Super overwhelmed. This is really long.

[Earthmuffin]

TLDR: I really need words of encouragement and empathy right now. I am lacking compassion in my support system.

I feel super overwhelmed and I'm having trouble coping with it. If I reach out to my "support" system they will either A get upset or B view it as pity. At least that's what my brain tells me. So, here goes..

My ex and I are seeing each other again. (Yep. I'm officially one of those girls.) It's been 8 months since we last spoke. Things are going much better. One of the biggest problems we have had in the past is the lack of empathy for my mental illness and my commitment issues (which stemmed alot of his own to come out).

I am currently mainly bed ridden. I wake up and sob and my main accomplishment right now is making coffee and brushing my teeth. I've been stuck in this rut since Feburary and it's only gotten worse. I haven't worked since December. I don't eat much anymore. I'm so tired all the time and I'm trying really hard to simply manage.. I feel like when I try to explain that I just feel so pitiful and I hate it but I have no other way. It just keeps getting worse.

I've been researching depression and how it really affects your body and all of the scientifically proven facts that go along with it. It's made me feel a little better, or at least more accepting of "Ok, this is where I am in this moment. It's not just in my head. It's real and valid." My therapist tries to reassure me that even the smallest accomplishment is a huge one right now and I should be proud of it.

I don't feel proud of it.. I just feel it getting worse. Even now that my ex is getting me out of the house and my dog is back (aka the best thing that has ever existed) I still feel so, so painfully sad. Things that used to make me happy still feel happy but almost like through a dense fog. Like I can't completely feel it but it's trying to be there. Or maybe it just seems familiar.

Ok, next problem:

My ex is convinced that because I once had a job and paid my own bills (something I struggled an enormous amount with - I have never worked a job for more than 4 months at a time - even after getting my degree - I fall into a depression every. single. time.) that I'm not trying my hardest right now. I keep trying to explain that I have depression and what was my best at a previous point can't be compared to my best right now. I keep attempting to explain what depression is and how I am literally doing THE BEST I CAN.

It makes me so angry.

Now he is hard pressed to find a new place to live and is expecting me to get a job and live with him and split things because I love him.

Typing this all out makes me feel so silly.. I wouldn't put up with this from any other human. I never have. Part of me is still hoping that I can get him to understand but part of me knows that he probably never will.

I need someone who is empathetic and caring. I need lots of encouragement. I deserve that. But at the same time my brain says that I should be able to suck it up and function just like anyone else, there isn't really anything wrong with me, I'm just being dramatic. I have no real suffering. I'm pitiful and pathetic and a huge waste of space.

I'm so tired of being so sad.

So, so tired.

[Nothelpless]

Have you tried therapy? I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. People who aren't depressed do not understand the disease. Most people use their minds to push forward. Their minds make all the difference so a single pep talk can help them I'd you are depressed, your mind is not able to respond the same way so they don't understand. That is why I'm here as well. It sucks that you feel this way and I hope that you feel better soon. Try writting down your feelings in a diary as well as here. I try to add more fruits and veggies to my diet and walk in the sun (vitamin d). Maybe try it if it helps. But I suggest therapy as well

[mrmonk]

I can understand the feeling of not receiving the empathy you need from a partner, though my situation is different in many ways.

Have you tried couples counseling? Maybe a third-party intermediary can help your partner understand and appreciate better what you are going through, then collaborate with you both to plan a future where you can be happy together?

Also, has your therapist recommended seeing a psychiatric doctor for medications to help treat your depression?

I know well how exhausting life can be with mental illness, how overwhelming. But hang in there, Muffin; you will find your way through this.

Take care and be well.

[Earthmuffin in reply to mrmonk]

I thought about taking him with me to see my therapist but I've only been with this new one for two weeks now. (It's been a year that I've been out of therapy) My last therapist tried to push medication but I was strongly against it.. I was on a few things in my late teens/early 20s but it didn't end well. I feel like my body is changing and is less adept at controlling my depression as I get older, if that makes any sense? But I'm strongly considering it.. 6 months is a long time to be stuck in this and still sinking.

[mrmonk in reply to Earthmuffin]

Yeah, medication is always pretty dicey, though, I can see why it might be necessary, sometimes (chemical imbalances in the brain, for instance).

Maybe, with time, when you feel more comfortable with your current therapist, you can suggest the couples session; at the very least, it could help you both to clarify to each other your feelings about the situation.

In any case, I hope it all works out the best for you and your relationship. To paraphrase your own words, you deserve that encouragement, empathy, and care.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

I just read your post. I was reading another discussion “thread” and liked your replies regarding the other person’s situation.

I can offer empathy.

I understand and identify with your plight. Kudos for making coffee and brushing your teeth. I get so bad sometimes that getting out of bed is impossible. My benchmark is breathing. That’s the best I can do.

I also empathize with vulnerability that comes with that “goal.” A lot of times during my life I acted and felt like I was self sufficient. Having to accept severe limitations is not my best trick. I don’t like asking for help, hate to feel like a victim or burden.

So from one pitiful waste-of-space slug to another, I say , “Hello. Hang in there and be the best pathetic sad person you can be.” I’m there with you.

Also I will PM you something I read this morning that helped me.