Looking for a little resolve.

[Lkb1186]

Well where to begin...in the past year I lost my family. I was married to my best friend. I've never felt more connected to another soul in my life. Now I'm not religious nor do I believe in God, but if I did I'd say God sent her to me. We've both been divorced before and she had two children from her previous marriage. We then had two of our own together. After the initial first few months passed and her kids realized I wasn't going anywhere, they began to show that they did not care for me at all. Now to clarify, her first divorce was very bad. Abusive drug and alcohol addict. So after her divorce both she and her family were very protective of the kids. Then it was only the three of them for years, until I came into the picture. She and I discipline differently. Her kids never had any sort of responsibilities so they were a bit spoiled. Needless to say they refused to listen to anything I had to say because I "wasn't their real dad." A phrase I learned to live with. So fast forward to June 2018. I call on the way home from work as usual and she says we need to talk when I get home and says that I know what it is about. We hadn't been fighting so I was actually a bit clueless. She sits me down and says for the sake of her kids (the older two, not our babies) she can't continue to be with me and call herself a good mother. So after about an hour of begging, I left the house that held my only family. Quick side note that I was molested as a child from age 5-10 by my grandfather and my abusive father who blamed me for him losing his relationship with his pedophile father died about 3 years ago. My mother was out of the picture after I graduated high school to live it up with her new boyfriend (I'm 32 now for reference and graduated in 2005) and my sister can't be bothered with me. So when I say I lost my only family, I mean it. It's been half a year since I had to leave and I am the most depressed I have ever been. I see my kids regularly and she and I have stayed pretty civil. We still talk just about every day. I'm not trying to pursue her because she made it clear that I am not allowed to do so. I never stop thinking of her. She's in my mind all day and haunts my dreams at night. I regularly wake up having panic attacks now. But I try to keep this hidden from her and my babies. I just don't know what to do anymore. I lost my best friend and I'm just lost now. I get told by friends "get a hobby" or "it'll get better with time" etc etc. I have hobbies and no it hasn't gotten better. I have no desire to be with anyone else. And I'll say this as well, I've been broken up with before and been divorced once before. I'm aware there are plenty of fish in the sea. I don't care. I just want to be back in control of my life. I've not been diagnosed with depression, but I've looked up symptoms and read enough to know that I probably have it. Every day just seems pointless. I know I have my children, but I just feel useless and want to crawl inside myself. I hope this doesn't all sound like whining, but I don't have any outlet to talk about it and I'm a bit of a homebody and island as a person. I hope I can find a bit of resolve here. Thanks for taking the time to read the disaster that is my life.

[Agora1]

Lostdad86, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you in your life. You have literally had the rug pulled out from under you. When things happen unexpectedly, our

world is shattered. It's only been 6 months since this happened to you. Your heart has

a big hole in it where once your true love and family were. I know it hurts and it hurts

bad. You're grieving the loss of someone you are still connected with because of the children. Know that people mean well by their suggestions but only you have control

over your life.

The panic attacks come in the night as a release from your chaotic life. Both past and present. Once you are able to make peace with what you have been given, the panic

will start to settle down. There is no magic switch to turn off. The memories of your

life are all tucked away in your subconscious mind that tends to repeat itself each nite.

You need to find a professional who can help you grieve and let out the fears you display

in your life. Possibly even some short term medication can help you go forward in finding

yourself again. I'm glad you found this support forum. I have heard your story with others who have struggled and may be the support system that will help you get through

this most difficult journey of your lifetime.

Welcoming you Lostdad to this amazing forum. Keep strong, stay positive as we help you

one step at a time. You are never alone. x

[Lkb1186 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's comforting hearing reassuring words from people instead of just the same repetitive suggestions I get from friends. This forum is definitely helping me feel less alone.

[Eowyn7]

I'm so sorry all that happened to you. You are still grieving so it is hard to see right now. But things can get better. Your kids need you.

Do you have any pets or can you adopt one? That might help with the loneliness. Keep reaching out on this forum, we are all here to support each other

[Lkb1186 in reply to Eowyn7]

Thank you so much for replying to my story. Unfortunately the apartments I live in do not allow pets. I'd love to have one for the companionship. But I definitely intend to keep reaching out. It's helped so far just to get it all out in the open.

[Hidden]

that all sounds really sad and i do understand why you would be depressed, being seperated from someone you love can take a long time to get over and though it does not seem like it now it will happen in the end, moving on is hard and hard knowing where to go from here, life will get better and perhaps some medical help would help the situation and someone too talk to about what has happened to your life, most people would be depressed in your situation and perhaps some kind of support group like this one and any others out there may help you to see that what you are feeling is normal and other people have been through it and did come out the other side in the end and laughed and loved again, be strong good luck take care

[SirGrits]

Hang in there Lostdad. You're amongst friends here. The only advice I have is that you don't need to be too hard on yourself.