Needing advice-yet again...🙄🙄 Anger, resentment & bitterness.

[Ubud2021]

Yup, this is another post about me needing some advice.

This topic is not about managing the thoughts of the unknown. It’s about certain feelings that can make us cold to the world, our families and friends, and also ourselves. - Anger, resentment & bitterness.

Now, I’m normally a very chill, laid back, empathetic, nurturing human being. But lately, all I see is red. All I feel through my veins and body are these 3 ugly emotions.

I have a regular therapist (that now are phone sessions due to the virus) and also an online therapist. The main issue that’s causing me to have these emotions, are the relationship between me and my mother. I am “back at home” during this pandemic. So, seeing my mom everyday is inevitable. Me and her are constantly fighting, and it’s taking a big toll on me mentally, physically, and spiritually.

A few months ago, I was shut in my room due to depression. Not wanting to see or interact with anyone, and not wanting to do anything at all. Of course after some time, things got better. I eventually came out of my room and started socializing and spending the whole day outside my room. - Well, for about the past week or two, I’ve realized I’m staying shut inside my room, AGAIN! Not wanting to see or interact with anyone again as well. I don’t want to see or be around my mom, I don’t want to be around my grandma, (which is insane because she is my one and only hero, and just the cutest sweetest old lady you could ever meet.) because I’m so annoyed with everything that she says and does lately. And as far as my brother goes, his energy is pissing me off. (Like, what?) - So, maybe it’s best for me to stay shut in my room?? I certainly would NOT want to say anything to hurt ones feelings and say something I regret.

Anyway- My online therapist asked me certain questions about my mom, that of course I want to explain to help her better understand what/who I am dealing with, and the situations that arise. But when I talk about these things/ type them out, these intense angry, resenting and bitter feelings come out even more!!!! I have compulsions, and always tend to re-read what I have written over and over and over again, til I feel I am satisfied. It’s not a normal few readings to see if it “sounded good enough” or “missed anything.” - So, what happens is I get even more angry. Because I’m reading these things over and over, I start feeling them stronger and stronger.

ITS A NASTY CYCLE.

It’s hard for me not to project these feelings onto my family members. Especially my mom. Of course I do not want to fight or be rude. But, as these intense emotions were happening, my mother walked by and asked “how are you?” Despite her not stopping to wait for an answer by keeping on walking by, or her unconvincingly tone of “caring” voice, all I could do was look at her, with my eyebrows raised. I was debilitated by anger, resentment and bitterness. And truly, that’s all I can do with anyone here who tries to communicate with me.

[Blackdog1]

It's really a special circumstance we are in right now, though in some ways it is not.

I saw some of myself in your post and some of my siblings as well, many years ago as a teenager and young adult.

I don't know how much it is a mental health issue and how much it is something for interpersonal communication.

I will say, I had a similar situation like what you are having with your Grandma. I was withdrawing so I wouldn't snap at my closest friend. I ended up writing a short (page long) letter to them, just telling them I loved them, they meant every thing to me and that I was struggling right then. I didn't go into that much detail.

But I gave it to them and they read it in front of me and it made things a little better. I really needed to share my trouble but talking was too difficult.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Blackdog1]

Thanks for your reply.

The anger that I am having, stems from her being an emotionally distant mother. Also, past trauma and continuous/current issues with her. So, on some level, yes it comes from my mental health. But on another level, it’s her issues as well.

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad it worked for you. I will think about this and make a decision.

[Blackdog1 in reply to Ubud2021]

Good luck to you.

It sounds like you've given this alot of thought.

I wish you the best.

[Hidden]

The mom factor. Oh yes I relate. Leaving and going back I haven't experienced but going to visit and talking 3x per day even though I love my folks dearly and giving me a great life when I walk in the house the hands of time turn back to when I was 10 years old and that was a long time ago and it never fails. I still see red. Is she going to change. Nope. So I try not to say anything upsetting I don't want to argue that's my mom so I just say "okay". The criticism begins from your hair's too long to why are you wearing that this that and the other thing and I'm always wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. So just saying " ok" stops any arguing and I don't want her feeling bad. Anything can happen in a moment and then she's gone for good and I don't want that. So to keep peace I've changed my response to "ok"...I think most daughters get the mom factor.

