I laid in bed all day today, feeling ashamed

I don't have any friends where I'm living, and I always feel like something is wrong with me. I have all this hate towards my family, and they're all I have!!! I go from feeling very alone to wishing I was totally alone. I feel like a total outsider in my own family, they are always getting mad at me for something I said or did, even if it wasn't anything towards them. I feel like I really hate all of them right now. I constantly have suicidal thoughts, I feel like they would be happy to have me out of the way. Everything I do or don't do is constantly criticized. I'm considering starting to go see a psychologist twice a month, but they want so much money per session, I just don't know. I wish I was a totally different person a lot of the time. Now one of my sisters is really mad at me because we were in this crowded Coney Island last week, where I didn't really want to be, and I was frustrated and let out a few swear words. I wasn't swearing at her or at any of the restaurant staff, but now I've embarrassed her and this is how my family treats me- I'm the embarrassment. I'm not allowed to have emotions or feelings or say anything, they prefer me when I'm quiet. Ever since I was young I always shut myself away in my room, because none of them care about what I have to say anyway. So many times I am lying in bed silently crying, and all they want to do is tell me how lazy I am. This has been my whole life and it's never going to change, they are not going to change and I'm not either. I'm so tired of being depressed and feeling like nothing gets better. I just go in circles with people. Everything I do or say is wrong. I really don't want to see a psychologist, I'd much rather talk to the people on here. My family isn't going to change!!!!! They don't love me or really care about me at all, they put up with me and they can't stand me, it is the truth!!! I just cry in bed or listen to music a lot because that helps process my pain. I need to get a job, and I'm too emotional. I don't belong anywhere. I don't want to pay a psychologist all my money and end up more broke than I already am!!! I'm so frustrated, things never get any better for me, and I don't know how to make anything better. I know I have to help myself, I'm just this stupid emotional sensitive empath and I'm too reactive. I'm tired of people dumping on me. Sorry about the rant, I just can't keep taking all this stuff from my family members and being the family scapegoat. They can dish it out but they can't take it.

[Hidden]

My heart breaks for the pain you have faced and still face. I hear what you are saying and I too have faced what you are sharing right now. I truly do understand more than I can explain right now for its not about me at this moment but about you. You are so not stupid and being an emotional empath (although hard for many of us who are) is a beautiful thing. You are worthy of love, you have value and your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter and I care even though we don't know each other I care. I hope to get to know you better and I hope you will find comfort and support in our exchanges. Also that you can find the path that is right for you and that with the right connections and support you will find healing and hope for the days ahead.

[Rosalia1 in reply to Hidden]

My heart breaks for u and u are not alone I feel the same

[Freedom57]

Your post is really heavy with a lot of self condemnation.

If you don’t think anything will change, you’re right it won’t & you’ll remain depressed & miserable

It takes a lot of hard work & effort to make real lasting changes but it’s so worth it.

Happiness is an inside job regardless of what happens outside of us

I hope you find peace on your healing journey🌻

[hypercat54]

I am sure your family do care about, why would they let you live with them otherwise? They aren't obliged to. It does sound like you have fallen back into your childhood role again but remember you are an adult now and can deal with life differently. If you don't want to be around your family much or don't want to go out with them you don't have to.

[Courtm4511]

I struggle with my family a lot in the same way. Sometimes if you just take a mental step back from them it helps. Maintain a polite relationship with them but put your focus into something else. I put my focus on my son and work. Now I have a professional relationship with them that they can continue to be in my life but on my terms. And because I focused on working and succeeding, I’m a homeowner, continuing my education and watching my son succeed with the support I never felt. Sometime the toxic things in our lives are the things we need to continue to be there to push us forward. Hope this helps ❤️

[Hidden]

I’m the black sheep of my family, always was. I was and still am an embrassment to my family a complete disappointment. Not sugar coating it either, it is what is. I got tired of not being able to be myself, but there soooo much more to my story, but in short I walked away, I made the hard choice to let them do their thing and I’ve gone off and done my own thing.

