Super Anxious and Suicidal: I just... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support
35,730 members38,093 posts

Super Anxious and Suicidal

Finx
Finx
21 Replies

I just joined and am looking for some online support. I have had a series of jobs over the years including the one I have now and never felt like they fit me. I feel like a fraud and unsuccessful while everyone around me thrives at their jobs. It makes me so anxious and I keep having a pity party in my head for how I ended up here. I have a great wife and two great teenagers, but the anxiety and depression I feel about my lack of success is all consuming. I've sought help with a psychiatrist and therapist in the past but medicine and talk therapy never helped me.

I can't keep dumping on my wife or good friends so I now hide how I feel. They were a huge help when I first came clean about my feelings, but I am not making any progress and don't want to keep spinning the same record with them.

I think about ending my life every day. It's always on my mind. I just keep pushing through each day, but I don't see how I can make it through the rest of my life when every day is like a mountain to climb.

Just looking for some kind words. Hopefully I can pay it back some time. Thanks for listening.

21 Replies
oldestnewest
Iloveart7

Welcome, you'll definitely find that your not alone here. (((Hugs)))

1 like
Reply
Mistykitten

I was suicidal about 4wks ago. If you end your life, what is that going to solve?? Actually it will leave unanswered questions, and more hurt. It won't solve a thing. That's the realization I had to come to, you need a good friend who you can spend time with. In the meantime, I am willing to text with you all night if I have to, I want you to be safe! My mom always told me "this too shall pass" I hated it when she used to say it, but it is true. You have to get up and make yourself do something. A hobby? woodworking? maybe take a class a the local community center? You have to be active in your own care, and you have to care for yourself first. I care about you because you are a human being, I am sitting in that boat with you my friend, I know how you feel. Please DON'T hurt yourself. Text me, I will try to check this site at least once a day looking for you. Stay strong.... Mistykitten

3 likes
Reply
Finx
Finx
in reply to Mistykitten

Thank you so much for the kind reply. I am not in immediate danger but am having a hard time seeing path that brings me somewhere happier. I am happy to have found this forum. This is not a new feeling for me, and I have tried taking on personal health projects. I actually lost 45 lbs this year and exercise a lot now, but while reaching that milestone felt good, I no longer have a project. I keep trying to fill my time with things outside of work, but it's hard to fake it all the time for so many hours at work. I feel so inauthentic realizing that no one really knows me or my struggles.

I love what you said about sitting in the boat with me. I really appreciate it. I'll be posting again.

Reply
Mistykitten
Mistykitten
in reply to Finx

Congratulations on overweight loss! I know how hard it can be. We are like twins! I also lost a lot of weight. 100lbs, gained back 30 and lost another 40lbs in the past three months. You reached your milestone, so set another. Why can't you be yourself at work? Don't You think your coworkers would rather know the real you rather than a facade? If they don't like the real you to heck with them. You have to be true to yourself. It must be very tiring to put on the "fake" work clothes, and then "take" them off when you get home. I mean no disrespect to you at all when I said that! I am agreeing with you. We both just joined this forum, and I am convinced that the "oars" to our Boat lay within the words We will hear from other people. At that time, with our oars, we WILL find our path out! We both have to keep on trucking! (I'm dating myself).

1 like
Reply
Sprinkle1

Believe me Finx, I know how you feel, and I think you need to be on an antidepressant. I just spent several painful months in a clinical depression with severe anxiety,, and I planned ways to kill myself. I have tried twice in the past and was caught both times. Believe me it is not worth it, you have a lot to live for, your children and wife need you and love you. As to the job situation, I say get yourself well, look for something that will be fulfilling for you, what other people are doing does not count, that is them and they may be unhappy also. I think you need a good therapist you can explore yourself with, it can be painful but so rewarding. I have had a lot of therapy, it was all to my benefit it made such a big difference in my life. We love you, even though we do not know you yet, this is a safe place to blow of steam, so talk to us, we will do our best to offer you sound help. Be true to yourself and love yourself, you have no clue as to what other people are doing, or going thru and it does not do you good to try and think about it, it is you who needs to get well and enjoy life to the fullest. Talk to your Dr. an antidepressant can make a world of difference, I cannot function without them, when I tried to quit,, my Dr. challenged me, Dr "Would you take insulin if you were diabetic" me "Yes", "If you had a bad heart would you take your med?" me "Yes" she told me this is no different you need this, so I take it everyday and am grateful. I did not get ill because I stopped the med, I built up a tolerance so we had to find me something else.

