Help with forgiveness

[JM1064]

I recently posted about catching my boyfriend watching porn after we had come to a mutual agreement in the beginning of our relationship that we didn’t want the other person using it. We took a break from our relationship (I initiated this) and after time apart and him promising that he could prove himself and not break my trust again, I told him I would give him another chance.

I don’t regret this, and feel we are slowly rebuilding our relationship. We had long conversations about why he did what he did and where we will go from here. However I am struggling. Initially I was struggling with the fact that he lied and how I felt I couldn’t trust him. Now I get waves of feeling like he cheated on me to a degree because of how we had already agreed that our opinions on porn was that it was disloyal lust (I know this is controversial and some people may not agree but these were our boundaries). I feel insecure and not enough, on top of feeling like it’s harder to trust him.

Any thoughts or similar experiences you can share? I love him and know his character which is why I gave him a second chance. I also agreed to forgive him so I feel at this point this is something I need to work on internally. How can I fix my mindset and stop having these feelings? I’m still hurt. (This happened a month ago)

Thanks in advance if anyone takes the time to read this.

[Binkynoo]

Hello please don’t give yourself a hard time and feel betrayed it can give you a weird sense of cheating on you however from my experience I would rather my other half watch a bit of porn than actually go and cheat on me . Depending on level of porn I see it like this it’s a natural thing really we all do it sex! iv felt like gosh should I look like those women does he fancy those more do I need to put on an act .No he loves you in some ways it empowers me I am a woman he Ioves and finds me attractive and would rather be doing with me than watching it so that’s another way of looking at it too. It’s still finding out and knowing where your sexual relationship is at . If he is overly obsessed and felt like he watched it morning til night maybe a problem until then don’t let it go let it flow enjoy each other more . I am going through a stage with my self I don’t feel nice and not sexy literally gone off the whole idea if it but I know my husband still finds me attractive and wants me it’s my problem so im working on that il sort myself out and he won’t know what hit him ha . Hope helps .

[Hidden]

I don’t have a lot of insight into this topic, but I wanted to comment so that the other response wouldn’t be the only response you received because I do not agree with what they said based on what you shared about how you view that at all. I think that your feelings are valid! You shared that you believe that your significant other is worthy of your forgiveness, so if you truly believe that in your heart you have a journey ahead of you. When trust is broken there is no easy fix but you have to take it day by day. I want to encourage you to be as open as possible if you want it to work. Tell him that you are trying but you are still experiencing these emotions. If he cares for you he will understand you trying instead of blaming you for not immediately being able to “forgive and forget.” I do not think anything’s wrong with your mindset, I just think you and him need to work on your relationship. Maybe have a date night at home and ask him if you can cook something together and have a night free of media and phones where you just talk and spend time in each other’s presence. I hope anything I said may help!

[Daveyboy77]

Hi

I know exactly what you are going through, myself and my wife have been though the same mill regarding trust . She is a little bit older then me and thinks that when I go out I'm chatting up other girls etc. Now speaking from the man's point of view yes what he done regarding your boundaries regarding porn was wrong but did he explain why he did it ?

Maybe he felt he wasn't getting your attention or maybe he just got curious and just started to look. Either way regarding porn yes in cases it is degrading and we all know it's not the real thing. You have to take this with a pinch of salt. You say you love your boyfriend then tell him you forgive him and move on surly your relationship is more important then this so don't let porn break you in too.

Take care.

[Rick1on1]

I like all the responses you received. Thought I should add my perspective:

I think most ppl who watch porn have been doing so since young. It's an escape, pretty much like watching movies. Many of these ppl have a healthy sex life but the voyeurism is a compartmentalized aspect of their sexuality.

Of course, there are unhealthy aspects of porn especially around rape fantasies and degradation. I dont believe it to be the norm.

You use a very interesting phrase, "disloyal lust". Ask yourself what that means and to what extent it can be used. For an example; when you see your favorite male celeb without his shirt, do you feel a pang of lust? Is that disloyal?

[crowningglory19]

Hi there, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, you are not alone by far. It is sad how much this has become an addiction world wide and really messed up many marriages! Remember, his sickness and addiction has nothing to do with you not being enough. Don't make his sickness be your fault. Even Hugh Grant with a beautiful wife cheated. It is too easily accessed with the internet and takes no commitment or work of relationship on their part, it's just an adrenaline rush and hurts real relationships. It changes the brain chemistry in the same way as cocaine does. fightthenewdrug.org/fifty-w...

Accountability and counseling is recommended if you really want to get beyond this and have true intimacy. When you make love, ask him to look you in the eyes, sharing love between them and meeting the needs of both. Blessings to you, I pray you overcome this together! <3

[Hidden]

Hey how are you doing now? I am going through the same thing

[JM1064 in reply to Hidden]

Hi there, I am doing significantly better. I haven’t been on this app in a while but I think it’s crazy that I decided to log in tonight when you happened to reply to my post. I wanted to respond to you to reassure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you decide to leave your partner, or rebuild trust, the solution will be much better than the problem that you’ve experienced, so please rest in that; it only gets better from here. Although I do not know exactly your situation at hand, I can speak on what happened to me after I made this post- I decided to stay with my partner. Luckily, I have a partner that was willing to hear me out and understand exactly why I was hurt and was very willing to do what needed to be done to build back my trust and confidence (I would not have stayed if he wasn’t so regretful and sorry). He gave me his google login, his passwords, etc. but most importantly was the fact that he even offered these things and cried in my car saying how if the roles were reversed he would be hurt too. He UNDERSTOOD. He also told me that it was not a reflection of me, that I am enough and that it was simply an urge of his habitual past that at one point he didn’t see a problem with. Whatever you decide, I urge you to realize that you ARE enough, you are worthy, you are not the problem and there is nothing wrong with you. It took me months to understand but I do now. Recognize that your partners doings are not on you, and from there you can decide what to do next. private message me if you need anything. Good luck ❤️

[Hidden in reply to JM1064]

Wow thank you so much for the reply! I private messaged you actually. I’ve read a lot of your posts and I think we are alike in many ways and deal with similar things!