Support for my Wife

[Mack41]

Hey all, my wife suffers from depression & anxiety and refuses to get the help she needs. I try to help her any way that I can, but everything is being projected back at me and her anger is out of control at times. I have kids from a previous marriage and I don’t want them around her now to subject them to what’s going on. I love and care for my wife so I’m reaching out here to see if there is anyone going through the same thing and see what advice people can give. I’m going through therapy with my wife now, and doing what the therapist suggests, but I’m looking for more. Thank you.

[Agora1]

Mack41, sometimes it's about getting you the support you need when our loved

ones will not get the help they need. The pressure and stress on you can become

great in watching them struggle each day and feeling helpless.

I understand because I have a daughter suffering from anorexia who refuses all

help. Just like with your wife, my daughter's anger is lashed out to me. I'm the brunt

of all her frustration and pain.

I get therapy as well as do meditation and deep breathing so that I can keep my

anxiety in control. It's a difficult position to be in when it's an adult who is involved.

I'm glad you have come to this where you can start working on yourself while supporting

your wife. I'm glad you are in therapy with your wife right now and wish her the best

in having a change of heart. Meanwhile, we understand and this can be your safe

escape when life seems so overwhelming. I'm glad you are here Mack. Take care of you.

[Mack41]

Thank you Agora, I greatly appreciate the support. Best wishes for you and your daughter 🙏

[Since2015]

Hi, not sure if this helps but wife side here. I do the same thing to my husband and we've known its a vicious cycle to hurt the love ones the most. I feel so much guilt and beat myself up after I realize the hurt I did. I have been refusing treatment because I am exhausted feeling like they aren't helping. But my husband has given me an ultimatum yesterday. If I don't show up today we're done. I realized that giving up on treatment is giving up on myself as well as my relationship with my husband. I had second thoughts because I'm tired of treating him the way I do and the therapist we've been seeing hasn't been helping. We both know the anger stems up shit from my upbringing. but it's to the point that it can't be an excuse. I have to deal with this shit. So I'm showing up today to talk to him about therapy again. I think from this discussion I had with my husband this time made me realize that I want to connect with people who are going through the same shit with me. But living in Japan there aren't many options. Which is how I eneded up finding this help group last night. I hope you guys can explore other types of therapy and therapists and there are so many more tools than back in the day (thanks internet!) And also, although I wish my husband can take all my pains away, I know that thought is fucked up. He is no super hero and nor are you. I realized my expectations I had in him is unfair and also was the cause of my anger. I resented him for not being my superman. And I've realized that I was wrong. And I need to set expectations that are realistic with my husband and work as a team instead of hoping hell make the difference.

[Mack41 in reply to Since2015]

Hi Since, thank you for sharing your side, it was quite enlightening. Not sure I’m to the point of giving her an ultimatum. I commend you for finding this site, reaching out, and moving forward. My brother in law mentioned looking for a support group and I just joined yesterday. I pray one day soon that my bride accepts what’s going on and receives the help she needs. You’re a very strong woman and I have no doubt that you’ll get through this an even stronger woman. Thank you for reaching out 🙏

[maldonado85]

Mack41 welcome to the group. I myself suffer from depression and anxiety. I more so get to a place where I shut myself down from those around me. I prefer to stay to myself as to not bother others with my issues. I can however say that you as the spouse do need to take time for you. Do not allow your wifes mental ill ess to bring you down and stress you out. I only say thing because I deal with an alcoholic husband who I became so obsessed with trying to help I dragged myself down so much. I learned I can not fix him and I can not cure his disease. I have now left it in my husbands hands to hit rock bottom on his own and hope he will reach out for the help he needs. But I also learned to love him from a distance and focus on myself and my children. It can be extremely hard to do when you see your spouse hurting and in pain but if they refuse treatment what more can you do. I have made it very clear to my husband that I live him but I do not love the person he is when he drinks. I think we sometimes have to chose the battles we fight. Have you tried to sit with her and talk about why she feels or is acting out the way she is? Maybe you could try that, no arguing or yelling at each other but just seeing how she is. Sometimes i think a lot of us women, myself included make it seem like we are on our own even though our husbands are right there. I know I often feel like I take care of everything from working full time, coming home and cleaning the house, homeschooling my daughter, taking care of all my daughter specialist appts, managing her insulin and meals for her type 1 diabetes, cooking dinner, laundry and so on and so on. We feel like we are superwomen and dont need the help and sometimes we can become explosive with anger and what not because of how we feel. I nomally have a hard time just opening up to my husband and it usually isn’t until he says to me “ you seemed very stressed out and not yourself lately. How are you feeling and what can I do to help?” My husband and I both deal with our own issues and how we handle them. Just sharing some things that have worked for me. Best of luck. I hope you fond some answers here on ideas that may be helpful. ☺️

