I blame my parents

[jolivz]

far to often i find myself complaining about a lot of things. Mostly about the stuff i dont have, like the nice new phone, car, an apartment, or fancy clothes. My primary, and go to excuse is my parents suck! my parents got a divorce when i was younger around 10 years old. I remember them fighting and sometimes me and my siblings got hit, but not a lot. I cant say physically abused but emotionally i have been through the ringer. My mom is crazy flat out, and my dads to stubborn to lose any argument ever, even when hes blatantly wrong. I want to blame them for a lot of my mess ups and i know that thats just not healthy. I have so much resentment towards them and i think this makes me un grateful. I carry this spite for my own family and its just something that looms over me like a rainy cloud following me. i was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to blossom when you are surrounded by negative and mentally abusive people. right now im living with my mom and step dad. my step dad is a lunatic and as soon as hes alone with my mom he treats her like garbage. I dont like leaving the house cause hes constantly combative and uneasy. My dad lives in a garage. Its like an apartment but still not the most sanitary of conditions. I cant live with him its not an option and iv tried to get a single room im to unstable right now in my life to move out on my own without financial support. when i get into fights with my parents they dangle my age over my head like im some man child who barley deserves the light of day. sometimes im just so fed up i can barley look at them im just so done with their toxic lifestyle and want nothing to do with it. I wish i could just cut them out but i have no choice

[hypercat54]

Oh dear this doesn't sound like a healthy lifestyle for any of you. My only advice, since you have to live with them, is to make your peace as much as possible, avoid arguments and keep yourself as detached as possible both physically and mentally.

Plan for the time you can escape from them. You will also find out how expensive everything is and how difficult it is to make a living let alone provide a family with lots of material goods. Hopefully you will feel less resentment towards your family on that score then. x

[jolivz in reply to hypercat54]

currently planning the escape

[Marz21]

Hi, gosh, sounds like you're feeling trapped which isn't going to help in blossoming! Have you any friends who you could think about sharing with for even just a temporary period, you may discover it improves how you feel to be semi independent which could then boost you enough to get into study or a type of work you could enjoy too? My younger brother shared flats for years while studying/working and had a very cheeky routine to dine at different houses (mum, mine, different friends) most nights of the week to save him money/cooking for himself! Genius kid brother, now hooked up in a great job with nice little apartment in London.

I kinda think maybe a chat with your doctor about your feelings following divorce in your family and the dynamics of managing with the results could also really help you.

[jolivz in reply to Marz21]

i dont have any friends that would take me in :/

[Marz21 in reply to jolivz]

I would get in touch with your local authority to talk to housing assistance or perhaps even a social worker about your situation. Keep in touch x

[mhunnell19]

I know what that feeling is all to well. My mother hated me and my father was never around. For me, I moved in with a new relative. Idk if that’s an option for you, or even if you could find somewhere to stay for a while.

If it’s bad enough, I’d report it somewhere (assuming you’re under 18). It can be a scary thought, but it’ll be better than being in a nasty environment. That can mess someone up.

Anyway, I hope it gets better!

[jolivz in reply to mhunnell19]

my only relatives near by are my grandparents and they live in senior living

[EmLee96]

just because you don't have nice new things does not mean your parents suck... however from your description of them they do sound to not be the best of parents. However, even if they were good parents you are not entitled to everything that you want. that is something that you can work for and make money to buy.

your childhood experiences to greatly influence your mental state later on. as you mature and are able to process exactly what happened to you, a lot of people actually develop mental illnesses due to their experiences. and because children rely so heavily on their parents, how their parents treated them is usually the root of the problem. if you feel like they are holding you back from life, begin to take steps to free yourself from them as much as you can. create your own living space in your room- get a job so you can begin to buy your own things that you could take with you when you could move out. distance yourself from them if they are really being harsh and mean to you because no one needs that kind of verbal abuse in their life.

you might look into calling the police on your stepfather. if he is abusing your mother, that is against the law. domestic violence is not something to take lightly. there are also a lot of welfare programs that you could look into to help supplement your income if you do want to move out.