My best!

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Yes, it’s so crazy how you instantly remember all of these things and go back to a time.

I know she will never changed. We’ve tried to negotiate so we both feel better understood my whole life. But the next day, she doesn’t feel as if it’s necessary.

I’m glad just saying “okay” works for you. I understand the power that this has. I’ve done it multiple times as well. But I’m other cases, I want to resolve the objective while maintaining my self respect. If that makes sense. I do not try to argue. I will genuinely try to talk/solve the issue. But every time I do want to resolve an issue, I’m “arguing.” I do not raise my voice, or say anything that could be took in the wrong way. But with her, somehow she twists my words to whatever she’d like. Then will mock me or laugh when I am trying to state how I feel. And follow that by the silent treatment and stonewall me.

This living arrangement just seems impossible. Thanks for your reply!! 💕

[Hidden in reply to Ubud2021]

Just saying okay didn't work in the beginning..we fought..but she's aging and I want peace. I hope it gets better. ♥️☺️

[Sunnidayz1]

How about you give yourself some credit and leave yourself alone. Yes. Sometimes we set too much of a high expectation for ourselves and if we dont achieve that we get more depressed. How about the fact that ths is a very stressful time right now? It is! Staying inside with the ones we love for long periods of time is not normal for any of us. Take a step back. You are only human. Self care is one of the best things to do to feel relaxed and positive. Exercise, read, go into nature, vent to supportive friends, do yoga, meditate, or pray..these things will help lift your mood and also help you see it's stress it's nothing more than that-give yourself a break. Take a step back-u r only human.

[san_ray70 in reply to Sunnidayz1]

My daughter suffers from depression, I long for the day she will want to talk to me. It has been 12 years since we spoke. I try I send letters, messages on face book to my grandaughter to try to see how they are. My mum her grandmother and great grandmother died recently, she still did not contact me. Please be kind to yourself, make this time with your mum and nan better. I could not live with my mum after I married, but it did not mean I did not love her. We were just too much alike, she wound me up all the time.

[Ubud2021 in reply to san_ray70]

Oh man. I am so sorry this is happening. That must be an incredibly hard thing for you. What is there motive for not talking to you?? That’s just so sad.

I do try to make things better with my mom. Today I tried again, turning out to be bad. It’s as if she gets mad at me as soon as I open my mouth. I genuinely try to resolve this issue. I use great communication skills. Always use “I feel” statements. But today she started chuckling at me after I was starting to say an “I feel” statement, and shook her head. My feelings always seem to be invalid. Then I get mocked, and get the silent treatment. It’s sucks.

And you are very correct! After all this, it does not mean that I don’t love her. It’s that I am processing my anger issues from my mom, and trying to effectively communicate at the same time. And it’s not easy.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you have a wonderful day 💕

[Ubud2021 in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Hello there

Thanks for your reply.

As I do agree that I need to give myself more credit, and I do agree that this is a very stressful time making people’s minds act in very different ways, but that isn’t all that’s happening.

I’ve dealt with a mom who has always wanted to put all these labels on me. (Still does.) She has always put me in this certain type of “box” of her liking, that she thinks of me as. She was a very emotionally distant mother. Which for years now, I’ve been trying to work through. It is a known fact, that usually around your 30s is when all this anger sets in that you have for this mother that you’ve never knew you had. But for me, I’m very aware of my feelings, and have been so angry at her for years.

As I do things to distract myself, read, audiobooks, yoga, meditation and so on, and things for my physical self, it just doesn’t seem to be enough.

Thank you for the tips though.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Ubud2021]

I hear you and I feel your pain bc I had a mom who didnt give me the emotional support I needed. I healed from it and have forgoven her. You are 100% allowed to feel how you feel. She is not present and I understand that. Please do not let this ruin you. As kids we desperately want our parents to love us but some parents cant or wont & we dont have control over their actions.

My advice is to protect yourself. Please set healthy boundaries. Boundaries that are helpful and incorporate more emotional support in your life.

