Abusive mother in law

[Ben1505]

Hi, so my wife’s mother is abusive to be. This has happened every time she comes to visit for over a decade. When she visits, she invades, and we never know how long that she is staying for. She waits until nobody is around to be cruel and vicious. Her comments are around me not being good enough, being a poor father, not being as good as her son (he’s been in prison 3 times while I’m a Deputy Principal of a high school). She invites her friends to stay at our house and just makes me feel inadequate. Should I keep going on with this? I’ve spoken to my wife but she says it’s her mother and she’s not prepared to do anything about it. It’s severely damaging my well-being having her in my life.

[Dolphin14]

Wow.... sounds like some boundaries are in order.

I would stay away from her. If you find yourself in a room alone with her move somewhere else.

🐬

[Arymretep in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes, don’t give her any opportunity to abuse you, stay as far away from her as possible

[Dolphin14 in reply to Arymretep]

Most definitely. Sounds very toxic stay out of the line of fire

❤️🐬

[tiblo in reply to Dolphin14]

i would just say stay away dont come round any more if they dont like it tough you have to take care of your self i would not put up with that take care

[FindingTheAnswers]

My ex-wife was the same but it was her Dad that was a problem. I told I didn’t want to go by their house because of my Father in law’s behavior. A couple of weeks go by and she says that her Mom asks why we haven’t be by them (my Mother in law was great!). So you know what happened. To keep the peace. To be the better person. To continue to get messed on.

Since she only does this when no one else is around, I would call your mother in law a chameleon. She changes depending on her surroundings. Best I can tell you is that I understand how you feel.

Hang in there.

[Xene]

Looks like you need to grow a thicker skin if your wife is not prepared to say anything to her mother. If your m-I-l does all her bitching about you behind your back simply tell your wife you’re not interested in anything her mother has to say about you so don’t bother telling you what she says. If she’s rude to your face you need to learn some classic sarcasm or put downs then walk away with a smile on your face. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”

[Ben1505 in reply to Xene]

No, it’s to my face but when nobody else is around.. or it’s subtle. Like she was telling our children how their mother (her daughter) does such a good job by providing for them and buying them things. (No mention of anything I do). She’s told my daughters that I’m lazy and she wished that their mum had married someone else.

[Xene in reply to Ben1505]

Awww mate you defo need to put her in her place! She does it because she knows she can get away with it. I see from your other response you don’t like confrontation, who does? But your house your rules. You really need to call her out on it even if it’s only once, if that doesn’t work just don’t engage with her except for yes and no answers. If your wife won’t support you in this I can’t really see what else you can do.

[Seaturtle23]

Setting boundaries is probably one of the hardest things to do. Especially if you are someone who doesnt like conflict. In the end healthy boundaries need to be put into place. Those are sometimes hard if we fear the response or actions to them. Deep down this is taking a huge effect on you and that should be a priority. For a heathlier you, those boundaries need to be placed for sure.

[Ben1505 in reply to Seaturtle23]

I abhor conflict so I become very withdrawn when she comes to stay and hide away in my own home rather than face her.. when I do surface, I get abuse. I’ve spoken to my wife about it and all I get it “what can I do about it, she’s my mum”

[2L84x in reply to Ben1505]

The situation you're in sounds really awful. Nobody should have to put up with something like this. And when your mother in law is putting you down in front of your daughters, she is really putting down 50 % of them, too... I mean, if their father is so bad, how can they be any good?!

But I was thinking about what you could say to your wife when she says "what can I do about it, she's my mum". What would *you* like her to do? Explain to your wife what you need from her. Is it enough that you and her talk afterwards, and laugh about the crazy things her mother says? Or do you need her to stand up for you, and confront her mother when she says things like she wishes her daughter 'had married someone else'? Or is it enough that your wife tells you that she is married to you because she wants to be? Do you need your wife to tell you that she doesn't think you're lazy? Or do you want her to tell her mother that?

I have some experiences that are similar,because my dad would say things to my husband that were meant to make him feel inadequate. Or at least that's what my husband felt. I made excuses for my dad, 'oh he didn't mean it that way, you're too sensitive'... So I didn't fully take my husband's side in this. And I think that was more hurtful to him that the things my dad said.

[Midori]

Oh dear, You appear to have the MIL from the place where it's hot!

Your wife seems intimidated by her mother. MIL is gaslighting you.

My opinion , (for what it's worth,) is that you need to get your wife onside and present an united front to MIL, set some ground rules such as Don't turn up unexpectedly, Don't invite friends without notice, Remember this is Not Her House, that she is a guest and should act accordingly. I think she is bullying your wife into compliance. Your Children should also not be witnessing MIL's bad behaviour in Your home. Children pick these things up quickly, and it is you and your wife who should be setting the example.

MIL should not be harassing you in your own home. You could consult a lawyer and get a restraining order. I'm not familiar with NZ laws but I'm sure there is something you can do about this. It is starting to affect your work, and that's not good.

Otherwise, if your wife won't step up with you, you could tell her that the situation is affecting your health, and if she won't help you stand up to MIL, you may have to leave.

Drastic, Yes, but it might work if your wife understands that her marriage is a partnership which is at risk, and she doesn't owe her mother obedience as she is an adult now!

Sorry for my rant. My MIL was somewhat similar!

Cheers, Midori

[Ben1505]

edit: she left today but as she was leaving she looked me in the eye and said “I’ll be back in September”. I don’t want to go through this again, what do I do?

[Hidden in reply to Ben1505]

You move further away and to good location for your family

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

or you get someone else wife or relative or friend to deal with her

[Ben1505 in reply to Hidden]

she already lives in a different country

[Hidden]

This is awful, poor you. I'll relate how my colleague dealt with a very aggressive woman at work. This woman was a trade union rep and someone we needed to speak to occasionally so couldn't avoid her. For no reason she had it in for my colleague and one time we could see her making a beeline for my colleague. This colleague instinctively put her hand up in front of herself and loudly said NO as if to say back off. A clear message was sent and the woman was surprised and left her alone.

You have a right to defend yourself especially in your own house from verbal attack, it's just such a terrible situation for you, I'm not saying this will work. It's just an idea.

All the best to you

[Midori]

September is Spring in NZ. How about taking a holiday then? Not the high summer, so the crowds shouldn't be too big. Not sure which Island you are on, but might be fun looking about the place.

Back in the time of the 'Ten Pound Poms' My first hubby and I nearly emigrated to your beautiful country.

But you two really do need to stiffen the spines, in order to deal with her!

Cheers, Midori

[Ben1505 in reply to Midori]

Thanks Midori, I'm a teacher so I'll be restriced when I can go on holidays. I will make myself scarce though... IF she comes back over.

[Midori in reply to Ben1505]

I hadn't thought of School terms! Been retired too long!😀 Sorry you couldn't escape.

Assertiveness course might help you both to deal with the Monster In Law; certainly helped me when I was very timid, soon after my husband suicided.

Cheers, Midori