So, today has been a very difficult day. My husband and I have been arguing more and more lately. Our teenaged kids told me today that they were really upset about it and found it awful to watch us getting along so badly. This was hard to hear and I feel just so awful for my kids. So awful 😞.
My husband is a rational, scientific person. As I’m having real problems with my GAD, Health Anxiety and my depression (I’m seeing a psychologist), my husband is really, really struggling to deal with me. I get it. I’m annoying to live with and I understand I’m a burden on him. He’s just completely lost patience with anything I’m anxious about and his response has been (understandably) impatient and often nasty.
So, in order to minimise conflict, I’m going to have to stop relying on him. I reassurance-seek a lot and I often just cannot be placated or reassured. I’m sure he’s ready to walk away. I’ve decided to keep a journal and write down everything I feel and see if that helps me in some way. But I’m so heartbroken. The reason I’m in therapy is because of my mum and my sister (neglect and bullying respectively). So I can’t talk to my mum. My dad is dead. My best friend is going through a terribly tough time just now, so I can’t lean on her (as she is leaning on me) and my only other friend is a psychologist! I can’t talk to her, because she’s had to keep a barrier up inbetween her professional and personal life as people were taking advantage of her being a psychologist!
I feel completely alone and totally lost. I’m not back at the psych until the 30th. I literally have nobody now. Not a soul I can lean on. I’m not showing I’m upset because of my girls. But I just feel totally lost and dead inside 😕