Earlier, I thought I was just gonna stay in bed all day and do nothing. I should’ve stuck to that plan.

[Ubud2021]

((This is a long post, I apologize, just really needing some support right now and thoughts on OCD medication.)) -

But, instead I decided to get up, get some paperwork together and call back places I need either more physical health appointments, mental health appointments, and school loan information.

And it all just turned out....not so great. I woke up with a migraine (I have chronic migraines and Occipital Neuralgia). Having 20+ migraine days a month is... something I’ve learned to accept. But sometimes it’s hard looking on the bright side of things.

After my colonoscopy on 4/23, they were supposed to schedule me for an ultrasound of the stomach, but I never heard from them. So I called them back. I have 2 papers that have an order for this by my gastrointestinal. But, they said I have no record of needing one, and will call back when they find out more info. -which, blah.

I also get ketamine treatment. The place I go to is under new management, and raised the price per booster $150 more than the regular price. I am currently unemployed, and cannot pay that much. But ketamine treatment has worked for me tremendously. It definitely helps with my OCD and panic disorder. I used to have around 5 panic attacks a day. Sometimes more. I could not function. Because having so many panic attacks, takes a big toll on the body, and also caused me a lot of depersonalization. -which would last for hours. And if you’ve ever experienced depersonalization, you know it’s not a place you want to be mentally.

So anyway, the new manager over my ketamine clinic, said he would keep working with me on MY price I’ve always paid for. All he needs from me are notes from my therapist and notes from my psychiatrist stating the things I’m doing, and the help I’m getting outside of the ketamine therapy, to insure him I am working on myself mentally, and not just going in to get high. Stuff of that nature. They both have emailed their letters about a month ago to my ketamine clinic, with the new manager not calling me about the cost of my treatment like he said he would. I’ve called multiple times, on different days. First, they said they don’t have any records that I ever talked to him or that he said these things, or that they’ve gotten any emails about my treatment from anyone. I called again today to try and directly talk to him, but of course “he’s not in at the moment”. I asked when he’ll be in, and the reply was, “I don’t know”. I am getting so fed up with this new management. The ketamine therapy from my last treatment is wearing off, quickly, as it usually does after a month and 1 week. and it’s taking a big toll on my obsessions/compulsions as well as panic attacks. I find it very unfair for him to be able to play with peoples mental health like this. And is VERY unprofessional.

I called a different ketamine clinic today that is closer to me, to ask about their pricing, how they work things, and what their plan would be for taking me in, as I’m in the “booster” stage of my therapy. He was a very nice man who answered all my questions without leaving me with more questions. Which is always nice to talk to someone like this, especially when it comes to mental/physical health. He said they try to beat competitors pricing. I told home my story, without naming the clinic I currently do treatment at, and he knew exactly where I was going, because he told me that this has not been his first call about this exact problem from this new management at my current ketamine clinic, as of this week alone. And it’s only Tuesday. As my current ketamine clinic raised the price up $150 more, the best they are allowed to do is $25 off the total amount, of the new price at my current clinic. -which again, I cannot pay for. I can’t afford this.

I’ve been crying for hours. Because, no, of course I don’t want to start having panic attacks daily, multiple times a day, again. That life is too much for me. The one I have right now, it seems I can barely handle. Also this means my OCD symptoms will increase dramatically. And I’ll probably have to start on an OCD medication. Which my therapist told me are very sedating and cause other problems. So, I’m thinking if they’re so sedating, May cause me more depression. As I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday, and asked for a depression medication “add on” he said it’s not the best option for me since I am back in a household that’s causing the extra depression. Which is true. So he said an add on, is not the best choice as long as I’m in this environment.

I just feel doomed. Ketamine therapy was one of the best things I’ve found for my mental health. And now, it’s like it’s getting ripped away from me.

[Hidden]

Hi there, I'm sorry that you had a tough day. I'm also sorry that your new treatment cannot be continued right now. I had a tough yesterday as well. Maybe there's something in the stars... a lot of people seemed to be having a downright struggle with themselves, reality, etc. I've been wanting to try the K treatment myself because nothing else seems to have worked long-term. I'm considering a low dose of lexapro to get me through the covid stuff yet I don't want to jump through all the damn hoops and pay all the damn money just to get a few hundred tiny pills.