I don’t think we heal until we remove the things, people and places that bind us and keep us from moving forward.

That said, the thing that stands out with you is that you say you are not willing change. I’m unclear if that means you want to continue locking yourself in your room and keeping your life the way it is or if you are truly working towards or at least wanting to get away from the life that steels your power and keeps you beat down. I guess the question is, what do you really want and what are you willing to do or moreover what are you not willing to do to have it?

I will say this, your family has many more ounces of caring than you realize, they have not left you stranded, mine did. A couple of times I needed to go back home to get back on feet, they said your an adult, adults don’t come back into the family home to live. So in my mind it can always be worse.

So sorry your life hasn’t turned out to be what or where you want to be. It really is never too late, but if you stay in the same place, keep doing the same things, you’ll keep getting the same results. Change is hard, change takes energy... physical, emotional and mental energy, sometimes we just don’t have any to spare while depressed, it’s why depression steels so much from us, and left untreated you cant see light, you live in a such dark place and it’s ever seemingly impossible to climb out on your own. But I hope you do one day, I think money spent on your mental wellness is money more than well spent, quality of life doesn’t have a price tag in my opinion. Wishing you the best.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

"I don’t think we heal until we remove the things, people and places that bind us and keep us from moving forward."

Hidden

wow that really spoke to me and though this post is not about me and I do not wish to make it so I wanted to say thank you for this really hit me to the core.

another point is my family did not leave me stranded but they did want to keep me entangled to keep me down and controlled which is why they helped in the years that was my reality. I hear what you are saying and I do not mean to dismiss anything your sharing with googoodollsfan14 for what you have to say matters and has great value. I just know from my experiences it was not love or concern but control and abuse that motivated them to help. Not sure if that is here case just a thought. What an amazing place this site is. So much openness and different thoughts and perspectives

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Great reply RoxieDawn and I completely agree with you. Very well said.

[Hidden]

Thank you everyone for your input. I think I'm going to call the psychologist tomorrow and set up the appointment, maybe it will be worth the money. Truth is I feel ashamed that I'm depending on my family like this, I don't like feeling like I'm back to being 16 dying to break out of my parents house, I feel like I can never get away and that my other family members look down on me. Maybe if I get some therapy I can figure out a game plan for how to support myself and earn way more money and not need their help once and for all. Thanks again.💖

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You are so strong and so brave to be reaching out and to be real with how you feel. You are worth the money it will take and worth the time to figure it all out. I just want you to know that you truly are worth it!!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, that really means a lot to me!!!

[Indiegal]

I'm really sorry you're going through all this and I can relate so much to your experiences. I was talking to my therapist about something similar this week and it helped that she told me that my feelings matter and it's not ok for my family to invalidate my feelings or what I'm going through right now. I'm sure she said it in a better way but it was helpful just to have someone validate my feelings. So I guess I'm saying the same to you that your feelings matter and it's not fair they are constantly mad at you and treating you poorly. I'm happy to talk if you want to.

[Hidden in reply to Indiegal]

Thank you, it's not that they're all bad. I am very grateful for my mom. I used to have my own apartment and car and about 3 years ago I practically lost everything and also left a relationship I was in. I'm really way too old to be depending on my parents like this!!!! Thank you for your support, youre welcome to send me a personal message if you like.

[8Bee]

Seek help, you are worth it. Don’t do it for your family. Do it for you. Do it to learn how to love yourself for the way that you are. I feel like until we accept ourselves we can better control ourselves. Maybe your surroundings won’t change, but your view and how you handle your surroundings will. Maybe you don’t need to change how emotional you are, but the reaction and what happens with those emotions. That’s the type of control and change that we need. I say “we” because trust me you are not alone. If you feel it is too expensive.. yup I feel the same way. Find other options or counselors that will work with payments or some sort other way to afford it. You might not find it quick, but keep the idea open.