husband and two beautiful kids. I want her to have my health and I can't do anything about it. It's not fair, she's done everything right and she's suffering and all I want is to leave.
Afraid to Sleep Because Waking Up Hur... - Anxiety and Depre...
Afraid to Sleep Because Waking Up Hurts Too Much
I think you sound amazing. It's not too late. Maybe there are other ways of looking at the situation that would help. I like pandas too. Good luck.
Thank you.
Hi
I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.
Do feel free to message me if it will help. I understand it may not be helpful which was why you stopped messaging before.
I am always here if you wish to start again.
I get that you have got so low that there is nothing anyone can say which is helpful now.
Is it perhaps the time to go back to your doctor to reconsider antidepressants or to push more for a therapist.
I understand your fear that it will clash with other medication for your skin and that you are afraid of side effects. We all feel that and it is tough at first but it does get better. Amazingly better for many people as long as you work with them by making yourself take a little step forward each day. Important too to acknowledge when you have done this and give yourself a little reward and feel how well you have done.
You are in no way a failure or a disappointment to your parents. You make a lovely friend and are kind and caring. Your parents will just be very worried about you and would be devastated if you did anything drastic.
My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Kim
Thank you for always being so kind. I only stopped messaging because I thought you were on a vacation.
Most all of us are dying pretty much in slow in motion. That said, very sorry for your friend that has cancer, with today’s advanced medicine and technologies hopefully she’ll beat cancer.
I respect your choices, change is hard. For change to happen we usually wait till we are healed or in a better place so that we can change but sometimes change will get us to that better place. In any regards, at any given moment in time, we have the power to say this isn’t how this ends. I think the dreams are signs of hope, you’ve written yourself off at 46, you’re still quite young (I’m 53 in a few weeks) you can still decide how your story ends.
Thank you, the person with cancer was a childhood friend, I have not seen or spoken to her in years. I only found out through Facebook that she was sick.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Have you seen a doctor about how you are feeling? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? Been on antidepressants? Even people who have a family and seem to have it all together can feel alone and struggle with depression. Getting the right help is the step to feeling better. Also, it is possible to change; change our thoughts about ourselves, focus on the good things in are life, not just the things we want to change. It is our choice to not remained stuck, move forward, and change what we want to see differently in our lives. We can't do it on our own, we need guidance from professionals. I struggle with depression, but didn't want to remain struggling my life without some solutions. I decided to learn how to be a health and life coach. Through what I learned, I found out how to learn more about myself, become aware of what I need, and gain the tools to get there. The thing to remember is you need support and accountability from someone you feel comfortable to work with to get you there. I also know I am not alone, because my faith in God, knows that no matter what I go through He is there with me. I will be praying for you. Reach out anytime and pm me if you would like to chat. Here is an article (bit.ly/3grfJDn) about depression. I also watched a sermon today that really helped me understand that there is always a root to our depression - (youtu.be/bMe0mzkqfjI) Just know you are not causing these feelings. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and it takes the right medication and therapy to get you back to being balanced. Once you are balanced then you will be able to take the steps to make changes in your life. Hugs and God Bless
Thank you, I am really so shy that I can't speak these words, I can only type them so I have never spoken with a therapist. I really am afraid that the medication would make my skin worse and I have struggled with that pretty much my whole life.
With Covid many therapists are doing phone or video session online. That might help with your concern of talking in person. In order to start feeling better, it will begin with seeking professional help. You can't feel better just remaining at your home not taking any action. I know for me, when I was struggling, all I wanted to do was get out of the darkness and pain. It is hard to take that first step to getting help, but it is well worth it and feeling better as a result. I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety for over 20 years, but getting help and getting the right medication has helped me become balanced and more aware of what I need. I will be praying for you and feel free to pm me. Sometimes you just need someone to support, encourage and help you be accountable to taking the necessary steps to move forward and not stay where you are. Hugs
It's not going into a therapist's office that is the problem, it's saying this stuff out loud, it's crying in front of someone I don't know that's the problem. Also, I live with my parents and there is no way that they wouldn't overhear me talking to a therapist if I was doing it at home. There wouldn't be any real privacy.
The problem is if you don't do something you won't get better. You need to get help and someone to talk to. Is it possible for you to go to a therapist? There job is to be available for you to cry in front of and ask the right questions to get you to open up and explore what is causing you the pain.
If you want to pm me and feel comfortable sharing. I am open to see if I can be an encouragement to you. I am a good listener (especially when it is via typing 
You can't keep things inside and talking out what is adding to your depression is a start. I am not a Psychiatrist so I wouldn't know if you need medicine but I can relate and be a friend and support. You don't want to feel bad and continue to be that way. It is important to make changes to feel better and find joy and fulfillment in your life. Hugs
I would strongly suggest, if possible, getting a 2 hour massage...
Thank you but I'm not a fan of having strangers touching me and there are no massages here now because of Covid.
How are things going this week? I have been praying for you? Hugs
I have been busy trying to clean the apartment before my parents get back tonight. So I suppose I'm ok today. Thank you for asking, I appreciate it a lot.
Glad to hear you are doing better today. Remember we are always here for each other if you need to chat. Hugs
Our dreams feed our greatest potential. I felt lost too once. Life's a bitch and you can't win, I understand that. But it's not like you're dead yet and you don't have a reason to be. Whatever future you have left it's yours for the making and I think you are powerful enough to do something awesome with whatever you have in your hands for the time being. I'd like to know more and I'd like to help.
Thank you, I'm trying my best.
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