So I posted on here for the first time last night and decided I shouldn't have. I was having a horrible day, hadn't slept well in over a week and was operating on 3.5 hours of sleep. I received a response and if that user sees this version I appreciate the thought but it was a lot more aggressive of an approach than I think my life would actually allow. A lot of details were left out so here we go. How I got to where I am today.... Warning, this will probably be long.
I suffer from major depression, generalized anxiety disorder and was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. The first time I remember wanting to kill myself I was about 12. I finally admitted I needed help closer to 15-16. I'm almost 34 now and have been on antidepressants for what is now the majority of my life. There's a lot I could talk about through high school and college but I'm as okay with all of that as I'm probably going to be so why bother when there’s something else I’d rather talk about...
Roughly 12 years ago I met my ex-wife online. We're about ready file for dissolution (which is basically mutual uncontested divorce) in the immediate future and things haven't been easy for me lately. Sometimes I still miss the person she used to be when I met her. She had some setbacks in life and wasn't perfect but she was funny, driven, intelligent, and just an amazing communicator. We had met online in a complete fluke before online dating really took off and would talk for hours everyday. First through AIM, then on the phone, then a combination of AIM, text, phone, Xbox Live, and every other medium that was practical at the time. Both of our recent ex's had messed us up pretty badly but I loved this woman more than I thought possible at the time.
She was pregnant when we got married and that was fine. We were in the process of moving in together when we learned our unborn son was going to have health problems. It was impossible to say how bad they'd be but best case scenario he would have problems moving, speaking or both, worst case scenario he would die within minutes or hours of being born. The MRI was unreliable because fetuses move with all the loud noise they make, but there were serious definitely serious problems because they'd already been able to tell something from ultrasounds.
Thankfully our son survived. He just turned 10 but is sadly still at the physical and verbal limitations of an infant and always will be. He is the sweetest little thing though and loves to cuddle. His laugh and smile light a room and you can tell he just wants to be loved on.
But after our son was born my ex changed. It was understandably a horrific time in our lives and I wouldn't have expected her to come out entirely unchanged but things were worse than I thought possible. It started with a combination of postpartum depression and stress but it never really went away. We had moved in with her mother for fear of not being able to afford the apartment we had already placed a deposit on. I fought to live with my parents who are much nicer people (and I'm seriously not just saying that because I'm biased.) but lost because they were moving two hours away and my ex refused to leave the area around a top national children's hospital. Childcare for a special needs child is expensive, especially one who has seizures and we couldn't afford to both work and I wasn't making enough at the time to support us on our own. The idea was floated that I'd work, maybe go to grad school and see what kind of work I'd find at the time, then my ex would go back to school and hopefully we'd be in a good place before my ex mother-in-law either retired or became too sick to help watch the kids.
Anyways, so my ex was pushing me away. I tried to stay strong and always let her know I loved her and was there for her if she needed me. I tried to do everything her and her mother asked but it was never enough for either of them. I was lazy and selfish and only wanted to play video games. I frequently thought about leaving at the time but I had no idea how to do so. We lived paycheck-to-paycheck and even if I won custody of my son the only way I could take him with me was if I imposed upon my parents who were already in the process of taking in my youngest sister, her children, her stepchild and her husband who was maybe two steps above complete deadbeat at the time. My only other option if I somehow won custody was to find a home for him to stay in either permanently or while I worked and I wasn't okay with that.
Three years later she decided she wanted another child. My son's pregnancy and problems had ruined the idea of having more children for me but for the first time in years she was offering regular affection and I took advantage of it while I could. It was a good few weeks but she got pregnant almost immediately. The time in the hospital when my daughter was born was the last time I remember being truly happy in my relationship. I had been an anxious wreck during the pregnancy and even after my daughter was born I still kept waiting to find out something was wrong with her.
I had begun to experience panic attacks regularly and it was around this time I felt so pressured to succeed in a career and enrolled in law school. I hated it from the very beginning but every time I tried to drop out I was made to feel so guilty for failing my son I'd end up staying. I had to find a part-time program as I worked around 50 hours a week in a restaurant at the time but at least my ex changed. She no longer actively pushed me away she just treated me with complete indifference. Her idea of "spending time with me" was after her mother went to sleep she would demand I come upstairs from the basement where I regularly hid from her mother's ever growing nastiness for a couple hours a day and that was fine. I would feed our son and care for our children until I put them to bed. Then I would sit on the couch and wait... and wait...
She would sit in the recliner staring at her phone or her laptop. She'd control the tv and ignore everything I said. If I pointed out that she could sit with me there was a good chance she'd get mad. Apparently it was my fault. I'd been so miserable for so long she couldn't bear to be around me. Occasionally we would get into such a horrific fight that she would agree to try for a while but it never made it more than a week before she was back to ignoring me. Again this was my fault because my depression never got any better. I'm sorry that I worked a job I despised, went to a school I hated, was forced to do chores constantly at home knowing that her and her mother would sit around on their asses all day while I worked.
