Marriage Issues on top of REALLY bad mental health?

[ZeroChaos]

I have never posted before.

Okay, so I KNOW it's awful to be in this pandemic situation when we already had anxiety to begin with. That's bad and made worse when at just the beginning of the pandemic ... meds I've been on for 6 years chose to just quit. And now, my husband seems to have gone absolutely deaf and will NOT respect my (several MILLION) requests to stop doing a thing that irritates me to no end! He likes to grab me when he walks by me or when he is supposed to be hugging me. I've asked him to stop, snapped at him about it, explained that people don't like feeling like they can't be near a person without getting handled. Then there's the whole screaming til I went hoarse because I reached the point where I was out of my mind pissed because I was tired of not being heard.

I've seen plenty of "How mental health affects marriage" articles, but what about "how marriage affects mental health"? Please tell me somebody else feels like there is a time when marriage/relationships made their mental health worse.

[FriendlyDude]

I can definitely see how marriage can affect mental health, you’re not making that up I’m not married, but I’ve seen my own parents’ relationship and how that’s affected their mental health (to an extent of course). In my mind, both should respect the other’s feelings and opinions, and work together to make the best of life. Obviously, this isn’t practiced by a lot of couples...

I’d suggest that you have a serious and calm talk with your husband about what’s going on. Peace and harmony in your relationship is vital

Also be sure you’re doing your part, and that you’re listening to him too. You don’t know how much you miss until you take the time to carefully listen and observe.

I hope that’s helpful, I wish you the best

[ZeroChaos in reply to FriendlyDude]

Thank you for the advice. I admit that I do tend to get a little more ... assertive over this particular thing. I think it's because I feel out of control of even what goes on with my person, like I'm helpless. This is my second marriage and the first was really, really bad. (my ex-husband has been prison for several years now). I know that a huge amount of my mental health issues come from that time period, so I try to keep myself under control. However, I did wait this time until I had calmed down before I said anything. I did ask why he continued to insist when I have repeatedly asked that he stop. He said because he 'liked to'. (I wanted to punch him, but instead I explained that it didn't matter what he liked to do. It was disrespectful and that he didn't have that right just because he was my husband to do it when he knew it was something that made me uncomfortable or feel like I had no say. I also pointed out that it was great to show affection so our son could see his momma and daddy hugging or holding hands or spending time together, it was NOT okay for him to think it was acceptable to invade another person's space w/o permission, or worse, just walk up to some female and grab her rear! I'm putting your comment in my journal to help me remember patience and listening, and also that I did not make it up!

💜

[FriendlyDude in reply to ZeroChaos]

Great job calming down before talking with him! That’s a great habit to get into

Also, when you talk with your husband, try to use language that won’t be provoking to him. For example, when you say “you don’t have a right to...” that immediately opens the door to an argument, because it puts him on the defensive. But if you word it differently, you can keep the conversation calm and positive while still getting your point across.

“You know, it really makes me uncomfortable when ___, and I’d really appreciate it if you stopped. It would make me feel MUCH happier, and that would be in our best interest 😂” (adding that element of laughter at the end puts a strong positive spin on it, and it can help him feel the point you’re making in a positive way, encouraging him to agree on a subconscious level). Can you see how the issue was addressed, how the wording suggested a change in his behavior that would produce a positive outcome not only for you, but for him too, and that the whole message is in a positive tone? Effective, positive communication is a key part of making needed adjustments in your marriage

[Hidden]

Men are very physical human beings. Its normal for them to show affection like that. On the other hand explaining why it upsets you should help understand that it triggers you due to your ex? So when he does it ...does it scare you? Make you think of your ex? Never know when he might attack? Men don't tend to understand the female mind. Our emotions run higher. I live on the other side. My husband is in a chair so I never get any physical attention and it is my love language, that and acts of service. He can't do that either. So its very difficult for me to keep my feelings in check. The feelings of loneliness gets overwhelming. Rest assured he finds you very attractive, that he desires you. That says a lot in a marriage. If you still struggle I would suggest counseling. So he can see the seriousness of the situation. He loves you and can't keep his hands off you. After 20 years of marriage I wish my man couldn't. But mine comes from a lot of neglect as a child and abuse. Hang in there and don't give up. Get a little outside intervention. Men tend to listen a little better to other men. They talk the same language. Respect is a big thing for them...ask him to be respectful of you. Don't let this build up. Keep trying.

[Hidden]

Yes, I can relate! my marriage made me begin medication.

[lovetodance2018]

Welcome to HU. So glad you reached out here. It is great to be able to share with others who understand and care. Why did you stop your medication? I tried stopping three times in my life and was told if I struggled again I should just consider staying on medication. A psychiatrist explained it to me this way, just like a diabetic needs insulin to keep their sugar levels balanced, so does a person struggling with depression need medication to keep their chemical levels balanced in their brain. It is hard to work on life and marriage relationships when we feel so bad.

One book that really helped my marriage is called the Five Love Languages (5lovelanguages.com/). We all want to be loved but we all don't like receiving love the same way. My husband also loves to come by and hug me, especially when I am doing things. That really bugs me. I have tried to talk to him about it. I also just recently read this article (bit.ly/2MSc1K9) that he read too and we are working on these tips.

I will be praying for you. Reach out anytime we are here for you. Also pm me if you'd liked to chat more. Hugs and God Bless

[ZeroChaos in reply to lovetodance2018]

Oh! I didn't voluntarily quit my meds, they quit me. Just one day it hit me that I was absolutely furious over nothing. I was saying it my mind and raging with my speech. I have started Effexor but ... it kinda works? Maybe? I haven't tried to shake a stranger til their eyeballs rattle lately is the best I have at the moment.😕

[TaraTigraMoth]

hiya, I feel for you. My boyfriend went away for q few weeks last year and when he came back was groping me every time he was near me. Id beem by myself - apart from my son - when he was away and I got used to my own space. I didnt want to seem mean, and I had missed him but eventually I snapped and said he couldnt keep groping me. He was upset and left me alone for a whole day. So that was worse! Eventually we worked out a middle ground, I told him what I liked so he would feel appreciated.

You might try the same, like if kisses work for you or a little hug and show him exactly how you like being hugged and maybe how he will like it. Maybe you can grab him or pinch his bum and he might understand whats going on then! If it feels like flirting and less like you are a sex object you can tell him you might be more in the mood for something more exciting later. I think men dont understand we need warming up! My ex though didnt even kiss me when he came home from work, but thats another story.

[lovetodance2018]

How are things going? I have been praying you. Hugs