Going through a divorce and don't know if I can make it.

[foobarbaz]

My life is in shambles. I am getting a divorce after an almost 10 year marriage with two kids. My wife has serious psychological issue that she has never really dealt with properly, and intuitively I feel like I've been extremely abused over the years, but I've been trained to believe that I am the abuser and just feel lost.

On top of that I've been unemployed for a few months and it is driving me crazy. I think my wife lost patience since I am pretty much at my wits end and have nothing left to give that she can take, so she is going with another man. Like I never even mattered to her at all. Makes me feel like such a fool.

I have been working for several years to teach myself software engineering and am pretty confident in my knowledge and skills, but haven't actually been able to break into the industry and have only ever worked shit jobs. Makes me feel like a failure.

I am in so much debt thanks to my wife's insane spending habits. I think I have more debt piled up than money I have ever made throughout my whole life. I have literally no friends, since even guys I've known since I was real young have pretty much morphed into my wife's friends and want nothing to do with me.

I feel like my life was stolen before it ever even began. And the worst part is, I still have strong feelings of affection and longing for my wife. Like I can't bring myself to hate her for some reason, and really just blame myself for everything that has happened.

Oh and I am afraid my health is failing, but I don't have any health insurance. I had kidney issues a few years ago and they appear to be resurfacing. The other day, my right arm started to go numb and my heart really started hurting and I was afraid I was having a heart attack. It sucks because exercise really helps me calm down, but when I work out, I start to have trace amounts of blood in my urine do to the kidney issues and it takes literally forever for my body to recover so I can't really do it.

I am terrified that the final straw will be that she goes for full custody of the kids. She barely even spends time with them, and when she does have them she usually just drops um off at her brothers and goes out with her friends. She's acting fine now, but she has a tendency of snapping at the worst possible moment, so I have no idea what to expect.

I am not trying to get sympathy, like I wasn't always the best husband, and I've done and said some pretty horrible things to my wife over the years. But it's like she works day in and day out to bring out the worst in me, and then acts like I'm such an abusive person when I finally snap. Even though she literally does whatever to get me to that point in the first place, including physical violence with weapons. I just want some direction.

But the thing is, her life is great. She acts like she is so abused but she has a decent house (thanks to me and all my slaving and debt), a new boyfriend literally days after the divorce (actually technically before the divorce really). She has tons of friends and tons of emotional support and she still acts like the victim in all this, and everyone pretty much treats her as one, which is why I'm so confused. It is like I live in an alternate universe from everyone else around me. Only person who sees it seems to be my mom, who my wife obvious hates for it.

A few weeks ago before this happened, I signed up for a data science intensive to help me finally break into the software industry, and I already paid the deposit and now I feel like I can't even focus. Haven't written a line of code in two weeks since this saga first began. My mind won't just shut the hell up. I have a few moments of calm a day, but mostly I am just losing my mind. The program starts tomorrow and I feel like I'm gonna fail now. I have to pass the first round of tests coming in a few weeks to even get accepted into the full program, and I feel like it is hopeless now. Not to mention I have to commute almost 100 miles just to show up now that I had to move out.

This is made worse by the fact that I am staying with my mom, who's not bad (but it is so embarrassing being with my mom after a decade of independence), but I just hate the town I grew up in and have a TON of bad memories everywhere I go here. Plus it is small and just plain boring. Not that I have any money left to do anything. There is nothing to do but try to make some food deliveries on my smart phone for extra cash, which don't even come in often since this town is so damn small. I tried looking for work, I have experience with food serving and have made decent money in the past, but there aren't really a whole lot of opportunities here, and being unemployed so long and being in such a poor state makes it hard to get past an interview.

I literally feel like I am dying. Like I should just end it, but even that makes me feel selfish because I would never want to do that to my kids. And I haven't even started on what they have been through in all this marriage. I feel like a failure for not being able to protect my kids from all this, and they show obvious signs of trauma. I can barely even bring myself to talk about it. It is probably the worst part of this whole thing.