From what I hear your mom cant give you what you need, it's either she goes into therapy and changes OR you have to cope & deal on your own.

PM if I can be of anymore help.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Sunnidayz1]

You’re completely right. Thank you so much 💕

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Ubud2021]

You can change your life! Be good to yourself. Easier said than done. I know!

[Hidden]

Please please please forgive me but Ur posting helps me as I can relate and that does help. Please forgive a tiny thought

Lots of people in nursing homes forgotten. Making cards for others pretty much forgotten may give a person something positive to do and life ones spirits etcetc u can deduce the rest And or music or audio books or planting trees in someone’s name or trying to make the work more beUtiful or small projects

Of course easy for me to say

Esy fir me to say

Easy fir me to say

Easy fir me to say but I like making things Even cartoons or cookies for a neighbor or crafts Positive distractions that get me forward again

Of course

That’s. Just me

However

Please know everyone here is super suii I rt caring and we all can relate versus

U know those purists which I am not

A pet also. I can let them love them all I want or even Soory to say

Stuffed animals I love despite being my age and make. Ya I know a tough guy but hey they are great listeners and not rejecting band I can donate them to nerdy scared kids too Makes me feel better

That’s me of course

No pressure or obligation just tLking

As we all feel for u

Take care

All the ladies here send a long group real

Real hug.

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Haha I love this post.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me! Music and audiobooks are my vices! 😉

I’ve never planted a tree in anyone’s name before. Or a tree at all for that matter. That seems like a fun idea!!

Also, I do have the cutest kitty in the world with me at this time. I adopted her from a shelter about 6 or 7 years ago. I give her lots of love, and I even talk to her. It’s funny when she give me the “girl you crazy” look.

That is so cool you make stuffed animals!!! You should post some pictures of some!

Thanks so much for this reply.

Real hug back.

[Hidden in reply to Ubud2021]

Miss

It breaks our hearts to see people suffer esp of yur age

Listen to dolphin 14 and many others

Soooo genuinely caring

Trust me

U have adopted family in them

For really

They care about u more than I can ever say. I just learn from them

Pleae

Know they care about u genuinely

They never play games or trickery

[Hidden]

Thk u fir being offended by suggestions that’s all they are Sure u have lots

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Hello there (:

Thanks for replying and telling me to stay open to suggestions.

This reply is somehow maybe not getting through to me the right way?

Are you saying that I got offended by someone suggestion?

[Hidden]

Please reread yur response. Do u not hear yur kindness

Lots of people out there nedd u

Not personal of course so ikerp my didtNce tesprcfjlly. Lots of caring prople here lots

I

Learned from

Them tend net what u can do not what critics harp on

[Hidden]

In memory of dolphin art faux Mary and many others

[Hidden]

Nice of u to take it well or not laugh at an old man. See how it goes both ways ??

Listen to dolphin and others

[Hidden]

No u did not get offended by suggestions. That’s the point a very good sign of maturity and coschsbikty not everyone is thatvwY. Bravo

[Hidden]

Can plant trees in nTuonsl parks see google

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Haha okay! I think I need some more coffee lol

I will definitely have to look this tree planting thing up. I’m one of them tree huggers. So it would be fun for me!

Thanks! Have a beautiful day!

[Hidden]

Very. Kind to not get defensive as some do

Yes the trees honor people and make one feel

One is helping the earth fir generations to come Living memorials to special people

Take care and always be safe. Know ur safe houses and locations such as the library

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

I feel the people that get very easy offended, don’t think much in other, healthier ways. Or may just be very lonely, or are abused. Ya never know.

And thank you so much!! You take care as well 💕

[Hidden]

Always be safe.

Pleeeeze

[Linguini]

It sounds like somehow the idea that you're not good at conveying your emotions has gotten stuck in your head. It may have something to do with things you were told as a child or by your mother. Either way its worth it to look into why you compulsively recheck yourself. I can only Imagine that the compulsive urges can keep you from letting out your feelings in a healthy way that allows you to feel the way you need to feel so that you can understand your anger & get it out of your system.