[Mack41]

Thank you Maldonado. My wife also shuts down, sits and stares at the walls, and closes herself off from friends and family. Now that you mention it, I too love her from a distance, I’m assuming to protect my heart in a way. I’m a police officer and work shitty hours, I help take care of my mom with dementia, spend as much time with my two teenage kids since they don’t live with us, and try to take care of my wife as best I can along with our day to day chores at the home. It’s all overwhelming at times like you are too. I’ve tried talking to her several times. It goes well for a while, but once we start speaking of depression, it becomes an argument and I think she believes I’m attacking her, when in all reality all I’m doing is trying to help. The anger is really difficult when you’re called every name under the sun. I pray she reaches out for help before she hits rock bottom, because I’m afraid of what that may bring. I will keep trying to reach out and talk to her. Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing part of your story and giving me some ideas. I pray everything works out for you and your family. You’re a strong woman from what you’ve shared with me and I know you’ll get through this. 👍

[maldonado85 in reply to Mack41]

Thank you, and you too remember you are a strong man for dealing with all you are. I think a lot of times those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety are almost kind of scared sometimes to open up about it. We live in a world that has this stigma surrounding mental illness and it can make it very hard to open up even to those we love the most. I really hope that your wife can learn to openly talk to you about it or reaches out for some sort of help. I’m not sure if I ever really hit rock bottom but I can tell you that from dealing with years of depression and anxiety since i was 15yrs old and now 33yrs old the last year and a half has been my hardest battle. I had been on a combination of 3 different medications that helped me a lot but after a year I felt good enough to come off of them. it wasnt more than 6 months after being off them that I felt like i was in such a dark place. I got back on medication but not the same as I was before as I started seeing a different doctor. That just dragged me down even more. I started being really irritated at everything. I even cursed a customer out at my job. I could have lost my job for that but i am so grateful I didn’t. I know i have so much built up from when I was little on up and I felt like i was drowning and could not control any of the pain I felt. I started cutting and became addicted to that. It allowed me to have a pain I could actually control. But afterward I would look at my arms and think how did I get to this point and now I have scares and try to cover them as much as I can. I was cutting for 5 months before I finally asked my doctor to change my meds because I could not take how I felt anymore. I started back on the meds I was on years ago and see improvement. The last time I cut before I relasped was Nov. 28th, 2018 and just 1 day shy of my 5 month mark I cut again on April 27th. I left the thought in my head get the better part of me. Now I restart my road to recovery on that. it is a huge process to work through no matter if it be medication, self healing, talking or reaching out for any type of help at all. Thank you for sharing your story with us all. Just know things will get better in time, and I know time can feel like forever. You’re doing great holding everyhing down🙌🏼

[Mack41]

Good morning M, I agree with you that there is a stigma with mental illness, but it’s different for the one that suffers from it and the people trying to help them. The hardest part, I believe, is that it’s not a “physical” ailment. You can’t see it or touch it and it’s hard for people to process, understand, an accept. I struggle with the fact that my wife won’t open up to me, her family or friend’s. These are the people that care most and she pushes them away and keeps us all in the dark. I commend you and admire your strength for opening up and sharing your struggles. I know you can beat this and you will. You’re fighting the good fight and will win. All of us here have our struggles, but know that everyone is here to help in every way we can. If you ever have the thought of cutting again, please reach out to anyone on here or IM me. We can help get you through this. On a side note, I tried talking with the wife again last night, but the claws came out yet again. We tried talking about everything and the topic of my son came up. He has a basketball tournament out of town this weekend and he wants to have a dad/son weekend. It would be great quality time with him. I brought that up to her and the response I got was, go have fun while I have nothing to do so just abandon me again 🤦‍♂️. Her words and the guilt I feel are unbearable at times. She’s also starting a new job today, after already losing 4, in the last year or so. It’s not in the best of neighborhoods, but it’s short term until she finds something permanent. When I asked her if she got there safely this morning, I got the, “yea I’m here, just wished someone cared about my safety as much as I did instead of money.” I know it’s the depression talking, but her words are like a stab in the heart at times.

I know you’re restarting your road to recovery, but you made that step 🙌. Yes, it’s going to be huge to work through, but you can do this and you will. Keep it up and just know that we’re all here for you 🤗