I used to think my wife was such a great person, and I still have this ideal image of her in my mind. Like my issues of allowing her to do this probably go all the way back to when I was a kid. I have always been the one to get dumped.

Literally never left a person in my life. Have attachment issues that are just like compounded insanely now. I have tried prescriptions drugs but they don't even seem to help and just make me feel tired. I feel like I've tried everything there is to try and it is just over. I am told I am a kind, intelligent and decent looking guy by some people who have tried to help, but I literally feel like an insecure, ugly, mean and helpless little boy. It is like the perfect storm, and I just wonder, if I couldn't solve any of these problems all these 30 years of life, how could I ever figure it out miraculously now?

Anyway, I'll keep going day by day, and I'll try to do my best, but it just hurts so badly, and my brain feels like it doesn't even work. My greatest strength has always been my above average intellect and my ability to stay logical when things gets crazy, but now I feel like I've lost even that.

Feel ashamed and embarrassed for even posting this honestly. But I dunno what else to do. Any ideas?

[Steadybutlonely]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Hope it helped you to write that down. Glad you could come here and share. There is something comforting or healing I find merely in sharing our struggles. I don't have any wise words of wisdom, but I hear you and I'd offer a hug if you shared that in person.

[foobarbaz in reply to Steadybutlonely]

Thanks, it really does feel good to get it out.

[Musicislikeaprayer]

Heard what you shared. You're not alone. Thank you for being so authentic and willing to share.

[Agora1]

Hi foobarbaz, I read each and every word carefully of your post.

I appreciate your opening up so honestly to us. It's easier to support

and help a person if we know what they are struggling with.

Throughout your post, I could see the mounds of obstacles you have before

you. It's very difficult when we are overwhelmed with problems in that it makes

us feel hopeless. When this happens to me, the thing I do is to reel myself in

from the mentally raging waters of the ocean. We can't think straight with our

mind ruminating with constant worries and fears. We need to be grounded.

Throughout your post, I saw it take a change that you might not have been aware of.

A change for the better in that you do have a chance to make a fresh start. Tackling

one issue at a time. Living at your moms may not be the ideal solution but right now

it's going to buy you time and give you some peace of mind financially.

Focus on the positive things that stood out for me. People have told you that you are

a kind, intelligent, nice looking guy. However, you see yourself differently but that's

because of your mental status right now. Go ahead with the data science intensive that

you signed up for. This may be the start in wiping the slate clean. Once you get back to

working you will feel productive once again. You say your greatest strength has always

been your above average intelligence and ability to stay logical. Who wouldn't want those

attributes when interviewing for a job.

Right now my friend, it's about getting you back on your feet. You can't change or control

your wife's actions or decisions. She is her own person but so are you. She can't steal

your identity. Who you are is still there within you. Pull up that strength as impossible as

it may seem right now because that is what will get you through. Once you take that first

step forward, the rest will come easier. One step at a time, work on one issue at a time.

You've got what it takes to succeed in starting over again. Believe in that as I do. xx

[foobarbaz in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much 😢. It's been so long since anyone has believed that I would do anything but fail. I really appreciate it.

[Poodie]

Hi foobarbaz.

I am sorry about this. It sounds like your wife is not what you thought she was. She has shown her true self to you now. The other people ( her

friends ) only get the person she wants them to know. She may be good at fooling them but this does not make your reality wrong. So stick with your impression here and believe in yourself.

If you can, educate yourself more about this type of person. It is very confusing because I think you fell in love with what you thought and were made to believe was her. It is called cognitive dissonance when what we now think and know to be true about a person is not what jives with the reality of others. Nor does it jive with the person she presented to you initially. Most people like this are great at fooling others because like you, initially she presents to them only what she wants them to believe about herself. They often abuse and will blame the other person for whatever goes wrong and they will project their own bad deeds or abuse often accusing the other person of the things they are guilty of.

