I'm new here...

[little_cactus]

and I'm glad to have joined this community.

Although i have consulted a counsellor only once, (and never again, for certain reasons), i took a screening test online from Mental Health America and it seems that I have depression, anxiety and possibly psychosis.

Saying this, i do not trust myself at all. I tend to talk to myself in my head and i think i face a conflict between two sides of me all the time. I hate everything i do, and i embarass myself whenever i do anything.

i feel so many emotions, it's hard to stay in control of myself. I don't feel i have a purpose any more. My body feels lifeless and my appearance has changed. I disgusted when i see the overwheight teen with dark circles in the mirror. Thus i try to punish myself for whatever i do.

I always feel like I'm letting my parents down, whatever i do.

i think of killing myself every waking hour, but i because i am a coward, i never get around to doing it. I'm a sissy.

I might be wasting your time, I'm sorry.

[Agora1]

Dearest little_cactus, you are not wasting my time or anyone else's on this forum.

This is your safe place to come to where you are never judged or put down. We are

here to listen, comfort and understand your pain. I'm am sorry about your experience

regarding a counselor. No matter what it was, there are others out there who can and will

help you get through your emotional issues. When we lose self esteem and hope, it

takes a professional's experience to help set us on the right path again.

Our concern here on this site is for the safety of all. We all have a purpose in life but

sometimes we get off the beaten path and need to be refocused on what that is.

Self diagnosing is not the way to go right now. We will support you every step of the

way. You are not alone anymore. xx

[little_cactus in reply to Agora1]

thank you so much for the warm welcome

[ImpulsivelyMe]

Welcome 😊

[little_cactus in reply to ImpulsivelyMe]

thank you

[Alonefulltimedad]

Little_cactus, cool name... I've battled depression all of my life, I had the childhood of nightmares. But, I find strength in your words... you being strong enough to post is awesome. You sharing has helped me get through this day. Sometimes you just have to find the right counselor... I had a great one once. Life is hard for all of us for different reasons at different times... don't give up please... I would say more but I have to go back to work =(

[little_cactus in reply to Alonefulltimedad]

thank you for your kind words.

prior to stumbling upon this forum, i used to have a hard time with my thoughts and feelings. hopefully I'll slowly grow to forgive myself and breathe easy.

thanks again

[Alonefulltimedad in reply to little_cactus]

Give it time and just push forward. Today I took my son to school because he's been struggling to apply himself. I'm alone in this world raising two boys with no help... I'm extremely hard on myself, I think sometimes we are hard on ourselves because we feel like we need to be in order to make progress. But, sometimes, we just need to take it easy on ourselves to allow progress.

[froggymom88]

You are important, a one of a kind creation. You are worth every second of our time. Please know that we care about you and want you to come here as often as you need. Could you share a little of why you won't go to a counselor?

[little_cactus in reply to froggymom88]

thank you so much! i feel right at home now

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say this but the experience I had with the first counsellor was uncomfortable because: (1) the counsellor told me that my parents may be the root of my sadness and insecurities. i did not agree with that because I love my parents very much and I know they deserve a better child than me. they would never harm me like that. and (2) because i love them, I don't want them to think that I have a mental illness. mental illness would mean more appointments and more bills. They work so hard and we barely get by. They have my grandparents and aunts to take care of too. I don't want to be a burden to my family and (3) the place where I live makes fun of mental health and sees it as a burden. I don't want the rest of my family to think that my parents have raised a child like this.

i plan to move out and start earning on my own. I'll pay for my appointments on my own, so they will not have to worry.

[froggymom88]

little cactus, that was only one counselor. He/she may have just been the wrong one for you. There are so many out there. There are even church groups that offer help on the basis of what you can afford.Can I just say that my daughter went to counseling as a young adult and came home with a number of hurtful things about me. I was hurt ,but so happy that we could begin to unravel the source of her problems. Parents can be wonderful parents and still make mistakes. Yes my daughters counseling cost me money, but I was happy to pay it. Parents want to help their children,especially when they are hurting so much. People who make fun of mental illness are simply ignorant. I pray for people like that. I will be praying for you too. You sound like a wonderful daughter. Your parents are blessed.

[little_cactus in reply to froggymom88]

thank you for writing back.

your words have pacified and reassured me i am so grateful that you offered a parent's perspective.

i feel better today. I'm keeping myself busy with books.

have a good day!

[froggymom88]

Many hugs.