I Feel Trapped and Miserable

[Madysen019]

Yesterday was an awful day that has lead me to this dilemma. I have trouble controlling my feelings especially when it comes to anger. When this happens I tend to go on random rants about various things that upset me. I am the oldest of 5 and have a 15 y/o brother. I feel like my parents have always favored him and seen him as better than me. Quarterback of the football team ever since he was 8, good grades, social, lots of friends, liked by everyone and their parents . I on and off played sports, struggled in school because of my mental health, wasnt very social in general. They swear they never compare us but they do. They did yesterday. As I was going on my tangent, my mom got in my face and started yelling back and so I pushed her and told her not to do that because it was only making me more upset. She did again. And again. I pushed her again. This time my brother went off. He started screaming at me and chased me and pushed me to the ground and started to hit and kick me and when I got up to run he did it again. So I defended myself with one closed eyes swing I hit him in the jaw. Not hard but enough. He still wouldn’t back down. He threw me into a plastic basketball hoop and into the couch like a rag doll. I was screaming and crying. My parents didn’t do a thing. After he walked away my dad said I “had it coming”. Mean while they also allowed him to call me a “psycho”. But I tell him to mind his businesses and shut up but OH NO NO that is NOT OKAY. My mom then “contained” me in the room I had just got beaten up in. I was filled with rage. I just wanted to go to my room and cry myself to sleep. I told her this and she said I wasn’t allowed to. I tried going past her but she pushed me every time. I was persistent. She finally smacked my across the face and screamed at me that she was in charge. I just wanted to go to my room. That was all. She said she had enough of me and that I was leaving. No options. Well they gave me two. Either get arrested for “assault and battery against a minor” (my brother) or go to live with my grandparents in New York. I have a job back home, my boyfriend, the life I was building for myself. Now I’m stuck up in the middle of no where. My dad said he’s not speaking to me for 5 years. He said if I go on his property I’ll be arrested for trespassing. I have to go home for my boyfriends graduation and his senior project presentation. I’d have to stay with him though and he’s leaving in July for a 2 week trip in Ecuador. I feel hopeless and lost and like nothing will get better. Help. Please.

[hypercat54]

What a terrible scene and no wonder you are so upset. I think if you do the following (wait until you are a bit calmer) 1. Apologise for pushing your mother and 2. Promise you won't do it again 3. You tell them you will seek help for your anger. I know this will be very hard but it's one way to prove to your family that you are an adult and they will be impressed.

Maybe your parents and your brother saw what you did as hitting your mother as it can be hard to distinguish between this and a push. This isn't excusing what he did to you but he might have seen it as defending your parents against you.

Again when you are calmer maybe also mention what you feel is the source of your tangents so she will understand. It does sound like you caught your mum on a very bad day for her and she went off on a tangent of her own which got way out of hand.

This may sound like I am blaming you but I'm not. It just got out of hand that's all. I had similar things happen in my home but there was never any physical violence only emotional and my mother had a wicked tongue...

Take heart and keep your head down for a while and it will calm down once the heat of anger and emotions have cooled. x

[Madysen019 in reply to hypercat54]

I appreciate your advice very much. I am doing my best to try to stay positive today. Took some stress vitamins that have helped. I am seeking a psychiatrist in the area I’m in to help with meds.

[hypercat54 in reply to Madysen019]

And therapy I hope? Meds can help you feel a bit better and more able to tackle your issues through counselling.

Once your parents see you doing this they will know you are taking it seriously. What about your other siblings? Do they feel the same as you about your brother? Take care, x

[Madysen019 in reply to hypercat54]

They are a lot younger. 9,3 and 1. They just know we don’t get along.

[hypercat54]

Maybe that's partly the reason why your mum was so upset? When I was 19 I took an overdose and my mother asked me to leave home as it was setting a bad example to my younger 2 sisters. I ended up in a tiny bedsit! x

[itsKarma]

Oh my dear...my heart is breaking for you!!! I understand how you are feeling more than you could possibly know!!! I have been there and its awful. I am a grown woman now but when I was a teenager I had similar issues. I know that rage and I know that total desperation to just want to escape and be alone. My Mum would also not allow me my escape and I too, would physically lash out. I was never trying to hurt anyone...I just wanted to be left the f**k alone...be allowed to go and cry myself to sleep.