I think if you learn what may be going on in her, you would feel much less bad about yourself. You need to learn to respect and love yourself more i e put yourself and your kids first. You do not deserve this treatment. No one deserves to be abandoned and lied to. There is really not much you can do about her. She probably sees no reason to change. She may be devoid of or have very little ability to feel or empathize with others. Her needs may always come first, above yours and also the kids.

You can, however help yourself. Please get some support either in therapy, on here in this group, or on line in groups with other people who have experienced this. Many intelligent and even people in the mental health field can get fooled by this type of person especially when they have not encountered a person like this before. Being aware they are out there helps tremendously to be able to pick up the signs more quickly so you can stay safe and avoid them as much as possible.

Most people won’t believe you (except on here) . They simply can not conceive of it ! It is not what they know, so they will take her side and befriend her. The situation is very difficult to explain to other people. But you are smart and can see what is going on. Use your intelligence to heal yourself. It will not be easy.

Stick up for yourself. Please try to get or keep at least get joint custody of you kids so you can be a good example for them. Is there any way she can be held responsible for the debt also ? Why does she have the house? Is it in both of your names? Please know your legal rights. Perhaps you can get a pro bono attorney to help you.

Take care of your heath too. You need to stay strong. It may take some time before you feel less depressed. You are mourning a lot, maybe your sense of yourself as deserving, the loss of what you thought she was, the good times you shared, the time this relationship took from your life, etc. It is very hard to be cast aside or dumped. You did not cause it but you may be vulnerable to this kind of person because maybe it is what you are familiar with. You have to learn to change that.

Congratulations for furthering your skills. You have plenty of time to move forward and better your job situation. Try not to start out by putting yourself in a position where you will take all the responsibility needlessly on yourself.

I am a woman. I really do not understand something. Why do men move out of the house?

I can,in a way see doing it for the kids, but it needs to be shared evenly.

It is just not her house. She is the one who cheated on you. She wants the divorce, right. She was unfaithful. She lied. Why not tell her you will share the house . Sleep in a separate room , take turns using the kitchen,etc.

Won’t splitting the house and selling it help you get out of debt ? Why not do this then ? Put an end to her taking advantage of you.

Both husbands and wives can be on the receiving end of this being dumped.

For once I would like the woman instigator to be asked to move. Why not?

Look, I know you are feeling awful. The pain of this is intense. I have been hurt a few people like this, but I was not married for 10 years and did not have kids as you do which makes yours worse. . But I was not the strongest person in the world so it badly affected me and the time I loved one person, it took me years to figure out and get over it. But then I learned that I did not love the person he really was. I came to the realization even though it had been 7 yrs that I really did not know him. I was put out with the trash. How could he do that I asked myself.

Well I probably went on way too long. Sorry. And maybe I have your wife all wrong . That is up to you to decide. I think I rant about it because I do not like this happening to people and I see it happen more often then I ever thought I would. I hate innocent, honest people being taken advantage of in this way. These ruin lives so much that it almost seems it should be illegal.

For your and your kids sake, believe in yourself ! If I did it, you can too. Look up something on line and find a web site and group. That is what helped me first gain understanding and strength. Believe me I was down and out too.

Best wishes to you. I know you can move on from this. I hope you keep posting.

[foobarbaz in reply to Poodie]

Thank you so much, I'm glad to hear from someone who knows what it is like. Your story gives me hope for the future. Sometimes, in brief moments of clarity, I feel like my life can finally start.

We were married so young I never really dated. I never lived alone. I need to build some self respect and some self worth and stand on my own. It just feels like I am out of time, because of everything at once. But maybe I'm not.

I do feel so behind though, and so lost. Being a man with two children, I really feel so guilty that I can't offer those kids a healthy mother. I honestly feel like I want to jump right back in and find "the one", but I know that I can't. I doubt any good woman wants to raise someone else's kids anyway 😞. And I probably wouldn't even recognize her right now if she was right in front of me. I'm afraid of the women I'm attracted to.

