I'm new here.

[ShellofMyself]

I'm new here and I have been dealing with depression for quite a while. I'm currently in graduate school after being away for thirteen years. I'm older than most of the other students and I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm also working as a student-worker at a government building, and again, I have that same feeling of not belonging. Recently, I've just completely shut down at work and I'm not really speaking unless it has something to do with the job I have to do. I just feel like no one really cares about anything I have to say, thus I just feel it is better to not speak at all. Why should I speak when no cares about what I have to say; others only offer snide comments, or talk down to you like you're beneath them?

I don't enjoy doing a lot of the things I used to do. When I lived overseas, I used to cycle as a means of 1) staying physically active, and 2) a great way to escape my thoughts. Where I live now is not very safe for cyclists and with work and school, I'm finding little time for myself. When there are moments when it's somewhat quiet, I'm just so mentally and emotionally drained that I can't even imagine getting on my bike for a ride.

I just feel so down all the time and there are seldom moments when I don't feel low.

[Hidden]

Hello,

That’s amazing that you’re going after what you want! I wish I had your courage to go to graduate school. Keep looking for your tribe. They’re waiting for you, just as you’re waiting for them. <3

[ShellofMyself in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I appreciate those kind words. What is funny (probably ironic) is that I am a former teacher and I was always so good at inspiring and motivating my students, BUT I just can't get myself going at times. A lot of times, I just feel like I'm on auto-pilot and just getting along.

[NCAQuilter in reply to ShellofMyself]

I think that self-help is beyond many of us. I was a business consultant and tax preparer for most of my working life. That involved motivating others to do what they needed to to achieve success. And, I was good at it! But motivating myself? That is why I'm here. I learn so much from other's postings! This is a great spot to be

[Hidden]

Hey I know what you mean. Life has a weird way of weighing down on us, when we’re trying all we can to move forward. Remember to take care of yourself. Even though you don’t feel like it, or it feels too much, keep trying. I heard from a TedTalk that unpleasant feelings last only 60-90 seconds, and whatever lingers is what we hold onto or let go of.

You said cycling isn’t safe where you live, maybe search for another exercise routine! That you can do inside (yoga mat?). A good book? Make goals to/write stuff down that you do just for you and nobody else for a part of the day. It’s hard to when you’re busy, but your well being is important too. None of things could work for you, but keep fighting for yourself<3 I hope you feel better

[CAYKAY]

I can definitely relate. Before I took a break from school, I was doing the bare minimum in terms of social interaction and I purposely foind a job without direct human interaction so I could just be. And the loss of interest is intense. I didnt even notice it at first because I wasnt motivated to do anything. Maybe watch a movie about cycling? Im always more motivated after an inspirational movie

[ShellofMyself in reply to CAYKAY]

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunstely, there's not a lot of movies about cycling. I've had to watch YouTube videos of races, test rides of new bikes, and others. It's not quite the same, but it helps sometimes.

[IheartDogs]

While reading your post, it felt like I was reading the story of my life right now. I completely understand how you feel about not belonging and feeling that people don't care about what you have to say, and it is so deflating all around. I took a two-month medical leave this year to deal with my depression and when I returned, everything was different. Without getting into too much detail, I came back and felt completely devalued, unsupported, like an outcast and like I wasn't even needed at my job. It took me 5 months to get my supervisory role back and once I did, still found myself feeling the same way and like nobody respected me. So I understand what you're going through and it is an awful feeling to have to deal with day in and day out and dreading the work environment. It's gotten so bad that I am so self-conscious about my decisions at work and I question myself all the time because I let my job beat me down. But maybe there are different thoughts you can have about the situation. I'm trying to do this also. Like telling yourself that the way other people treat you is really their issue and not yours. If people choose to uninclude you, then let that be OK. Maybe it's better not to be included in that way. So many times the depression just allows us to think the very worst with all the negatives as our self-esteem and confidence are so compromised. Maybe try to have a different perspective of the things and ppl around you in a way that let's you feel empathic towards others. Like thinking that ppl who treat us this way must not be happy because a truly happy person would never treat someone unkindly... Then have empathy for that unhappy person. Just a thought.

[ShellofMyself in reply to IheartDogs]

Thank you for the kind words. Yeah, I've pretty much stopped talking around work. Right now, I've kinda accepted the "not being included" part of things and just do whatever needs to be done.

[LNHunter]

I’m new here too! Wow! You sound a lot like me! I’m a 40 year old graduate student who has gone back to school after 20 years. I left my job of 23 years to focus on my studies, because juggling being a mom, wife, full time employee, and student was too overwhelming for me. I cashed out my retirement to help my family get by while I’m in school. I’m about half way through my program, and I’m starting to worry about how we are going to survive the next year and a half. I don’t think the rest of my money will stretch that long!

You’re not alone here!