New here & looking for non-judgemental support from people.

[LittleHouseLaura]

New here & just had a meltdown over an episode of Little House on the Prairie. Been struggling with anxiety/depression most of my life but only really understood what I've been fighting the last few years. Loving husband of 26 years but he has his own issues & supporting each other is rough at times. I can't tell him a lot of what's in me & I know he doesn't want to hear it. I feel like I'm whining when I vent to my support systems these days & I'm feeling like they're tired of it.

Mom died in March 2019 after a year of watching her die of lung cancer. So much anger & resentment, so many childhood traumas & buried came up, so many feelings all the time & no where to let them out.

I am 48 & my once active, strong body has been letting me down for almost 10 years now. I used to be able to use exercise to vent but I can't be as active as I need.

I'm not at all religious & most help seems to start there & it won't work with me.

Basically I'm just venting & babbling & because I crave external validation due to childhood trauma I need feedback that I'm not awful and I'm not worthless and I'm not a disappointment as a daughter & sister and I do care about people other than myself.

[Kat_21]

You are not worthless.

It seems tough right now but it does get better. I'm pretty young so I don't have nearly as much experience on this world as you, but in my opinion, forgiveness it a good first step. Things happened, but those things lead you to being married, and being who you are now.

And meditation helps me clear my head. Maybe try that? If you need to vent, I'm here for you.

[LittleHouseLaura in reply to Kat_21]

It does get better, you're right. It also gets worse again. I know it'll get better but getting through bad gets harder & harder & I look for new ways to "snap out of it." Meditation used to work great but I can't focus right now for it to work.

Thanks for the reply

[Kat_21 in reply to LittleHouseLaura]

You have to experience the bad to appreciate the good though.

[Hidden]

Hi LittleHouseLaura,

Welcome. This is my first day here too so we are both newbies.

You will never be seen as babbling or whining here. I'm a newbie and just from my 1 post this morning people are very empathic to people's situations...

My condolences about your mom's passing. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what that was like for you to go through having brought to surface childhood trauma. You do have a lot going on for sure and people it seems are always here...I keep getting responses to my post and I feel grateful.

Here is the place to get the support you need to begin to become more functional. Depression certainly zaps our energy.

May I ask if you and your husband have separate Therapist's to talk to? Do you take medication?

I am going to suggest a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" relating to your mom's passing as grieving can take as long as it does. It's different with all of us. It's a wonderful book I've used and it's not only for grief of death..it's for any loss..as in Childhood trauma that could take away some of your childhood happy memories..

Getting active again sounds like it's a priority as it helped you so much. I've seen meditation videos to help you get grounded on YouTube. I would definitely suggest having quality time with your husband whether it be a walk, watching a movie or playing a game. You don't have to bring up your issues if you don't feel comfortable.

I would also suggest therapy on seperate basis so you can work on your seperate issues.

You definitely can get your energy back as it was a priority in helping you in the past. Talk to a Therapist and maybe think about medication. Try the meditation apps on YouTube also.

Sending Healing thoughts your way..I'm always here. ⚓

[LittleHouseLaura in reply to Hidden]

Most of the issue is my husband & I have been unemployed, no insurance. I was primary income so he can’t get UE. I hadn’t applied since I technically quit my job in March because employers weren’t going to follow safety procedures. Long involves story but I never pushed because I didn’t want the biz to get in trouble. They had kids & I had savings & thought I’d get another job by now.

So, no insurance, no therapy, no meds. I was starting cog behav therapy & was on anti anxiety in March. Then Covid. The valleys just keep coming faster & faster & I can’t breath in between.

Applied for unemployment this week & also aid for therapy. The healthcare here sends me into a spiral of anxiety & anger, especially when I realize I have it better then so many, so of course I stop the application or phone calls.

Thanks for the support & advise & I hope you find what you need here also.

[Hidden in reply to LittleHouseLaura]

You are in the USA and had a good reason to quit as they were not following policy safety procedure. Be sure to make that very clear filling out your form.

[Anonymous798]

Hi, I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It sounds awful. I understand what your going through. I had to slowly watch a lot of important family members slowly die. Or they passed away quickly after an accident. And watch some other tragic things during childhood. What you are going through is really hard. Just remember that your feelings are 100% valid and you are not an awful person in any way at all. You are not annoying or self centred when you vent. I felt the same way to and occasionally still do if I’m honest. But what we are going through and what happened is not our fault. The trauma you experienced wasn’t in any way your fault neither was the passing of your relatives. Mental illness is not a choice or something that can be controlled so we don’t have to feel guilty about it. (I know sometimes I do but I try not to.) I’m so proud of you for venting and speaking up. It takes a lot of courage to do. If I experienced what you’ve experienced I would definitely feel the same way because it’s difficult. You are so strong for pushing through and seeking support. I am here for you if you need to talk. I hope that everything gets better. Have an amazing day

[LittleHouseLaura in reply to Anonymous798]

Thank you. I’m sure it’ll get better it’s just getting through the bad parts that’s hard. It helps when others understand

[Ilovepugs123]

I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time right now, I highly recommend that you see a therapist they can help you with anything, I am in therapy for my anxiety, my depression and my trauma I been through in my life too. Therapy helps me a lot and I can see it helping you too. If you ever need anyone to talk too, you can always message me on this website and I can try my best to help you as much as i can.

[LittleHouseLaura in reply to Ilovepugs123]

I was, lost my job & insurance. Still job hunting.

[Ilovepugs123 in reply to LittleHouseLaura]

I'm sorry to hear that, Im job hunting too its very hard.

[LittleHouseLaura in reply to Ilovepugs123]

Good luck to you! 💜

[Ilovepugs123 in reply to LittleHouseLaura]

Good luck to you too

[Golden777]

I think sometimes we need to say out loud what's bothering us, just to get it out. When you finally realize that something feels off inside of you after years of not dealing with it or talking about it, the best thing you can do is to get it out whether it be talking to a someone you feel comfortable with, writing it out on paper or online, or even saying to your self, whatever is bothering you just get it out. You're not worthless or a disappointment for wanting to feel better. Helping yourself feel better mentally so you can live your life is what your supposed to do, your on the right path. You have have to take care of yourself in every way, so that you can care for the ones you love.

[SuZQ154]

Venting and babbling are good In order to deal with our feelings, we need to "feel" them and identify them. yet I sense you have a strong sense of who you are. That is wonderful!

My feelings are not always the truth about ME. SO ...sometimes I have to allow my faith and the Lord to tell me... You are worthy! You are kind! You are compassionate! And I am forgiven. It helps me to get through those hard times. I know you said you are not religious, so this may not make sense to you or settle well with you, but truly my faith is sometimes the only thing I can cling to that I know will not hurt me. It is my safe place.

Glad you are here and posting! Let's support each other!

[jocorod]

Hi,

I also suffer from anxiety and i don’t tell my wife everything I feel because I know ima look or sound like a crazy Man. I try to stay calm and positive most of the time some days is hard to do so because of the anxiety attacks I hate not beeing able to be happy and drive to the store because of this disorder. I know is hard for people without anxiety to understand us! Anyways I hope you feel better .

[Troop-A-Doop2025]

First, I feel as though anyone who made it out of childhood issues is a very special, and strong, individual. Second, I relate so hard to the not being able to use your outlet you once had. Used to play in soccer leagues, until I sustained an injury that didn't allow me to play anymore. What you are going through is shared with many. Coming from an 18 year old girl that just came from a not-so-healthy relationship with family, I had to find stable support. I have so much respect for you, as you clearly are a fighter and a survivor. You are not worthless, nor are you a disappointment.