My Marriage, My Depression: Just need... - Anxiety and Depre...

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My Marriage, My Depression

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Just need to vent..... No one to talk to..... Depressed about it......I've been married for almost 6 years, together almost 8 years. I'm at my wit's end on how to save it. I've come to learn that love just isn't enough. We was arguing a lot. Now we just don't talk much. We don't even sleep in the same bed, he sleeps on the couch and intimacy of any kind is long gone. Zip for 6 months now. Been on a down hill spiral for about 3 years. I've cried all I can. My fight is gone. I feel defeated. I know people change, I've changed. I'm a mother so my priorities are different but I still try to show love and affection. However, I'm getting none in return. I'm getting distance, selfishness, no appreciation, no intimacy, no love, no care, no want to fix this, not from him. I try talking to him about it and I get nothing but attitude in return. He won't do counseling either. This relationship has my depression really getting to me. I can't even leave. I am in college and have no job. At least not till August. I just don't understand how things went South. We was so In love and so happy. I am so tired of trying to figure it out. Tired of this being a one sided relationship. (Please don't comment if you're going to be hateful or rude)

19 Replies
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Sorry to hear of your sadness. Having been through this same thing numerous times and coming out the other side, I can only offer the solace that this is what being human is all about. You journey is one that is natural and you will experience the ups as well as the downs. Someday you WILL look back on this with distance behind you and a much different perspective. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

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I agree. My marriage has been there and then came back to exteme closeness again. I changed how I handled him. Instead of being disappointed or angry at him I teamed up with him to try to help fix some of our issues and his issues he has. I let him know how much I love him even when we are struggling financially and emotionally.

I’ve dealt with something similar in recent times. I’ve been with my bf for three years. One year in we had a kid and eventually moved in together. We have had so many days where we just argue and go to bed mad with each other. So many days where we barely talk. Sometimes I would just sit in my car at our house to be away from him. We had to learn with each other how to fix it because we knew we didn’t wanna break up. we just sit down together and say what’s bothering each of us until we come up with solutions. We constantly remind each other how much we love each other and knowing that’s there gets us through the days. Because we’ve persisted is why we are where we are now. I recommend going on a trip together alone. We are on a trip without our daughter for the first time and we actually kissed today lol

I stayed too long in my marriage, 37 years

You have done your best. Please don’t stay for the kids. Go slow and start with a legal

Separation, tell your hubby you both need space. It’s always sad to loose something that was started with the best intentions!

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Hidden in reply to porcupyne

We have separated twice in the last 3 years....

Oh 😒

Have you tried counseling? Otherwise your beating a dead horse

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Hidden in reply to porcupyne

He wont do counseling I've asked mutiple times

I recently was in a similar situation, my wife wanted intimacy, but it was difficult. She would come home from work and for the next few hours I was her emotional punching bag. I would ask how her day went and be the concerned husband, but it progressed to her being rude or talking down to me. Eventually she would ask for me to be intimate, but after dealing with that I had zero drive to be intimate. I know we went to couples counseling, tried three separate ones. The problem we ran into was she refused to accept what she was being told. We would go for an hour and fifty minutes would be spent with her talking, I’d get the tail end, she refused to listen if she didn’t like what was said. If a counselor is needed, both have to have an open mind and willingness to improve.

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Hidden in reply to gleamx

See that's him. I admit when I screw up and i Know I am not perfect and I'm working hard on control my temper and mood swings. Doc put me on medication for anxiety and depression and it's helping. He went to the doc and she wants him to get some lab work done and that was like 3 months ago and he just refused to take the time to go get labs done and she won't give him meds for anything till he gets labs done. He won't go to counseling and when I try to explain how something he does or has done hurts me or how it makes me feel all I get in response is "sorry you feel that way" with attitude. I listen when he talks but he don't listen when I talk. He had zero patients with our children and acts like this family isn't something he wants anymore and when I tell him that's how I feel he gets a mad and defensive and shuts me out. I love him but the distance is just getting worse.

gleamx
gleamx in reply to Hidden

My ex wife(separated), she would go but then would blame everything on it.

