I'm new here

[Beamrider]

Hi, I'm new here, but have suffered from depression and possible touches of bipolarism for years and am most likely somewhere on the autism spectrum as well. I have a successful career and a wife and child that I adore, but my behaviors constantly drive them further away and will eventually lead to me losing them forever. I know this logically but day to day I can't seem to modify my behaviors enough to treat this matter as seriously as it needs to be taken.

I used to live in a nice safe bubble in Ohio, surrounded by family and friends and familiarity. So I was unaware of any of these issues besides a vague realization that I was "different". But 3 years ago we made the decision to move to Florida for a variety of reasons, and when I left that bubble it exposed my entire family including myself to the realities of my issues.

There are days that I feel like I'm adrift, untethered, unable to focus or touch reality, and there are days where everything is wonderful and great. There are moments where I have a great rush of energy and excitement and can literally bounce of of the walls, and there are far too many days where I'm sluggish, tired, and unemotional for no apparent reason. On the bad days I lose patience, lash out, don't listen, am forgetful and make bizarre choices, and am condescending and generally not pleasant to be around. I never know which me I'm going to be and it can turn on a dime throughout the day. And once I'm in the bad place my wife is understandably angry and frustrated and instead of finding a way to turn it around I get incredibly defensive and even more condescending and indignant. In my heart I know I'm to blame, but in the moment my muscle memory kicks in and I feel the need to defend myself since there's nobody else around to speak up for me. It's an endless cycle, and if my wife had better access to some basic social and financial support systems here in Florida she would have left me long ago. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but often have general feelings of worthlessness.

My wife and I have tried couples therapy, and I have tried some individual therapy with limited success. I have dabbled in better eating and exercise habits, as well as natural supplements that have anecdotally helped with these issues. I find it difficult to stick with anything for more than a few weeks, whether it be due to a general lack of focus or multiple days of feeling apathetic. I have contemplated but never proceeded with a psychiatric evaluation and the inevitable endgame of hardcore medication, but I feel like that's one of my few options that is left. I've never gotten a formal diagnosis of bipolarism or autism spectrum issues, partly because I'm not sure of the steps to take to get one, and partly because through online research and self-diagnosis I have become convince that I have mostly mild cases of a number of things, but none so obvious as to be easily diagnosed.

This post has been far too long, but the bottom line is I'm looking for a place to articulate some of my frustrations with myself, and mostly to seek some advice from others who have been there before. Any help will be much appreciated!

[Hidden]

Welcome Beamrider,

You have come to the right place! This community is very active and helpful.

My daughter and I have bipolar disorder and my son has autism. We all struggle with anxiety, so I can definitely relate.

[Beamrider in reply to Hidden]

Thanks! I'm willing to try anything and I hope this community can help ! When I was alone I wasn't really hurting anyone but myself, but I have immense guilt from what I've put my family through over these past 8 years and feel like I'll never be able to make it up to them .

[Hidden in reply to Beamrider]

I think that if your family can understand that it's most likely the disorder, they won't hold it against you. No matter what is causing it, let them see that you are seeking help.

[Beamrider in reply to Hidden]

Also, any advice on the best way to get a proper bipolar diagnosis? From everything I've read that seems to be me so I'd love to have it confirmed.

[Hidden in reply to Beamrider]

I have a meeting right now but I will be happy to share a bit of my story later.

Talk to you soon.

[Hidden in reply to Beamrider]

Beamrider,

I think you are learning quite a bit about bipolar and autism and that is very good and very important. I already knew what was going on prior to my first psychiatric appointment. You know yourself better than anyone. I know myself better than any doctor who sees me for 45 minutes every month. In order for them to make an accurate diagnosis, we really need to know ourselves. I think you do.

I always knew that I was different. I have struggled with otherness all my life. Extreme anxiety was the first to come along. Then, depression found an opportunity to join. Nobody in my family said anything about anxiety and depression, so I didn't feel comfortable reaching out. I dealt with everything by isolating and trying to be invisible. Mom would scold me for walking around in a daze. I often got yelled at for being lazy.

I recall whispers about cousins who had mental illness but I didn't hear whispers often. That was them not us lol. Mom was always angry and full of energy. I think she had bipolar tendencies.

In my teenage years, I experienced extreme highs and lows. I could be very impulsive at times and I could get really obsessed with things. That went on for years.

After my daughter's psychotic episode, I finally opened my eyes. In my case, this is genetic. I started reading everything I could. I joined a NAMI support group and I took the Family to Family course. I was supposed to be learning about my daughter, but I was learning about me! I saw myself. It was time to get help. I'm glad I did because I can manage life better. I can be a better person, better parent.

[Hidden in reply to Beamrider]

Support group members were happy to recommend psychiatrists in my area. It's hard to find a good psychiatrist here. If you aren't satisfied with a doctor, try to find someone else.

[Beamrider in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for sharing! This is all very helpful!

[Hidden]

You have already taken the first step. You recognize the problem. You are on your way, my friend! If you need anything else, let me know.