Help - Son

[Xenia33]

My son and I had an argument today. He is 19 and thinks he knows EVERYTHING! He tried to tell me how to parent my youngest (13). He told me that I am controlling and don't let him see his friends. Which is so not right because I always let him see his friends and only ask for his and his older sibling their schedule for work - which I think I should know because they live here. I don't think it's too much to ask to know their schedule . My husband is a controlling narcissist - at least that is what I think from reading about his personality, I think it is giving my son and daughter a reason to be that way too. It is really bad. Any advice I would appreciate. I am at a loss.

I feel like I am letting him become my husband and I cannot stop it. He is already headed that way and I can't do anything.

BTW I tried talking to him about it but he denies he is that way.

[hypercat54]

Not good. It seems like your son has been busy copying his fathers behaviour and thinks it is normal.

He is 19 though so I would remind him that he is an adult now and if he doesn't like it he can sling his hook. Tell him to lecture you when he has a child of his own and knows what he is talking about. Tough love! x

[Xenia33 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you

[Xenia33 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you again. I totally agree.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Sorry this is happening. Try and give them their space. Put up a calendar with your schedule and a few fun things and maybe they will want to join. You can't tell narcissits anything, because it is all about themselves. It's not a fight you will want to waste energy on. Keep loving them. Let them walk in on a few fun family activities. Make dinner at dinner time and put a plate in the fridge. Plan a movie night and invite them. "Hey, I am going to see...on Thursday night, if you want to come." and leave it at that. They need to find their own way.

[Xenia33 in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thanks for sympathizing but what you're suggesting I already tried. Also, I realize now that it plays into their ego. I don't want that anymore.

[Hidden]

A lot of 19 year olds think that they know it all.. hopefully it's something that will pass as he gets older.

I hope so anyway.

Take care.

[Xenia33 in reply to Hidden]

I hope you are right. Thanks.

[Hidden in reply to Xenia33]

Fingers crossed!

[AuntBee]

Parents are smart until their teen turns 14. Then we are “stupid and we don’t know anything”. Then around the age of 23, they come back for advise because they realize, once again, that we are we smart.

Asking for their work schedule is important for their whereabouts, but I hope they have a chore schedule too. Is your son in college or does he work full time?

[Xenia33 in reply to AuntBee]

Well, a small chore schedule. Not in college yet but plans on it. He is working. My older daughter is 22 and "knows everything" too. She stopped even asking for my advice two years ago. I think I have let things slide because the house is so stressed due to my husband and I sometimes don't have the energy or stamina to fight with them too. Parenting is so very hard. When they were little it was easy (I just did everything myself). This adulthood thing is the pits. You are so right when you said "Parents are smart until their teen turns 14. Then we are “stupid and we don’t know anything”.

[Needtovent]

I’ve often said that if I knew at the age of 25 that being a parent meant eventually becoming a parent to an adult, I’m not so sure i would have signed up. That said, hypercat and lazy dog gave good suggestions. I’d avoid as much discussion about the younger child, with the 19 year old, as possible. If he brings it up (guessing he’s advocating for his younger brother), just respond with something like ‘thanks for your thoughts’. No engaging cause its not his business.....

[Xenia33]

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I will no longer ask for his advice. My husband is very difficult to deal with so I did turn to my older kids when I needed advice. But no more. I never-ever would have talked to my parents the way that he did me. It would never have happened. But they hit 18 and suddenly think they know everything and have an opinion that I should listen to. Funny thing is - I wasn't asking his opinion. He just started yelling at me and telling me what he thought. It wasn't even provoked. I just had enough of his (and my older daughter's) attitude. It has to stop somewhere.

[lisamegachewy]

I feel I could have written this post myself, as I'm in a very similar situation. My twenty-year-old son makes very keen observations about his seventeen-year-old brother & my parenting in reference to him. At times these observations are critical but not criticism & that is an important distinction. We all struggle with parenting, particularly if our spouse or other children have destructive toxic behavior which makes parenting more difficult. My youngest son willfully & knowingly triggers my PTSD & is ultra-manipulative at times; he does this because he can, he's bored & he's watched his father manipulate & mistreat me his entire life. He is, however, a child & therefore more worthy of patience & forgiveness. Whenever my sons or my husband give unsolicited advice, criticism or behave in manipulative, destructive or an abusive manner, I step away from the situation after openly telling them that their behavior hurts me & is totally unacceptable. If they persist or escalate, one of two things is going to happen; I will either have a panic attack or I will have a 3-6 minute flight-fight response & then have a panic attack. It's not pretty, so when I can, I remove myself from the situation, but I always, always tell the other party how I feel & what I expect. Setting these boundaries took me many years to learn & it may not be easy to incorporate boundaries with your teenagers. They do live under your roof & you are both the adult & the parent in your home. It is okay to tell your children that your parenting isn't open for debate or rather, unsolicited criticism. I try to persuade my kids to understand that my time & attention are a privilege & when that privilege is abused, it will be withdrawn. Most kids are happy to ignore a lecture but aren't generally keen on protracted detachment. I think it's difficult to maintain healthy boundaries as our children become adults because they feel confident in their own opinions & knowledge, but again, you are the parent & it's your home. If your older son makes observations that hurt you, then tell him to stop immediately & clearly, or move out. If he makes observations that are harmless but irritating, ask him to refrain from giving unsolicited advice because that too becomes harmful over time. You can invite or accept a healthy dialogue about parenting but only when it is respectful & honestly, it's not his place to tell you how to parent anyone. I'm sure you know very well where your internal boundaries are, the trick is showing your children where they are & to respect them. You will not do him a service by permitting him to comment on these matters simply because he thinks he knows or understands better; an important part of growing up is knowing one's place & understanding when it's appropriate to make comments & when it's appropriate to keep our observations to ourselves. I hope that helps you & I'm sorry you're struggling. Take care of yourself.

[Xenia33]

I just want you to know how much what you wrote meant to me. You are so very right on everything. I took a long time to reply because I wanted to read it over and over a few days to make sure I understood everything - and I do. I'm not sure I can set the boundaries as you suggested because the kids are older and my husband has been doing this for so long to me. But I will try. One thing I have started immediately doing after I got responses to my post was to tell my oldest child that I will no longer put up with her or her brother's disrespect towards me. I will not tolerate them speaking to me the way they have been. My 19 year old son still has not apologized to me. He tells his sister that he doesn't know why I am upset with him and that he was right. I have not given him the cold shoulder or anything like that but I also have let him know that I am still upset with his behavior. My youngest two children are very respectful and would never talk back to me. I think because of how stressful these past few years have been with my husband and me being the only parent to discipline them I let things go over these past few years. Along with the fact that, as you said, "it's difficult to maintain healthy boundaries as our children become adults because they feel confident in their own opinions & knowledge". That is exactly what has happened with my older two.

Thank you again so much for responding to my post. I really do appreciate everyone's advice. Yours was in depth and accurate - I needed that.