Maybe the OCD treatment (the side effects) won't be as bad as you think? At least you won't have panic attacks constantly? I'm trying to think of the positives that may unfold with new treatment so you can get through another day. Yesterday I literally had to take every minute one at a time to make it to today. Today I'm trying to make so I don't do permanent damage to my brain, my body, my career, and my relationships. That's all. Nothing great. Nothing Herculean. Just try to stymie any further damage. I hope we both find some solace in this often turbulent world that we live in.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Hey there. Thanks for this reply. And thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. There is a full moon, so, I wonder if that’s it!

I highly recommend ketamine treatment!! It’s not cheap, but worth it. I’m very “treatment resistant” and I’ve been on everything. And my counselor was the one who actually told me about this ketamine therapy and gave me some research papers on it. -And yes, it sucks going through the struggles of getting on a new medication. I feel ya there! If you do have to pay out of pocket, GoodRx has amazing coupons for prescriptions and saves ya lots of money.

Yes, you are right that I guess I probably wouldn’t have panic attacks every day... it’s just I’m in a situation as of late, that I have no control over, I’m back at home with this pandemic and cannot go back to my home, as my moms wife is quarantined in my place. And me and my mom just argue soooo much. So with that, my psychiatrist said I’m developing ‘environmental depression.’

You are right though. Somehow and someway I will make it through. As will everyone. Sometimes I forget to think it’s okay to take it minute by minute, so thanks for sharing. I hope you find some relief too 💕 and thank you.

[Hidden in reply to Ubud2021]

Hi! Thanks for your response. as for the meds, it's not the meds themselves that are expensive (at least not if they have a generic version); rather, it's the psych and if they're in a group that makes you do therapy as well (my last go around, the psych (as well as one of my last therapists) said I didn't need therapy but the head of the company said it was mandatory.. I was going to and did wean myself off the meds anyway)). I am going to get relief from this isolation in two weeks so I'm preparing to leave my house for 10-14 days and do a small trip to hike and be with a friend.

Sorry to hear about the situational depression. The quarantining is damaging a lot of people. And as usual I'm pretty sure the media is downplaying the effect.

You're very welcome.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Ohhh okay yes now I see what you mean about it being so expensive. It sure is.

And how exciting is that!!! Have lots of fun!!! I’m so excited for you!

[TailWags]

I am so sorry for all your troubles. I wish i had some wonderful.advice, but i dont know about that stuff. I have depression , anxiety and get migrains, but not familiar with ketamine. I do know the health system in the US needs a major overhaul. A country this wealthy and developed has no excuse for not ensuring people get the care they need. Hopefully there will be more compassion and less greed in the future.

Sorry i have no curing advice or magic wand (which i have wanted for years) but i am impressed with how you have been able to deal with these issues so far. You must have some heafty inner strength and a desire to find solutions. That is a lot right there.

Please take care and know people care about you, even if you dont know them.

[Ubud2021 in reply to TailWags]

Thank you. Thank you for your kind, inspiring words. I too wish I had a magic wand that could heal! Haha

Thank you again. You take care as well, and have a beautiful day💕

[Whale-water]

So sorry, just hope that things may turn around...no one can take hope away from u

[Ubud2021 in reply to Whale-water]

You’re right. No one can take hope away from me. Thank you.

[Hidden]

I feel your pain..,.ocd is insidious....I wish I had magic words for you also but I do not as I feel doomed myself. It is not a nice way to feel. And when people say there is mental help out there, to some extent it is true, but it is very difficult to get good help without having to wait 6 months for an appt. Have you ever tried a mood stabilizer like lamictal? That is my next med try. All the best to you.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way yourself. It’s definitely not a good time at all... I have tried mood stabilizers, but found out about the long term side effects from them, and stopped taking them. It helped while I was on it greatly for many years! But, just decided it is not for me anymore because I wouldn’t be able to bare certain long term side effects they bring. I hope they help you, and you find relief!!!

So are you not taking any medications for OCD?

[Hidden]

Hi there...I take 200 mg of sertraline....it is doing nothing for me. As for lomg term side effects, I really am not concerned as I am 62....so if they give me some quality of life for the rest of my life I would be fine with that. May I ask what mood stabilizer you took and how it helped you?

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Hello 👋

Yes, I’ve taken that before. Didn’t really anything for me either. But I get what you mean about having a better quality of life. Just don’t want to start an OCD medication that will cause more of depression... ya know? I’m fighting that as well right now, so I don’t know which of the lesser evils to pick.

And I took abilify.

[Hidden in reply to Ubud2021]

It is just so difficult living with this Ocd. The rumination never stops for me. It is horrible,

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

It is very difficult! And extremely frustrating. I’m sorry to hear you’re not having a good time either. I hope we both find some relief soon. 💕