Yesterday I finally called my mother about how horrible she has ben to all her children. I mean screaming at us for 5 days straight. She would use gods will to her advantage. I was in a cast from my neck to my groin and had to wear braces and use a walker to move about. I was recovering from spinal cancer. She said it was god's will to become a preacher. She went to school for that and left me home alone all day long to fend for myself so she would not have to take care of me. Out of her 5 kids she made me pay rent none of the others had to. I had to start paying when I was 18 I was still in school. It took a long time to forgive her. But she still continues to judge all of her children. She moved half way across the country and I am the only one of her children that will let her stay at their house. Since my wife is leaving me I told her she has no where to stay. I also told her that If she did not get help and repair her relationships with all of her children I would be done with her. She was never there for me when I needed her she was verbally abusive. She ran half way across the country when I needed help raising a child of my own while crippled and working. In a way I am glad she moved so far away but I miss my father and he is depressed. He followed her because he loves her, but he paid a high price. He lost his family and friends for his wife. Anyway after confronting her and taking control of our relationship. I feel a little less depressed, but my anxiety is not doing well.
I finally stood up for myself! - Anxiety and Depre...
Anxiety and Depression Support
You stood up for what was right, and if she really cares she'll fix the relationship. I think you should stay in contact with your dad without talking to your mom
My father refuses to get help for his PTSD and depression. He is not taking care of himself and his health is not good. I told him I would keep in contact if he gets treatment, but I can't sit her and watch him die. So right now it is up to him if we keep in contact. I hope this pushes him to get help. If not I will probably go back on my word I do care about him, he is just so stubborn
Just remember that a leopard doesn't change their spots, and even though you had this talk for you with your mother for you...which was good....don't expect it to be a long lasting change, as usually an absentee and abusive parent isn't able to change. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that you did with her, it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t deserve this, and I do understand. I grew up in and out of foster homes when my mother wanted her space to do her own thing. She too was abusive..And it never stopped until I stopped it. I cut myself off from her over 12 years ago, and I've never looked back.
Some people just don't have it in them to be giving, and some are just abusive because they are....we cannot expect them to give us what they don't have to give. We either accept them as they are....and keep taking the occasional blow, or we move on in our life. It's not your job to rescue her or be there for her....even though she may be a biological parent, she's never been what a parent should have been to you. It's hard to accept that. Many of us here have gone through this too....my mother is a sociopath, and is incapable of empathy, or remorse, or the ability to take responsibility for her actions. I don't hate her, but she is toxic to me, and actually I’m numb when I think about her, I feel nothing....so it's no contact.
You will have to decide for yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with her, but I would talk to a therapist to help you sort that out if you can.
I'm not sure ultimatums will work. If you truly love your dad you shouldn't put ultimatums on your relationship. It doesn't sound like he's toxic like your mom.
As far as your mom goes I agree with faux. I've been through it. Everything she says is how I see it.