desperately need help

[Amber9886]

hello everyone,

My name is Amber and I joined this group because like everyone one else I am struggling badly and need someone to talk to. My parents died when I was a teenager. I have siblings but they are unsupportive and judgmental as well as the rest of the family always leaving me feeling worse. I am married to an amazing man who will burn the world down for me. I also have 3 biological kids and 1 stepson.

I try to talk to my husband when I’m struggling and sometimes it’s helpful. As long as the conversation isn’t about him, or his son. A lot of my anxiety is caused by his son’s mom. She has tried to make our life hell for 10 years. I have done nothing but love and treat my stepson like he was my own, I won’t even do anything special with my kids unless he’s here because I never want him to feel left out or an outsider. That wasn’t enough and 2 years ago his mom is very manipulative and has brain washed him to hate me and view me as an evil step mom. I hate done nothing wrong. I struggle so bad with this and cry so much. I feel like my husband and his son would be better off and more happy if I walked away. It’s just so hard because I love them both soooo much. I’m just so heart broken! I’m getting to the point we’re on the days my stepson comes to our house my depression and anxiety gets soooo much worse. He rarely talks or acknowledges me, doesn’t say thank you, doesn’t listen when I ask him to do something so then I have to ask my husband to tell him. I don’t feel like I am involved in anything related to him, I’m basically told “he started soccer last week and has practice today and a game Saturday”. And I get it I know I’m not his parent but I do all the planning in our family so it would be nice to know certain things. I’m just really struggling with this because I’ve been in his life since he was eight months old so for 9 years we were extremely close to the point where he called me mom and love me so much, so it all to change in a second is not sitting well with me.

And before you asked what caused all this 2 years ago my two young children who were 10 and my stepson who was 9 at the time and I went to this kid thing downtown. I was watching the boys play basketball and they started arguing. I watched my stepson throw the basketball at my son, and my son throw the basketball at him. I yelled at both of them and my son apologized while my stepson kept saying he didn’t throw the basketball when I watched him so until he told the truth he had to sit out. Well he then started saying how I treat my son better than him and how he’s treated like a step kid. That’s all the ammo his mom needed to make him hate me.

My thoughts and all of this is she is making me out to be the bad guy and making our lives miserable with other things because she’s still in love with my husband and is mad at me because we have the life she wanted with him.

[Florida1959]

Its a tough one, seen it so many time's, Green eyed monster syndrome, stay strong, there is a reason your partner moved on, and she is an ex. HUGS

[CLB1125]

this is tough at his age. Reasoning is not really an option. Have you tried talking it out with his dad? Maybe a meeting between you, your husband and the boys would help. Making sure both boys understand everyone is treated equally. Just maybe making it an open subject will help your step son see that you are aware of how he feels. I know about the manipulating ex. I think my step daughters came straight from… All she managed to do was mess up my step daughter. At 17 she left with a man that was a very bad influence on her and her life has been one drama after another.

[Blearyeyed]

It's hard but you do need to desensitize yourself to a certain extent to the way your children treat you , whether they are your biological children or step children.Teenagers can go through big changes in behaviour and can treat family members pretty harshly even if they aren't being influenced by others to do it. It's part of the course. If you know that you have treated him with care and kindness you must remember that when he behaves negatively towards you. Take a deep breath, continue with kindness and don't take it personally, but give him the same boundaries as your biological children.

If he is behaves in a way that deserves being discussed , discuss it honestly but positively with your husband by moving to a private area , and ask if he thinks his son needs to be talked to about it . If he does ask him to speak to your stepson , by being reprimanded by his biological parent he can't put the blame on you.

You appear to be going above and beyond for him, you may want to rethink that. You don't want your biological children to feel like they don't get to do things unless he is involved or wants to do it, He won't appreciate your efforts and it won't change the way he treats you.

But your children may start to resent that situation in time and it could cause more tension between the siblings.

So think on your week and plan to do some things with your biological children that they mainly enjoy on some days when he isn't there and some things he is more interested in that you all do together when he is around.

He needs to learn some boundaries but in a kind way.

You could get into the habit of sitting and taking turns asking what the children would like to do , and also do some activities that you or your husband want to do with the whole family.

If your stepson isn't interested you don't change the plan.

You ask him if he wants to do something or join in, if he says No that shouldn't stop you and the children doing it , you just ask his father to do something with him or keep an eye on him while you and the other children do the activity.

You can just say it's such a shame he doesn't want to take part but you hope he still has fun.

Without these types of boundaries he will just become more toxic because he will know he has more power in the family dynamic than anyone else.

Believe it or not , we all go through this as parents no matter how well we treated our children or how close we were at some point. It is upsetting, and it's more upsetting if you had childhood loss or your are distant with your adult family , but you can't let it overwhelm you or affect your relationship with your husband and other children.

I know I had a few years of this with my own girls, when they reached their twenties they freely admitted they were total cows for a while and said they are stunned looking back that I dealt with them as kindly as I did and apologised for it.

Keep being kind , try to get a response , remind him to say thank you or do his chores but then leave it to your spouse.

Eventually, once he's grown up if you continued to be kind and say supportive things he will realise that he has missed out on the closeness you had when he was younger and he will treat you well again.

If your husbands ex is bad mouthing you , your stepson and husband will be able to judge what they see with their eyes in your behaviour and eventually even the stepson will have to recognise that her words don't match up to your deeds. He just might need to go through a few more years maturing before he acknowledges it.

Her thoughts and actions shouldn't be of interest to you, she is mean because she is jealous but you don't need to respond to her behaviour or the behaviour that your stepson might use because of the way he may be being manipulated. If you do react , or respond negatively, she will only cause the destruction she wants.

The best way to get under her skin , or defeat a toxic individual is not to let them get under your skin. Take care , Bee

[Amber9886 in reply to Blearyeyed]

Thank you so much for your reply.. I needed to read this, I am definitely going to work hard on desensitizing myself and working on myself to better manage this whole situation. I really appreciate all of this advise.

[Blearyeyed in reply to Amber9886]

Virtual hugs , your doing well , Bee