[jolivz in reply to EmLee96]

this very good advice i just could not bring my self to call the police on my family over verbal abuse if he ever hit her id kill him the police have been to my house to many times at this point its the boy who cried wolf

[Betty30]

If you have a school counselor/therapist...please get in touch with them and make appts. One of the first things you will have to learn to do is stop blaming your parents. That is providing you with a crutch (excuse) in preventing you to look for ways that your life CAN work for you. I am not saying its easy....many people have been in similar positions to yours... and sometimes it can be rough... BUT... there are ways to make things better for you....but I truly believe you need to speak with a therapist... you DESERVE help, you know...and the kind that only a professional can give to you. Best wishes to you.

[jolivz in reply to Betty30]

im not in school i mentioned my age in another post but im 21 i stopped seeing my therapist i couldnt my depression was crippling

[Betty30 in reply to jolivz]

Oh dear, so you can't leave the house--is that it? Do you feel this therapist was helping you when you did visit with him/her? Have you told him/her that you are having difficulty in coming to see him? Maybe call your therapist and ask for a few minutes to speak to him on the phone... You have got SOME spunk!--otherwise you wouldn't even be writing on this forum...and that is a really good sign!! This means you DO want to 'get well.' Please don't say 'can't' to yourself about being unable to see the therapist...you really need this... and you CAN do it. I really have a feeling you have the 'right stuff' in you, jolivz!! Take good care!

[Want2BHappy3]

Where is how old are you? If you're of age? We all have choices... You not going to change your situation if they don't want too? you're going to have to tightened up the bootlaces and figure it out on your own. Hate to say, find some friends that would help you out for the meantime good luck to you

[Concernedparent23]

My heart goes out to you jolivz.

You have certainly had a rough time and some major obstacles to deal with.

But you've had the sense and courage to post on here and I can hear that something in you wants to change and overcome your past. I believe in your inner strength. I believe in you.

You don't need to be defined by the mistakes you made in the past, and you definitely don't need to let your future be blighted by your parents' problems.

I went through a tough time time with my parents - a long time ago now. At the time of thier messy separation a teacher noticed my grades dipping. I confided in her and 30 years on I still remember her saying "they may be making a mess of their lives but that don't let their problems mess yours up too".

It gave me a kind of "permission" to not be weighed down by the situation around me. Nothing actually changed about my situation except the way I looked at it and that someone believed in me.

None of this is easy, and a lot of it isn't fair. But no one promised life would be fair. Try not to compare your situation and what you have or haven't got with others. Focus on what you do have - and you do have a great spark within you that wants to change.

In your other posts you mentioned about some mistakes you made. We've all made mistakes, no one is perfect. What makes a difference is how you deal with them.

You have a great opportunity here to learn from them, pick yourself up and ultimately become a much stronger than you might have been if you hadn't been tested in this way.

You mentioned using drugs as a coping mechanism. Can I suggest some kind of exercise instead? It's cheaper and will pay dividends in future.

My yoga teacher had a wild youth , including substance abuse and a drug related accident which resulted in broken vertebrae and pelvis. He was told he would be in a wheelchair by his mid 30s. He wasn't prepared to take that, he found yoga and it was the making of him. 20 years on he is clean and fulfilled. He's never going to be rich but he measures his success by how he helps people through his yoga teaching. And he's definitely not in a wheelchair.

Yoga would be great for you physically and mentally but really any exercise would be good. Get your brothers involved if you can - you can support one another and it might help them too.

Start feeling better about yourself today by doing a small chore around the house.

Every day things like the laundry or the dishes - if you already do these then pick up another chore.

Keep doing it. Every day.

It will make you feel like you've achieved something and take a load of your parents. And it may help distract you from negative thoughts or impulses.

If you feel able, fix something that needs fixing - check YouTube on how to do it. This will build your skillls and self reliance.

It will prove to you parents and yourself that you're becoming an adult and leaving the "man-child" behind.

I wish you hope, and the strength to get through the days when you're feeling hopeless.

I believe in you jolivz

[bingoluvr15]

i dont think i have read anything so relatable