I had given her constant chances over the years to prove me wrong but I had known for years our relationship was doomed. She would get mad if I ever told her so but I stayed for the kids. It's so damned cliched but I did. I stayed because I couldn't imagine going a day without seeing them. They are literally the only reason I haven't killed myself hundreds of times by now.
I made efforts to change and get better. I've tried almost every antidepressant that exists. I've tried anti-anxiety medications, therapy, partial hospitalization programs, holistic approaches, and anything that didn't feel like complete garbage. I was fired from the restaurant after being targeted for not wanting to stay in a restaurant my entire life. I could go into detail about how I know this was the case but it's irrelevant to the overall story. I found a job in a warehouse and finished law school.
I truly don't know how I graduated. I couldn't focus and there are still so many times I still can't focus 3 years later. I never took the Bar because how the hell was I supposed to study? I couldn't focus and was forced to work or stay busy every day of my life for years and even during law school studying didn't seem to count to the two women I lived with. I also was pretty sure I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore which just made studying and paying literally thousands of dollars preparing for a test I dreaded taking feel insurmountable.
Since graduating I have tried to find work in all of the alternative fields law school admissions people swear a law degree is great for. HR, compliance, regulatory affairs, contract negotiator, and anything to do with insurance are just a small number of what they tell you you can do with a law degree. Yet I'm still in the same damned warehouse I worked at when I graduated. Not only that but I switched shifts to get more overtime just to shut my ex up about money. I looked right at her and told her last year when the position opened up that if I took it we'd have more money but it would destroy the sham of a relationship we had left.
So she spouted more of her lies. Everything would be fine. We'd actually see each other more because I'd work set hours and we could plan around it. I wouldn't be working whatever shift was offering overtime every week just to claw our way out of debt. Keeping in mind that she was in nursing school and already hadn't spent any noticeable amount of time with me since starting it I said fine, rolled my eyes and took the opening to shut her up.
So I’ve reached the point in the year where this shift works 7 days a week for weeks at a time. I’m averaging 65+ hours a week and it’s just making things miserable again.
But before I complain about that in any other way we separated maybe 2 months ago now. I started out optimistic. I was going to find a new job that would allow me to see my kids, find someone to talk to and maybe fill the void where all forms of physical intimacy from holding hands onward had formed in my life over the last 10+ years.
Maybe it’s because I’m old fashioned when it comes to dating and sex but let me just say I absolutely despise online dating. I could make a whole other post about the crap I’ve read, rejection, and just freaking strange conversations I’ve had all while having exactly zero results at finding someone I can connect with in any way that doesn’t come off as a bit too insane to deal with. I could complain about my ex's success but I encouraged her to put herself out there but I do feel like it proves how little she cared all these years if she can put so much effort into meeting strangers and so little into making it work.
For years I’ve felt like this city is making it clear it doesn’t want me. I’ve been looking for jobs on and off for most of the last 10 years as time, depression and everything allows and I have had no luck at all save the restaurant and this stupid warehouse. I’ve been unable to take risks on lower paying jobs in the hopes they’d lead to better jobs in the future because of money and I’m so sick of hearing my evil racist ex-mother-in-laws f-ing mouth.
I was so damned glad when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry finally got married so I wouldn’t have to hear about how “doesn’t the queen realize they could have a black baby?” Anymore....
I won't miss my ex at all. At least not the woman she is now. I would love to move out immediately but I'd rather my ex get to the point where her mother isn't around the children more than absolutely necessary as well and that means graduating nursing school or moving in with another guy which I really wouldn't be comfortable with happening so fast and concerning my children.
I've been trying a new perspective and it seemed to be working. It occurred to me that I have done a lot of impressive things and faced a lot of challenges but I can only seem to feel good about them if someone else is telling me that they're impressive. I spent the first couple of days this week feeling better about myself than I have in years. Sadly it doesn't seem to be a match for sleep deprivation.
I feel like I need to leave for a while. Get away from this city and its' problems even for like a year or two. I have no family left here but I have family in three different cities in Kentucky and being closer to one makes me hours closer to the others. At least one of those seems to have a lot of higher paying jobs open right now, maybe even something closer to what I'd been looking for the last several years.
I feel like it could be a good move for me but how do I leave my kids? How do I make a move that feels so selfish but makes it so hard to see them? How do I manage to be the kind of father I always wanted to be from over 2 hours away? I'm hoping I can get some sleep and maybe turn things around in some way but I haven't slept well in over a week. I finally got some sleep last night but I'm still groggy and depressed and can't seem to shake it.
If you're somehow still reading all of this thank you. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I know it's very unlikely that anyone has been through my exact life experience but it would be great just to have someone who when I spoke to them I felt like they actually understood and cared. I have a friend I can talk to here and there but she moved away years ago and I don't want to constantly complain to her. I tried with my family and it kept getting back to my ex somehow so I'm not comfortable talking to any of them. They've spoke with my ex more than me over the last 10 years anyway so I'm not sure why that's a surprise....
I guess I should end this before I ramble anymore.... again... if anyone made it this far thank you...
I'm new here and this is my story
I MUST let this out, I need Encouragement, I NEED to hear something POSITIVE 
I need advice on how to handle this
Not sure how long I'll be here...
