Feeling hopeless

[Finx]

I have for the last few days tried to come online and read posts related to mine to find some peace and hope, but to be honest what I am looking for seems elusive - success stories about people who have overcome the debilitating anxiety I have every morning. I spent the last 25 years working down various career paths that were all bad choices to me, and now I feel so stuck and so limited in my options. What strikes me is on paper I look fine and successful, but I suffer every moment of every day. And I mostly suffer in silence. I'm 47 and I have a hard time seeing how I will every make it to 50. I keep saying take it a day at a time, but the days are long and take everything out of me. I feel like I am only staying because of my teenage kids. They are on great trajectories right now for their life, and I know if I ended mine I would derail them. I keep wondering how old do they have to be when it would impact them the least and can I hold on that long. Keep day dreaming about my funeral and how surprised my community of people would be that I was this unhappy. I just cannot find joy inside myself. Please help with any more words of encouragement. And thank you.

[Hidden]

Wow....you sound like me. I am 48 with teenagers, and the same debilitating problems. I am looking for answes and hope like you are. What I can offer you is friendship. And this site does have stories like that, and people to encourage you. You are not alone in your dark tunnel....I am in the one right next to you.....give a shout when you need to...

[Finx in reply to Hidden]

So nice to connect with someone who feels like me. I try to rationalize all the time by listing how things could be worse but I have trouble finding joy in what I have. Thanks for your kind words.

[Hannah712]

I am sorry this is your reality right now , I know how hard it is to keep going when you just want the pain to end but I’m here to tell you that ending your life is not the answer . It’s not it’s not it’s not ! Your kids will never be old enough for the impact to be less , trust me I have adult children now and a grandchild , it doesn’t work that way. There will be a hole in their lives bigger than you can imagine, I’ve seen first hand what that decision does to those left behind. PLEASE DONT! You can’t do this alone , do you have a counselor and a doctor? You need them, if they aren’t helpful get new ones. Find a group that’s face to face like this, if there isn’t one near you find a similar or relateable one . Be with people even if you don’t want it. Try exercising even if it’s just a walk , take those thoughts captive the second they enter your mind , distract yourself focus on good , volunteer somewhere. Do something. Do you pray ? If yes do it often even if you don’t feel anything. If you don’t I’ll pray for you even if you don’t believe - it can’t hurt.

Hang on , one minute at a time.

Love and peace to you !

[Hidden]

I am 48 with one son who is 27 and will graduate with a degree in Pharmacology in May.

I too seem to have it all together from outside appearances...but it is a facade.

The term I recently learned is hidden depression.

Suicidal ideation or rhougjts of suicide plague me as well. I have come to understand that it is a coping mechanism. I have given up so I feel a sense of relief.

I also worry about my age and my future work...am I too old and no longer even physically capable? Do I have time to start a new career?

As with you, I use my child as my reason to go on sometimes. But no matter the age, suicide will devastate your children. They will suffer guilt wondering why they weren't enough...why you couldn't come to them.

And it makes it ok for them to do the same when life gets tough.

Talk to your kids. Be honest. Tell them you struggle...that you're scared.

And that you will always be there...for them.

[Finx in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply. Yes hidden depression is about right. I say that I suffer in silence. My kids are only teens. I feel like they have enough pressure of just living life as a teen and it’s selfish for me to add on to that by sharing what’s going on with me. That by itself could derail them. I feel like my burden as a parent is to keep it from them. I know ending my life would devastate them. It’s just that I don’t have enough that keeps me happy or anything to look forward to besides them. Is it really enough to just keep going for them when I feel so empty.

[Hidden in reply to Finx]

I understand. I didn't completely open up to my son until about a year ago.

And I understand shouldering the burden for your children. I worked a life-draining job for 19 years to take care of my son.

As he neared graduation...I resigned to try and work on me.

What I now know, is that hidden depression, putting on that public face, is exhausting to maintain. It takes everything you have and leaves nothing.

You need to start dealing with it. A simple step...medication through your GP, therapy, posting/replying here...will give you a more positive outlook. It is not a miracle. It is the act of trying. Fighting for the chance at happiness.

And I will tell you. If you have a loving relationship with your kids, they will understand alot better than you think. You don't have to tell them everything. Just that you're worried about your career...

And it lets them know it's ok to talk.

[AZ1970]

Finx,

I am glad to hear that you are holding on for your children. You are correct: losing you would devastate them. That won't change as they get older. You sound very depressed and suicidal. Please reach out to your doctor or even go to the emergency room. There is help and you can feel a lot better.

[Roulette21]

I have wasted most of my adult life by being depressed and anxious and I am almost 55. I have thought about ending my life here on earth but I am afraid I would not go to Heaven if I did that. I had a fiance' who committed suicide in 2013. It almost killed me. He struggled with alcoholism and just gave up on trying to stay sober.

You will impact your children and grandchildren for many, many years if you end your life. I know it seems like death is the only way to get relief...trust me, I feel like this too sometimes.

After my fiance's suicide, my daughter said to me "I think it is selfish of 'us' to be angry at him for ending his life. It was his life, not ours."

Please call someone, anyone. Even a suicide prevention hotline. Do it for your children.

I am not a success story by far. I just started taking Buspar and hoping that will help.

I pray constantly. I do not know how to 'let go and let god". I just hope the lord will have mercy on my stupid soul and help me deal with my mental illness. It may not be his will that I am healed....I just don't know.....

[Rowand]

So sorry you are feeling this way. Have you considered seeing a counselor? Just the anxiety alone is horrific, and it seems like there are more things going on. Maybe it's time to end the silence and reach out for help (this was a good first step by the way!). There is a really good article that shows how anxiety and depression may be linked and how to get help. Please take a look. bit.ly/2Bq80G3. It may give you some ideas. Please tell yourself you are valued and loved, because you are. You are not alone.

[Beevee]

Pick up a copy of any book published by the late Dr Claire Weekes and apply her teachings in full. There is no magic pill to make it all go away but a change in attitude as to how you deal with the symptoms of anxiety and depression will pay dividends. Sufferers continue to suffer because they don’t understand what is happening to them and why so continue to do what comes naturally. They fight the symptoms, they fight to feel different, to try and feel normal. Like you say, it is a facade and exhausting.

Through her own suffering and experiences, Dr Weekes learnt that to recover, accepting all the symptoms of anxiety, instead of fighting, suppressing, avoiding, distraction ( i.e. doing anything to not feel anxious or depressed) will eventually lead to recovery. I am very pleased to say that recovery is entirely possible. You just have to understand that you won’t get better until you stop trying to get better. It is the “trying” that keeps people stuck. Let yourself fall into any state and not do anything to feel differently. By accepting the symptoms, instead of fighting them, you are literally stepping aside from yourself and letting your mind and body recover naturally, in the same way the body heals from a physical injury or illness. Give up trying to do anything about the symptoms.

[Igor4253]

Same feeling similar life path.. I no longer look at tomorrow just right now.. otherwise I would go out of my mind....

[Finx in reply to Igor4253]

Igor - I have tried living in the moment but it makes the days so long. I just don’t see how to sustain it as I find looking at just right now is exhausting. How do you manage.