As far as the house, she just won't leave. Either I had to leave or continue to put up with her crap, which after her new boyfriend only escalated to the nth degree. I'm afraid if I fight I will lose the kids.

She says we will split the debt, and the kids. I honestly don't care about the house if I can just manage that much. Plus it's just a rental. I was gonna buy her a house years ago, but she utterly destroyed my credit just as I was about to apply for a mortgage, because some girl at work got my number and texted me. So I guess I'm a cheat because of that and deserved it🙄

She honestly shit in her own bed. I would have really done anything to take care of her properly and I was well on my way in the beginning. This new guy seems like even more of a narcissist than she is, so maybe she'll finally learn what it feels like. Depends on which one of them is more pathological.

Honestly though, i still feel guilty like I should protect her from this new psycho. I even tried to, this isn't the first time she's been with him. I let so much go to protect her, maybe now it's her turn to fall down and pick her own self up.

I don't know really even how to seek out a lawyer, or even defend myself properly, so I'm banking on the fact that she will be too lazy to take any action.

She's usually more concerned with pleasing herself in the immediate future anyhow. I did all the paperwork myself and that's usually how it goes. Just eagerly awaiting the status conference when these details are set in stone.

The night I left, I puke 6 times out of pure anxiety. I couldn't believe she would cheat on me AGAIN, with the same fucking guy. It's like my brain finally lost all ability to make excuses for her in that moment and just utterly panicked. I've never experienced anything like that before.

But now I feel like it's trying to go back and find an excuse for her again. I wish I could stop it. I wish I had a friend to turn to. I'm too scared and ashamed to try and find another girl, and I honestly don't want to become the kind of person who uses people like she is. I really want a meaningful relationship. But it's so hard being alone. And I'm not used to being without intimacy. It's very hard. I really want the comfort of a woman like I am so used to.

I hope I don't just become a monster out of all this. I really just want a good woman to take care of and who really loves me as much as I love her. But I feel like it will take ages if it ever happens at all. What is a guy supposed to do?

So far I'm just staying celibate but that won't work forever. Anyway I'm just ranting now. Thanks for your letter though. I haven't even been allowed to talk to another female in almost 10 years so it's good to hear from the female perspective that what she is doing really is wrong. Thank you, really.

[Poodie in reply to foobarbaz]

Thank you. I hope you use your wisdom to make a better life. Good luck to you.

[WVArcher]

I’ve been there. You most definitely aren’t alone. Opening up here and some real soul searching over the last 3 years brought me to realize that I am better off without her. I’m a better father and all around person. She held me back and taught me to believe I had issues. She had issues with me being myself and not conforming to her ever changing standards.

You can be the person you want to become and reinvent yourself however you like. Journaling and reading helped me stay busy and focused during the tough times. This may sound silly, but collecting and using fountain pens in my journals forced me to think about writing and take my time. I use the writing as a form of reflection on my past and a vision of the future.

Friends are only as good as their actions. Some will stand by you to the end. If they don’t then they aren’t worth calling a friend.

Everyone I’ve met here so far has been very understanding and warm welcoming. Feel free to talk openly. We may not have answers but will gladly listen and try to help.

[foobarbaz in reply to WVArcher]

Glad to hear your doing well. Can I ask you honestly, have you had any luck dating?

Marriage has always been kind of a dream for me, I dunno if I can let that go, have any advice on how to find a good one? Assuming everything goes well through my intensive I could potentially land a really great job and don't want to just get robbed again.

[WVArcher in reply to foobarbaz]

I am currently seeing someone. It’s going well so far. Finding a “good one” just takes meeting people and following your instincts. If something doesn’t add up, she isn’t right for you. In my case, I have a son. She has 2 daughters. Everyone gets along great and it’s been almost 3 months

Take your time and find yourself before you get serious about dating.

