Living in terror

[Lilybells]

Finally feel brave enough to share my story, I’ve been reading so much on here but haven’t had the energy or strength to communicate with anyone.

I’ve always been a super anxious person ,always worrying about everything, but especially about my children , and especially regarding their health. I’ve always panicked and overreacted to every small ailment. I’m so close to my boys , I’ve barely done anything without them , they are my life .But in February, my biggest fear came to true , my precious son was diagnosed with a brain tumor, (I still can’t believe I’m saying these words) I have been in shock ever since, I live in a constant state of fear and absolute terror. My son has since had surgery and had the tumor removed and had treatment to prevent it coming back . He’s back at work , although he still wears a hat to hide his hair loss, but I cannot move on, I’m absolutely convinced that it will come back and kill him , I wake up every morning with the deepest feeling of utter dread and terror, I cannot explain the feeling, I want to die to avoid the pain . The only source of comfort that I have is that my fear could just be my crazy anxious mind , and actually he could be ok. But I’m not convinced.

I’ve seen a therapist but she hasn’t really helped , I’m seeing a new psychiatrist on Monday , and I’m praying that he can help me to believe that maybe my son may be alright. I feel like I’ve let my son down, because I’ve gone from a controlling (not in bad way) totally involved mother, to not even been able to go to a doctors appointment with him , as I’m so terrified and cannot bear to hear anything bad .

I have intrusive thought all day , about his funeral, about him dying , I’m living in hell, and can’t take much more of it. I try not to show any of this to my family, but they know my personality, they know I’ve had anxiety forever, and they try to encourage me , but I’m convinced, and it’s so real .

Please tell me this is all my anxiety and that there is a chance it may never return. Doctors don’t say much , there’s no reassurance from them .

If anything happens to him , I will not survive but I have another son .

[sweetiepye]

I was also a very attached Mother and I had a huge anxiety disorder many years ago. My major fear was that I would die and who would end up raising my children ? I knew no one would love and care for them as well as I could. As it turned out , no one had to and I ruined much of my life by obsessivly worrying. Your situation is potentially dire, but worrying about it will ruin your life and won't change anything. I know you are aware of that.You can learn to live in the moment, the right now. Swallow those fears. I imagine that goes against everything you've been taught , but you would probably be fine doing it for someone you love so much.You could try taking your feelings out of the equation and putting your son formost.You have no reason to doubt that he will recover ? Assume he will be well, enjoy him, you will lose nothing. Waste your time worrying about what time he has left and you've already lost him. I won't pretend this will be easy, it won't. You have a chance here to do something for your boy that no one else can do. Try some meditation and look for inner peace. Much love to you, I wish it were different. Pam

[Lilybells in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you so much for replying , yes I know all of what you say is true , and I’m trying so hard , getting therapy and reading self help books , but I still can’t lose the terror. But you’re right about already losing him if I continue to feel like this . Thank you and I will try harder x

[sweetiepye in reply to Lilybells]

I am truly sorry this is happening to you.

[Lilybells in reply to sweetiepye]

Thank you xx

[Saraia]

Dear Lilybells

First and foremost, you are being extremely brave. It is one of the hardest things in the world to see something happen to your child. In my opinion, THE hardest thing. You are not doing so badly as you think you are. There isn't a single true parent out there who wouldn't worry about their kids getting a cut/ bruise let alone something as huge as this.

I cannot say what will happen in the future but, and I do not mean to be harsh, I just don't see any way around it, everyone will pass away at some point. That's the only guarantee we have. We don't know how or when, we just know we have a limited time in this world. It's something many can't accept for themselves, let alone others whom they care about. But not accepting may not make it go away.

I heard about someone worrying about pretty much the same thing, but the guy didn't pass due to his return of cancer, it was a vehicle accident.

As such, that which we cannot control, ...we aren't supposed to. We are supposed to leave it to God. And believe that nothing happens without a good reason. Maybe the reason in this case is for you to let go of trying to fix things, ...your human, and your family will not feel let down because you cannot control everything, because no-one can.