I send you love, peace and strength - you can do it. Sprinkle 1.........xx

Reply
Finx
Finx
in reply to Sprinkle1

Thank you Sprinkel1. I've told my wife before about being suicidal. She's made a point that it would ruin my kids lives. So in a strange way I feel like as a parent I have to feel the burden of my pain so I don't bring it on to them. That's literally the only thing that keeps me going. It's just hard living like this in every moment. I cannot escape it and am so jealous of anyone that looks carefree. I have tried anti depressants several times but I did not find them helpful and I hated the side effects, especially the impact on my sleep. I will reach back out to a therapist to at least start talk therapy again. But thank you for listening and responding. It's nice to be connected. Best.

1 like
Reply
Lins345
Lins345
in reply to Sprinkle1

That's a really good reply but where I live you can't get therapy on the NHS...just wanted to add that incase anyone else can't get therapy

Reply
Sprinkle1
Sprinkle1
in reply to Lins345

Are you in UK? My Mother got therapy on NHS, perhaps they have changed the plan that was about 30 years ago. Talk to your Dr. I am sure there has to be some help. UK is doing a great job with mental health, better than here in America, where it is pay, pay, pay!!!! Sprinkle 1.......

Reply
Lins345

My own Dr doesn't seem bothered about going ahead with a safeguard meeting, so I can't see him pushing the mental health for me

Reply
Finx

I have for the last few days tried to come online and read posts related to mine to find some peace and hope, but to be honest what I am looking for seems elusive - success stories about people who have overcome the debilitating anxiety I have every morning. I spent the last 25 years working down various career paths that were all bad choices to me, and now I feel so stuck and so limited in my options. What strikes me is on paper I look fine and successful, but I suffer every moment of every day. And I mostly suffer in silence. I'm 47 and I have a hard time seeing how I will every make it to 50. I keep saying take it a day at a time, but the days are long and take everything out of me. I feel like I am only staying because of my teenage kids. They are on great trajectories right now for their life, and I know if I ended mine I would derail them. I keep wondering how old do they have to be when it would impact them the least and can I hold on that long. Keep day dreaming about my funeral and how surprised my community of people would be that I was this unhappy. I just cannot find joy inside myself. Please help with any more words of encouragement. And thank you.

Reply
Calm_mama
Calm_mama
in reply to Finx

Hi Finx,

Folks get better and when that happens most stop posting. This is good news, people recover:) but it can be frustrating for someone looking for recovery stories.

I am hearing a sense of hopelessness and depression but I am also hearing the anxiety you are feeling. If you'd like, take a look at my profile and check out the resources I like so much. Please check out Dr. Claire Weekes in particular. She was a genius. A brilliant woman who not only understood anxiety completely (and how to recover), but really understood the anxiety-depression connection. You will see that she is mentioned often on this forum, and you can look at her book reviews on Amazon (or other) and see how highly rated she is. She truly, truly got it. I think that if you listen to her (she has recordings, too) and read her books you will see what I mean. Anxiety so often leads to depression. And why wouldn't it? Anxiety leads people to a place of bewilderment, and then feelings of disintegration. People then lose all confidence and become indecisive. It is only natural that depression sets in. She explains this so well, and gives the keys to recovery for so many.

I agree with others that a good therapist, one who really knows anxiety and depression, and knows different modalities of therapy (not just talk therapy- they should know CBT, DBT and ACT as well) can be incredibly helpful. Talk therapy is needed for some people, but many people do not have some deep, underlying issue that is contributing to how they feel (which is the focus of talk therapy). When that is the case, CBT is usually the most effective form of therapy for depression and anxiety. But one size does not fit all. Talk to people- find reviews- find a really good therapist for this.

Side note: If you read/listen to Dr. Weekes, know that she understood how CBT applied to anxiety and depression recovery. She does not mention it ever (who cares what the approach is, as long as it helps!), but make no mistake- much of her approach to recovery is CBT based.

Lastly, I assume you've seen the doc to make sure there is no medical issue contributing to how you feel?

Wishing you all the best~

Reply
Mistykitten

Hi Finx, I hope you are feeling a little better today than the other day. I'm glad to see you ae here.

