I FEEL LOST. . .

[angelonfire]

hi guys, i've posted here before when I felt really down and it really helped to hear kind words from people who have experienced the same feelings or at least know what it's like to struggle with mental health disorders. I'm twenty and recently lost my mother from an accidental overdose in October. She was truly my best friend and tonight i'm having one of those nights that I have where I just can't seem to shake the feeling of missing her incredibly. I don't know what else to say other than I miss her. I miss her everyday and have been distracting myself, training my mind to only think positive things when I start to feel sad about her death. Tonight i'm just not succeeding. I just want my mom and I cannot have her and that is very frustrating and painful to say the least. I miss her so much and knowing that I can never fill that void is really taking a toll on me. I've found myself feeling alone and like I have no one to talk to anymore, no one understands me, my depression, or what it feels like losing someone who is so dear to you. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like my life is going to be constant torture living without her. I just can't fathom a lifetime of never seeing or hearing her again. I am really struggling and am holding all my feelings in most of the time because my current boyfriend is a real insensitive piece of crap. I spiraled down the darkest hole of depression I have ever experienced the first three months of her death and he was not supportive at all. He has constantly invalidated my feelings, told me to get over it, and basically has just beaten me down to the point where I feel worthless and as if my feelings and my mental health issues are a huge burden and wrong of me to feel. He looked me in my face and basically told me he didn't want to be with me anymore because I am in a bad spot right now. When I was thriving and had money, he was completely different, and treated me as if I were the best thing on this Earth. When my mom died and I lost my job due to the fact she was my employer, he switched his entire attitude towards me. Without the job and money, I basically became useless to him and my depression became a huge cause of arguments. He hasn't tried one damn thing to help further educate himself on depression to help me in this time, all he's really done is made me feel like shit, kicked me when I was down, and had me convinced no one would ever love me because of my mental illness. I was in such a bad place when he did this to me that I was on the verge of suicide. I was already very very very close to that point and he knew this and still said all of those things and proceeded to leave me. Because of how low I was, I BEGGED him to take me back, in which he did, I got a job that same day, and now I am feeling more stable as I try to get back into as normal of a life I can have after losing my mom and now that my emotions aren't clouding me, I am wishing I would have just let him leave me. I feel so beaten down, drained, and my self esteem which was already very low is even lower. My therapist has been out for almost two months due to severe illness, and i'm just having an overall hard time. I hate living at my nana's because I was abused in that house, and my uncle who is extremely triggering for me lives there. I feel as if living there is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone, because I am not supposed to be living there. I want so badly for things to be the way they were before my mom died. I miss her so much and would do anything to bring her back. There's so much more but even writing this is exhausting and I don't even know how to put so much into a condensed post.

[Sandia]

I’m so sorry about your moms passing angelonfire. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now, just know that you are not alone, my mother is still here but one of my best friends past away 4 years ago accidentally and I know that was one of the rose days of my life. I don’t think it ever gets easier, you just learn to keep moving because life keeps going and all I can say is that she is still with you in spirit.

[b1b1b1]

As you settle into your new job you will have more money and will be able to get your own place to live. Then you can get rid of your boyfriend. He is emotionally abusive to you and you deserve much better. Also, your psychiatrist will be back soon. If not, you might want to look for a new one as it seems that you could use the help at this time in your life. One lucky thing is that you have found out what your boyfriend is really like. I am so sorry about your Mom. It is a huge loss.xx

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I was a daddy’s girl and lost my daddy Christmas Day 20 years ago. I can tell you I felt very lost. It is the worst pain. I won’t say time heals all wounds I was miserable Christmas Day. I will tell you the pain does lose some of its power over you and the bad days will slowly be less than the good days. My mom’s had a lot of problems and she is my soul. So I truly understand. My husband is an alcoholic. When we got together I was super skinny and 18 years younger. I had money. All was better. Since I have gained weight and become disabled due to injuries from a car accident. I suffer from severe chronic pain among other things. He has literally looked me in my eye and told me I need to suffer. That I’m pathetic. He’s drunk usually. Now he only comes home on weekends if that. I think that helps me stay. So again I understand. The way he treats you he is doing you a huge favor leaving. You need to focus on yourself and your healing instead of how low he will make you feel! I think it is hard for

People to understand things they don’t understand. Not trying to though is not right. You would be better off encouraging yourself and being alone. As scary as that may sound. I wish you could find another place to do it though. Talk to your mom. Allow her to be your guardian angel. You could write her letters as if she is on vacation so you can experience things with her. I strongly recommend that you get some grief counseling. I think it can help. If your counselor is gone there should be someone covering for her. If not you can call a crisis helpline. I went inpatient and it was one of the best things I’ve done for myself! The place, staff and patients were amazing. If was such a comforting environment to learn grow and heal in for me. I hope you can find that. It can also help you get out from where you are. They could help you find different accommodations as well. I hope you have that option and will consider that. I know your mom would want the best for you. Don’t die with her. Live for her! A mom’s biggest dream for her children is for their happiness and health. ❤️

[MKatic]

Losing parents makes u fell orphaned. So u kinda want to hang onto anything that u think is stable .even if it's not

[Hidden]

Hiya, so sorry to hear about the difficulties you have encountered. I read your previous post and what struck me was that, despite all the hardship, you are still moving forward and determined to improve your circumstances. You have an inner strength, which you may not recognise (?). I think in your heart you know what to do, and maybe you just need some reassurance and encouragement to do the right thing for yourself, to build that better life, which is waiting for you. Don't let the negative people in your life hold you back or drag you down. You can and will rise above them and have a fantastic and successful future. Be kind to yourself and take care,

[Hidden]

I understand you! I lost my mom 29 years ago, I was 30, 6 weeks away from giving birth to my 3rd child. I didn't want to live, how could i without her? Yet here I am all these years later , still here. I miss her to this day just as much, the days do become easier, yet when they hit , they hit hard! As for your boyfriend , and forgive me, I'd drop him like a hot potato! I'm sorry your living with the uncle, I had the same thing happen to me when I was young by 3 different people, understand it wasn't you that asked for that! One day they will answer & I sure wouldn't want to be them! I'm sending you love, peace and joy! Hang in there. If you need to talk i promise I'm here for you! Wishing you the best! XXX

[localgrandma]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish there was something I could say to make things easier but I don't think there is. As you said, you got the job...hopefully you could get a new place for yourself as well. I do miss my mom even she's still here and I believe mothers are irreplaceable so I do understand why do you feel that way. I think you are a strong woman yourself because what you've gone through with your abusive boyfriend is horrible. I, myself would never call him boyfriend. He's supposed to be supportive and BE THERE for you but he did take advantage of your mental health and abuse you. I hope you are not seeing him anymore because he just gives you nothing but stress. I hope you still have some people who genuinely cares and love you.

Sending my hugs xx

Bianca