[foobarbaz in reply to WVArcher]

Yeah, I have another question that's kinda embarrassing. When I was young I had a huge porn problem. Being married kinda solved it, it hasn't resurfaced yet the tension is building as time goes on.

Any advice on this maybe? Should I just do it and not feel so bad? I really don't want to get readdicted, I don't think it would help me find a good woman, but I dunno how much longer I can hold out.

Glad to hear your working it out. I hope it goes well for you. I agree I want to establish my career first, just scared of going through the same thing again.

[WVArcher in reply to foobarbaz]

I’ll answer that one in pm.

[Tikirob]

Good post. You got so much out of your system you needed too. You were filled with all this pent up emotion and able to get it out in words without punching wholes in a wall. The ship is sinking and you need a life boat. Well many of us can relate and will respond to help. Yet I think you may not need it as much you think. You are a computer programmer. You can correct scripts when something is causing an error or a loop. So I ask you - if your mind was a program with a glitch what would be your first instinct as to what the problem is? You have your mother, your point of view, two nice kids, and you are willing to learn new things, so there are some positives in your post. Sounds like you are still in love with who your wife could of been and not what she became. I’ve met many people who have rebounded to do great things and others fall from grace. Study for that test! Keep up with your kids as best as you can and allow yourself to live with what’s going on now. You have steps in front of you to make and you can make them.

[foobarbaz in reply to Tikirob]

Yeah I appreciate your encouragement man, you make a lot of good points. Guess I'm just afraid of falling from Grace as you put it, but your right, I am exceptional at solving problems.

This just seems like a different kind of problem. Not one with logical step or any clear solution, but an emotional one with so much confusion it's driving me nuts. But already talking on here is helping a lot. Thanks again

[Tikirob in reply to foobarbaz]

Exactly it’s the emotions that get the best of us and I say that from my own experience. So many opportunities I gave up because I became depressed over something or because I felt unloved. I had a similar situation. Ten year relationship, no kids though, but basically everyone took my fiancé’s side cause I was mentally ill. I’m not saying you are mentally ill but it sounds like you are going through some some type of inner struggle. And for these problems we need support, guidance, and compassion. Have you spoken to any clinicians about your situation? I know this sounds corny maybe but have you YouTubed any Tony Robins lectures on change?

[foobarbaz in reply to Tikirob]

Yeah I watch that kinda stuff all the time, or I don't think I'd have even made it this far. Honestly I have been in and out of severe depressions since I hit puberty.

I went from a straight A student to utterly failing basically overnight. I always assumed it had something to do with growing up poor and without a father or many friends. Everything has pretty much always felt hopeless since then, with a few spouts of optimism mixed in.

Just scared because every time I try to change I always somehow end up right back to where I am now, only this feels worse than ever now. Is this just my destiny? It's horrifying, bit I don't really know how to give up either so maybe I'll make it.

I used to have a decent therapist but I can't afford her anymore. Honestly it kinda pisses me off that I have to pay someone to talk to me though. Like how is that supposed to assure me that they even care? Feels more like a transaction honestly.

I have been struggling over the last few weeks to try to organize some of my thoughts and experiences into a book. But fuck man, I see so many people with friends and good relationships and I'm just like, why can't I get a piece of that for once.

It's the same reason I've struggled to enter the software field professionally. I have worked for free in open source for years, and am probably more skilled than a lot of working professionals. But I can never get past the interview, I can never make a genuine connection. It just sucks. It looks like they are just looking for buddies, not programmers. It's annoying.

I want to start my own company but I come up utterly short on inspiration. Creativity was never my strong suite although I've always admired it greatly.

Obviously I need to get better at negotiating and fostering rapport in relationships ( got that from Tony Robbins just yesterday actually ). I also really appreciate the sentiments of Jordan Peterson on taking responsibility and getting your act together.

