Please please please help!!!! My phd or my husband?

[piramses]

My life is like a roller coaster: always upside down, fast, sharp turns and sometimes straight but mostly upside down.

It will be a little bit long but let me write. In bachelor i graduated as high honour (turkey) then continued master in germany, then to turkey back after master. In meantime, during bachelor i developed severe anorexia but denied getting helped and went for master. Because i could not find a job, i registered to phd (fully founded). My thesis proposal was rejected, what a nightmare, i changed to another topic with new supervisor. He was a great professor, really helping a lot but i could not collect meaningful data for a phd. During this time, my eating disorder got extreme (i started losing my teeth due to vomiting, blumia). Anyway, i could not progress with the second supervisor and changed to third one. Things did not go well and i need to leave.

After leaving, i married with the man of my life. He is german, living in istanbul for a couple of years. our biggest common point was germany. I always regretted coming back from germany, although my life in istanbul is really good. Anyway, when we got married, we decided to move to germany, and my father was totally against it. Despite all the things, we moved to berlin. Lack of my parents support, not having a job(both of us unemployed) and taking money from government drove me crazy. We had severe fights, i was emotinally so low, i was ready and started a fight each time. I felt i was in hell and left berlin. (During the fights a xouple of times he hit me on the cheek). And moved to my parents home., told about his hitting (how stupid i am) After leaving him, i realised leaving him was a very very bad decision and i started regretting. I told my parents that i want to go back, my father threatened me "i will never accept you as my daughter and i will never talk to you anymore" He forced me to divorce, He was so angry with my husband just because i told about the hitting. I cried a lot, whenever i tols i want to go to my husband, both my parents threatened me. I was crying continuously and saying i am regretting to quit him. I was taken to a consultant where she tried to persuade me that i do not love him but it was just an obsession. However i regretted each time. Court has started, and he also could not contact while my father take precausitions from police, if he ever write e mail or contact with me, he would end up in jail. I was going more crazy than ever? What was happening??? Someone else was controlling my life and i was continuously regretted.

In the meanwhile, again i could not find a job, and my consultant told me to continue my phd in another university. And i was accepted to my bachelor uni after 14 years!! I was extremely happy and told everyone i will never regret to leave my husband again. However, 1 day after this success, i started all over again, crying crying crying. After 6 months, (i was about to lose my visa from leaving germany), i could not stop myself and wrote him i do really can not forget him (despite court would take place in 1 month and i could not imagine i would say the jury i want to divorce. I did not want to divorce, i could not resist my fathers threats).

To my surprise, my husband was so happy for my call, he told he was waiting me for this time. He was regretting also for his behaviours and went to theraphy for threatment. We decided to cancel court . And i was so so happy, with all my power, i told my parents we are contuinuing our marriage despite everything. They were so angry, they throw me out from home and told i was not their daughter anymore. I told my husband, i started a new phd and told him to come to istannbul (we have our own flat in istanbul) but he was right to say he told me years ago that he will live in germany, not want to stay in germany. So i moved to germany

We are do happy to be together again. We learnt lots of things, our guilts faults etc. Eveything is ok with my marriage after such a long time.

By the time, my regret was both leaving my husband, and leaving germany. I was so happy now. Additionally, 2 weeks later my leaving parents, i texted them and they decided to accept me again, and support me in all circumstances!!!

And now....because i am in germany, i need to leave my phd again....i wanted to do it so badly, however how can i continue when i am in istanbul and he is in berlin? Duration is 5+ years. I will again lose my husband and i will lose my residence permit .

However, i started regretting for my phd. What if i continue? I terribly want this dr title. But then i lose my husband. And it is a probability that i will not able to finish phd again and lose both phd and husband and germany

I am stuck! While the university that i was accepted is one of the best uni in turkey and i was accepted 14 years after graduation, just because my professors remembered my high honour degree.

And when i was leaving for germany, a prof told me"hey, your first phd was not good, and you got a second chance now. Chances only come twice. "

If i leave for turkey for phd, i now my marriage will not continue and i will regret again and again. If i stay i do not know if i regret extremely and ruin all my life again as i regretted for my husband in istanbul.

So i am stuck....

[hypercat54]

Hi I don't understand. You are saying your husband is in Germany and you are in Istanbul. Then you say you are in Germany? Why can't you do your phd in Germany instead of Turkey? How about the Open University too?

You also say your husband 'hit you on your cheek'. Did he hit you very hard and did you fall down? There must be a reason your parents were so concerned and why court was involved. If he is hitting you then you need to leave him as this isn't a healthy relationship.

It is obvious English isn't your first language and although you speak it very well it might be a good idea to use a translator such as Bing (online). You type in your language and it will translate it to English for you. x

[piramses in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for your reply. I was in istanbul then we decided to come together with my husband, therefore i need to move to germany again. I do not know if i will have a chance to be accepted with a fully funded phd in germany, otherwise it is impossible. And open university...still i can not afford it. And the university in istanbul is free of charge and because i will stay with my parents, i do not need to pay any rent etc, so it is an easy life there.

And hitting issue...no it was not so hard, i do not want to exaggerate. After i lect him, he says he understood his mistakes and our relationship is in order in the moment.

Just my phd issue...

[hypercat54 in reply to piramses]

Well why not see if you can get it in Germany as it might be possible. If not then you will have to decide which is more important to you - your husband or your PHD. I know which I would choose! x

[piramses in reply to hypercat54]

? Your husband?

[hypercat54 in reply to piramses]

You said you are married so he is your husband. x

[piramses in reply to hypercat54]

I mean you said" i know which i would choose" . Would you choose your husband, not phd?

[piramses in reply to hypercat54]

And yes my mother language is not english

[faulhallen]

It’s really not my place to tell you what to do but I think what bothers me the most about your post aside from the abuse is that he doesn’t seem to be supporting you.

Is he still unemployed? I can understand wanting to stay where you’re comfortable but if he isn’t working why can’t he move, her a job for a few years and be there for you?

Given the abuse and not being supportive I’d recommend prioritizing yourself but I clearly don’t know all the details and it’s not my place to tell you what to do. Leaving him would hurt but I’m sure you can find someone better.

[piramses in reply to faulhallen]

He is unemployed. He never worked in Istanbul, I was working and he was taking money from his family. Now in germany, he is working 10 h/week and because it is not enough to live, he takes money from government. The reason why he will not come to istanbul is : during phd, i will not earn money (maybe i can find a stipend, but maybe), it is impossible for us to live.

[faulhallen in reply to piramses]

I realize that it’s not always easy to get a job in another country but is there a reason he only works 10 hours a week? I just don’t see why he isn’t even trying to support you.

[piramses in reply to faulhallen]

Laziness....normally he is well educated, and he can do so many with his profession. But this is just laziness.

[faulhallen in reply to piramses]

Again it’s not my place and I don’t know every detail but I’m going to stick with my original answer. If he doesn’t have a strong reason to avoid moving and it’s important to you he should at least discuss moving or working out some form of arrangement that would allow you to go but still see each other often. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership where you support each other. You can love someone with all your heart and soul and not be compatible with each other. I think you should prioritize yourself.