You are there for your kids, no matter what and they know they are loved and can turn to you. This is where you need to be strong. Stay around them. Let this be a reminder that you should spend time with each other whenever you can as our time on the earth is finite.

Let go of what you cannot control, and do what you can. If you think about it, your only regret so far is not attending the appointment. And not only is your boy fine but, he does not blame you (he never will), ...he loves and worries about you. ...as mother and son should. He's not alone when you are unable to be there, he has his brother. Its not all your responsibility, but a family responsibility. They are there to look after YOU as well.

The doctors can't make such statements, as they don't have the answers, no person does.

My own family member died due to cancer. She was very close, so although we struggled, we are still moving on and trying to live for the rest of the family. If you lose yourself when one person goes, When You lose one person, everyone else will lose 2. That is what you can't let happen. They need you. Don't let them lose you. Be strong and positive, and focus on the good and happy.

The doctors have said the tumour was successfully removed, and he responded well to the treatment, so focus on the good and positive. Don't waste your time of life on what ifs, ...Use it on What IS!

Think Positive! Do Good! And Be Well!

[Lilybells in reply to Saraia]

Thank you for your reply , but saying ‘everyone will pass away is one day ‘ is of no help or comfort to me , actually it’s a bit offensive. But thank you for taking the time to reply

[sweetiepye in reply to Lilybells]

That is exactly how I took that response insinuative at best.

[Saraia in reply to Lilybells]

I'm sorry I offended you. That was not my intention. I was only trying to get you to consider letting go of only being able to stop worrying when you get an answer no-one will give. About accepting things for what they are and moving on productively, with or without that reassurance.

I do hope you took more from my message then one sentence that you didn't appreciate and I do understand the insinuation you both have suggested. But I certainly didn't think like that. I meant it as an eventuality, not as an upcoming doom that you will have to face tomorrow. I'm sorry about that and I sincerely hope and pray that you all will lead long, fulfilling and healthy lives.

I do want you to be able to be calm, for you to be able to push those thoughts and fears away, but the only way to do it is by focussing on what you have and immersing yourself in what is and not what will be. What might not even happen. You can't be happy if you focus on what ifs. There are too many negative possibilities. If you change your mind set to the positive What if! Now that's an idea! And with that in mind, I will tell you a counter story that should lift your spirits.

I knew of someone who had cancer, had the operation and chemo, and was given the all clear. A few years later the cancer came back, and the doctors got all worried. But you know what happened. They survived it. And after the second operation, it never did come back! Doctors can say anything, but they cant tell the future, so that doesn't mean things will be bad. They didn't think the person would survive a second operation, but the person did.

Sorry again. I hope this message gives you better support.

Good luck

[Tbine]

Hello, it sounds like A.N.T.S to me. Automatic Negative Thoughts, and like ants they are quick and intrusive. These are a symptom of anxiety just like the physical one's, negative thoughts and scenarios are a product of anxiety and YOU have to keep telling yourself that. There is work you will HAVE TO DO because no medications out there will stop these thoughts from coming. Start denying their authenticity each and every time they enter your head by saying to your negative thought "that's not true" also don't allow yourself to give your thoughts, your attention. Learn to "catch yourself" each and every time you start daydreaming or drifting away in your negative thoughts or scenarios. It's going to take time to master this, but the reward is HUGE! To me, these negative thoughts had such a hold on me and my "belief" in them kept me a prisoner in my house for years as an agoraphobic person. I was just a teenager in the late 80's with no way to research this on google. That's why i suffered with the exact thing you are and i know exactly what it takes to beat this,. please believe that you will. You will have to be Persistent and vigilant when it comes to "noticing when your spending too much time with them"

[Lilybells in reply to Tbine]

Thank you so much , it’s reassuring to know that someone understands, and knows how real and distressing these thoughts can be . Thank you xx