It's just like, when is any of that ever going to actually manifest? Maybe now that my wife is out of the picture I can make some real progress. I have made a lot of progress over the years, only to have her shenanigans throw me back into the thick of it.

Even just talking about this right now is helping to clarify the horrible truth. Maybe she was sabotaging me on purpose? I never wanted to believe that, and it's hard to admit, but it's just, every time things were looking up in our relationship, some epic tragedy would somehow manifest in her out of nowhere and totally take priority.

I just can't understand why. Maybe there is no good reason. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to accept, as a guy who always wants a coherent answer to a difficult problem, it's so hard to just leave it without any sort of satisfying answer.

I've come up with so many theories but they all fall short. Honestly this is the one time in my life where I feel like I wish my brain would just quit.

[Tikirob in reply to foobarbaz]

It’s always the why!!! I hear you! That why has put more people out of work than any other question. I was just saying this in a different post, that I was so afraid of just being myself. Accepting that I have a very curious mind that spends more time questioning then doing. Why do I do this? Why do I spend so much time in my own head because it’s delaying me from becoming who I am. I am so afraid to become myself. By not taking the steps of independence and self actualization I get to be a kid who is avoiding the adult world and who is protecting himself from getting old and passing on.

Yet you could be the most successful person in life, beautiful loving wife, great job, wonderful social life, and still be like why? Why are we born, why am I so fortunate and others aren’t, etc.

I haven’t practiced it too much but I definitely know the more I am active the less I am thinking about the mistakes, the unfairness, the self hatred, the play outs.

Why do bad things happen to good people is always the one that comes up too. Imagine at that moment instead of asking the question walking up to a person you know is good and giving them a present for know reason. And now imagine that the good person pays if foward to another person. And as you are watching that happens someone taps you on the back and hand you a present.

You are there, you know what’s up. The weight of this life experience is just very heavy. Feel free to IM me if needed and I will do my best to respond or respond here. I’m not closing off the convo just letting you know. I really want to advocate for better mental health care. I am in my fourth year of treatment and after so much struggle I am starting to finally see some light.

[Poodie]

There is no answer to some questions. But I spent lots of time questioning why he was the way he was. I think now, that this was my way to avoid the painful questions I had to ask myself about why I was attracted to this type of person. You will go back and forth with your feelings for her. It’s a process and it takes time to get through to the other side. But it is doable and you will be a lot wiser about people in the future. It is just plain hard.

[foobarbaz in reply to Poodie]

Thanks for this, I'm starting to realize it too.

[SuZQ154]

Your honesty and willingness to share are the beginning to "moving forward".

It's admirable!!! And healthy!!

What do you believe your next "healthy" steps would be? Looking at the other person's role is important to move forward healthily, and it is even more important to examine our own behaviors, with a willingness to change if we need to. When my ex- left me for another woman, I had to look at ME very closely. I have changed...it took time, effort, brutal honesty, Christian counseling, a commitment to exercise, sleep, eat right, pray, go to church, etc. and a willingness to forgive him and myself! It worked. I am moving forward and trusting God!

Again, what do you believe your next "healthy" steps to move forward could be?

[foobarbaz in reply to SuZQ154]

Well after trying to maintain communication, because she said she wants to be "friends", I realize I can't do that.

So I cut her off and just don't talk to her, and it helps a lot. She messes with my head too much, it's really scary actually. I wish I could exercise more, but the whole kidney thing kinda prevents it. I am going to church and studying every day so I can get through my intensive and get a better job by the summer.

Then maybe I could afford to take care of my kidney issues and get working on a down payment for a house.

[SuZQ154]

You sound like you have set smart boundaries with your wife. I do believe in fighting for our marriages, but that sometimes requires healthy boundaries! You might want to check out this book on that bit.ly/2YGTAvZ You sound like you are moving forward which is awesome. Please keep posting and letting us know how things are progressing. Blessings!