Reply
Finx
Finx
in reply to Mistykitten

I did get to a therapist last night who I’ve seen before. It’s nice to vent but I’ve been down this road and no therapist can fix me I know. Just trying to keep my head above water. Thanks for reaching out.

Reply
notlrac

Hi Finx...I'm also a 47 year old male, married, with one beautiful daughter that is 11. Suffice to say, I am feeling very much like you, my friend. Very much. Every day is a struggle of loneliness inside, fear, crying, and wishing I had never been born. Only my love for my daughter keeps me from hitting the bottom. I could go on and on, but I know your thread isn't the place for it. Just know there are others out there that understand at least a little bit of what you're going through.

Reply
Finx
Finx
in reply to notlrac

Thank you for the response. It really resonated with me. I feel terribly isolated out here. Hide my real feelings from everyone because even those close to me have heard it before and I can’t burden them over and over. Nice to be connected online.

Every day is a struggle for me. One day is like 1000 days. I feel every minute. It’s exhausting. That’s why it’s hard to imagine continuing on for years more. I don’t see how to handle it. But my burden as a parent is mine not my kids, and I can’t ruin them I get it. Just feels like I wasted my life. All I can do is set my kids up so they don’t repeat my mistakes. Please stay in touch. Thanks.

Reply
notlrac

I've been unemployed, and not actively looking for work, for 2 years now. I'm more or less a stay at home parent, taking my daughter to all her activities. Problem is, I have a lot of time on my hands to ruminate on my troubles and anxieties. I tell myself, what's the point of getting a job you will just hate, and now I'm "old" compared to so many others, so I just don't want to deal with it. Then that leads me to thinking what's the whole point of life? I've tried to find meaning in religion and other things, but I'm filled with doubts and fears. My best friend, I'm talking from when we were 13 years old, died suddenly of cardiac arrest at 41. This was back in 2013. He left his kids behind, about the same age as.my daughter is now. We were the same age, and he was closer to me than my brother. We had so many similarities, grew up together, and talked all the time. I never had a lot of friends, but once he died it left me rudderless. I still have no friends. Just my wife and daughter. We moved to a new city and state for her job 2 years ago. I friggin hate it here. I have many health issues and scares, and bad health anxiety. Let me tell you, I get overwhelmed often, breaking down crying by myself. I truly feel hopeless. All the time. I rarely if ever feel good. And right now, for health reasons, I'm only taking a low dose of Klonopin for anxiety, and no antidepressants for the first time in years. I feel like I'm dangling over a cliff, barely holding on. It sucks to say the least.

Reply

Hey! Feel free to message me! I am a triple board certified DNP in psychiatric, trauma, and primary care, here to help!

Reply
Finx

Thx for the offer. I need help for sure. I’m seeing a therapist now but it only helps as an escape for the hour. I suffer inside so badly. I am not a drug or alcohol user but have a romantic vision of the escape it must provide. I just read about a newscaster who committed suicide and I wasn’t upset. Instead I wondered if I have the courage. The pain is present all the time. I feel sorry for myself because I’ve had opportunities that others maybe haven’t and I’ve not fulfilled them. The only thing keeping me on this earth is my teenage boys. If I could be assured they would be ok I would depart but I am so afraid I will condemn them to a life of pain. I don’t know what to do. It’s awful to feel stuck. I just want to connect with more people like me.

Reply
melantha

Well you’re in the right place for connecting with more people like you. That is precisely why I joined because I felt so alone in all this and like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, especially when it comes to the suicidal feelings. You describe it so well. Like how you don’t really think it to be bad (you weren’t upset about the newscaster) and how you definitely seem to want to but don’t simply because of the tremendous pain it would cause your family. That sounds just like me. I carry on for them, but if it were just me alone that would be a different story. That would just make things so much easier. I’m glad I have people like you to talk with about this because if I told anyone else they would probably think I’m crazy. This is the one place I’ve found where I don’t feel that way.

Reply
Finx
Finx
in reply to melantha

Was reviewing this reply again as it really resonated with me. I am desperate to connect with people like me and where I don’t have to fake how I feel. Wondering how you are doing and if you’ve gotten support connecting here.

Reply
Igor4253

I’m here pm I will help any way I can

Reply

You may also like...