[Tbine in reply to Lilybells]

Your very welcome. Remember, the key to stopping these intrusive thoughts is denying them your attention to them. Not by ignoring them, but by not giving them the attention that keeps them coming back more and more. Your attention to them is the fuel that keeps this viscous cycle going. When you first start practicing the denying of every negative thought it will be hard and require your conscious effort, but please KNOW that every time you do this, your thoughts will decrease more and more until they stop coming because you are no longer supplying them with the fuel they need to survive. You WILL become a Pro at this and it won't take as long as you think to accomplish. Any questions, reach out for answers.

[Tealribbon]

I don't have any answers. I'm just so sorry you are experiencing this. Anxiety is a liar but oh my goodness it can seem sooooo very real. Like wearing those virtual reality goggles, it seems like it truly is happening. I pray your anxiety dissipates a little each day. You have been traumatized and that anxiety is keeping the trauma alive. Sending hugs and prayers.

[Lilybells in reply to Tealribbon]

you described that perfectly! I’m already feeling a little bit better knowing that finally someone out there understands . ‘anxiety is a liar’ I will try and remember that , thank you xx

[Tbine]

I'm sorry about your son and what you and your family had to go through, i feel for you all in this situation. I have to tell you the MOST FRUSTRATING thing to hear someone say when going through this is " just ignore it" (meaning your thoughts) unfortunately it is more complicated than that. Everything when dealing with thoughts especially, requires techniques, and a plan of attack. I'm sorry for the long explanations of it all, but i remember when i was suffering with this i was always given "vague" answers with NEVER an explanation of HOW TO DO IT was always missing. Repetition and Persistence WILL win this battle,. Believe me, it's true. But like anything else Worth having, like peace of mind, is worth the work involved. Please feel free to ask the questions here, even if you feel that it's stupid. The only stupid question is the one you never ask.

[Lilybells in reply to Tbine]

Thank you , honestly I will try my best . I just wish they didn’t feel so bloody real ! X

[Tealribbon]

Oh my goodness yes!!! " just ignore the freight train ".

[ChristianWithHope]

Lilybells,

You're not alone. There are millions of us out here struggling with similar thinking challenges. I promise you it can get better. I've witnessed it in myself and others.

Sometimes these disorders have to be gang tackled.

- Finding the right medication can be a huge help.

- a professional therapist

- a support group with people you can see eye to eye

I'm so sorry about your son.

At the moment I'm at the bottom of a very difficult bout of anxiety. Its agonizing, but I know it will pass eventually.

Best regards

[Lilybells in reply to ChristianWithHope]

Thank you x

[Auburn2017]

I can relate to your fears. They consume me as well. I am constantly in fear that something will

Happen to me and I will leave my family. I constantly talk to myself and do affirmations that I’m fine and I have a future with my family. It’s hard and it’s debilitating. A constant struggle. I feel like after my kids left home this all started. My heath anxiety is pretty bad and I constantly worry something is wrong with me. I can totally relate to the fear that you live with. Thinking positive is a struggle when all your brain knows is the negative that we have taught it. Try to take it 1 day at a time.

[Lilybells in reply to Auburn2017]

I was like this before my son was diagnosed , always living in fear that one of us would be ill, and then this happened, and the fear is worse than I ever imagined , it’s with me all the time , I can’t escape it .

I try so hard to be positive, and tell myself that he will be ok , but the thoughts start and I can’t get away from them .

Thank you for understanding

[Ragdoll15]

I would just like to say how pleased I am to hear that your son is now back at work. This must be a relief to you after the initial worry. It appears that success rates are so much higher now, with people living normal lives after surgery. A lady at my church had treatment years ago and is living a very normal life.

Try to be strong so that you can go on enjoying each day with your precious sons.

I will keep you in my prayers x

[Lilybells in reply to Ragdoll15]

Thank you so much , that’s reassuring to hear .