I wish I had some magical advice to help, I really do. All I can tell you sweet girl is don't give up on yourself....don't give up on your parents (they don't understand...when you feel the rage try and remember they don't know what to do to help and just as you are frustrated, they are too - and yes, I know this is HARD), and remember this WILL pass. I promise you, you will NOT feel this way forever. I got lost in years and years of depression...being suicidal and in and out of hospitals most of my twenties....thinking it was me that needed to be fixed. The situation needs to be fixed...not you. YOU need healing.

I hope that you are able to get some help...someone to help you navigate this path. Just because its an awful lot to deal with on one's own. Whatever is making you so angry needs to be dealt with. I am still trying to deal with my rage because I spent most of my life running from it. Please don't make the same mistake as me. You may (probaby do!) have good reason to be angry...just don't let it poison you...use it as a tool to uncover your truths...and deal with them. Its the only way.

And talk. Talk talk talk to someone. Or write. If you can't talk to anyone, write it down. It's awesome that you posted here....if you need anyone to talk/write to, ever...I am here

[Madysen019 in reply to itsKarma]

My dad is still here at my grandparents and won’t say a word to me. He just looks at me from across the room like I’m biggest inconvenience in his life. We’ve always had problems. No matter how hard I try, it’s not enough for him to see how hard I work to improve myself. I’ve always done it for everyone else to try to make their lives easier. No matter what I do, no matter how happy I try to be, it always backfires. I don’t know what to do at this point. For myself or anyone else. I feel like all there is is nothing but failure in my life.......

[Madysen019 in reply to itsKarma]

Update: I am extremely frustrated. I talked to my mom today about possibly going back home in a few weeks. She said it’s just not going to happen and if I wanted to live in my home state I’d have to figure it out on my own. They said that as long as I paid my car insurance I could have it. I have a job. There is a program for teens that can live in transitional living apartments for as low as 200 a month. That covers rent and utilities. I could make enough to pay for all my things. I have to be accepted however and if I’m not I’m stuck up here until I can get in. I’m frustrated because the lady won’t be in until tomorrow morning. I just want to move into there and go to work and be on my own. I want to be able to see my boyfriend. I feel so stuck and annoyed. I can feel my anxiety building like crazy. Ugh. Help.

[itsKarma]

i don't think it works when we try and change 'for' other people. It also doesn't work to try and change other people. I think maybe the best we can do is take a good long hard look (perhaps with help?) at our own stuff. Notice what is and isn't working for us...accept it (without blame and resentment)...and make adjustments if necessary. And we need to make those changes because it is better for us not to please everyone else...and everyone around us will ultimately benefit. I know, easier said than done.

What is the situation like at grandparents? Do you get along with your grandparents? How far from your parents house? How close to graduation are you? What were your plans prior to this for after graduation? Do you think you could use a break from your parents house for a bit? I ultimately was hospitalized at 16 (basically a youth psych hospital) for about 3 months but to be honest, by that point I almost welcomed the break (although clearly not my 1st choice! lol)

I doubt you will be able to believe it but I promise you that who you are as a person and the circumstances of your life now in no way have to determine your future. What you do each day, each week, each year...all those decisions we are forced to make all of the time determine our future. Everything we do and don't do in our lives alters the trajectory of our lives...think `butterfly effect'. So yes it feels bad, even horrid right now. It absolutely can change (((hugs))).

[Madysen019]

My grandparents and I get along fine. This is the first time I’ve seen them in a year. I graduated high school in 2017. I went to college but had to drop out because I got really sick mentally and physically. I am waiting to hear from a college I applied to. Right now I’m 6 hours from home and my boyfriend. I have a job where I can make good money back home and was supposed to be saving to go halfsies on a car with my parents. I feel like shopping me off away from my support net and the one thing I enjoyed (my job) is just short sighted and out of discomfort. I don’t know what to do right now or how to stop the overwhelming anxiety or panic attacks.