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Hidden in reply to gleamx

I just don't feel like he wants to work things out. I feel like he just wants me here to care for the kids and the house and laundry and cook for him. Like he just wants a nanny and a maid.

gleamx
gleamx in reply to Hidden

My wife thought that is what I wanted with her towards the end. Like my thing is if one of us was up, I don’t mind if she asks for a glass of water, like common courtesy. If I asked for a glass of water, she’d hit me with “You can get it yourself,” mind you she would forget non important stuff at home while she was at work and I would regularly have to deliver it. I worked two jobs or long hours and would ask, any idea on what you want for supper, and she would go off on me. Regular situations like that, and I regularly took it.

Spaz119
Spaz119 in reply to Hidden

Yep. That’s what he’s doing. You don’t think he wants to be bothered with things like taking care of the kids or the household, do you?

To me it sounds like you have really tried.

He can’t think things are fine. Why would anyone want to live like that? And most of all, it’s not fair to you.

You deserve happiness. Try to make a plan to move forward. It might take awhile but at least you’d feel like you’re doing something about the situation; working towards a goal.

If he doesn’t want to deal with health issues, it’s not your fault. He’s a grown man!

You’ve come to a wall.

Please don’t give up your life for someone like that. There is so little joy in life as it is 🙁

My favourite saying is (I've posted this to other ppl too) 'my love is unconditional, but my trust and respect are not'. I am not judging your partner as a person, but from what you have described, his behaviour seems to be making you really un happy. I'm sorry to hear that. You deserve happiness, live and respect. Stay strong x

It takes 2 people trying to make a relationship work. It sounds like he has stopped trying. If he won’t go to counseling, then go yourself. Find a good therapist to support you in the next steps, which my involve divorce. Keep divorce talk quiet around him until you have you ducks in a row.

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Hidden in reply to Stillcrazy123

I took the kids and stayed at my mom's last night and I'm staying here at my mom's tonight again. Need space to figure things out. Kids are clueless, they know Daddy works nights so we just hanging out at Nana's

So sorry for your pain. I went through a difficult patch in my marriage a few years ago. My husband became distant and I cried until I could cry no more, I continued to show affection but was met with coldness. One day I suspected there might be another woman in the picture and sure enough there she was all shiny and new in her work out gear. He had met her at work and became close when she joined a cycling group he rode in. I straight up confronted him and although they had not slept together he was on the verge of making that move. His heart was moving away from mine. I was devastated as we had always been so close and in what I considered true love. He was an amazing man. I tried to figure out what had happened and as I did I realized our problems started after our first child was born and we became more distant when our second child was born only 27 months later. I had not caught the clues of his unhappiness because I was so busy with our children and life. I was happy, content, and felt blessed. It wasn't until he pulled back physically and emotionally that I saw a problem existed. Today, our marriage is stronger than ever but I can tell your 100% if I had not worked my tail off we would not be together today. He was being selfish and I was being a mom. He still wanted a girlfriend (we had always done everything together before the kids) and I wanted a partner. We had a come to Jesus moment and he decided to stop talking and cycling with the woman from work and I agreed to spend more time with just the two of us. It took some time (a couple of years) for us to get back on track but it was worth the fight. My daughters adore their dad and he adores them and I have my favorite person back. The best part is now we are super honest when get annoyed about something, no hiding or pretending. I hope your marriage works out and I hope my story encourages you to fight for your family. Blessings.

One suggestion, don't indulge in any argument. Do not speak until it is a requirement. Quieten yourself in mind and by words. Practice yoga in the mornings and evenings. Do not get angry promise to yourself and things will fall in place.

Talk to a therepist, or your favourite cousin or friend. You can talk to me and tell me everything all your pain and complaints. But don't get angry at your partner. Keep calm.

Loads of love 💖

Anjula

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