Please help

[Carolynkh]

Its almost 3 years since i miscarried and 2 years since my boyfriend and I broke up. Till now i dont feel normal.my heart still aches for him. I hate him and miss him. I have horrible mood swings, i cant control my obsessive thoughts. I dont want to be alone because im scared of myself. Ive always been unpredictable but not so much as this. I cant control anything. I want to be happy, i really want to. I want to learn how to love myself but i dont know how. Nothing i do is productive and its been that way for three years now. Im in constant battle with myself. I know i have to move on and that only i can do it. But i dont know how. I feel so much hatred and im scared of what im becoming. Im so bitter and i cant help it. I just feel so alone. All i can think of is how can he let go of everything after everything ive been through and just left me. The reason i said this is i had c section was performed straight away after my boyfriend took me to the doctor. My family didnt know, and i was scared. I trusted him and all i can remember was the pain. He burned all my medical papers while i passed out after the c section. He became distant and we broke up . I kept it a secret for a year for him. But after the surgery i became a different person. Later on i started to bleed and i would have painful cramps even when im not on my period. Im still bleeding till now. I couldnt eat and i locked myself in my room for most of the time. My family thinks that im studing the whole time. My hair started falling out and all i could think of was dying. We had already broken up during this but we would sometimes talk. I used to call him up and i was desperate. He ignored and refused to help me while i was in so much distress . I was suicidal but my friend stopped me. Later on i told my parents everything because my health was deteriorating. Everthing changed after that . His friends slut shamed me in our entire locality and i just stayed in for a year. I just hated everyone. He told the members of our church about everything and they all congratulated him for being honest when only i know how much he begged me to not tell anyone or my family about the pregnancy. I became the bad guy in all .Till now i only feel pain and hatred . . Can u please help me? I want to become better but i dont know how or what to do

[glassguy]

I'm sorry to hear about your pain.

[Carolynkh in reply to glassguy]

Thnk u for your reply

[hopeforjoy]

My heart goes out to you for all that you've been through. It's really tough for you because of all the dynamics you explained: the initial pain (the surgery), the subsequent reminders (the ongoing pain and bleeding), the loneliness and apprehension of trying to contain a secret (even from your family), and the totally understandable rage at being betrayed (especially in public).

You're taking a brave step in forcing yourself to find some healing. I hope and trust you'll find the members of this site to be warmly encouraging to you as you continue your courageous journey.

[Carolynkh in reply to hopeforjoy]

Thank you for replying. Its the rage im afraid of. When the rage gets too high i dont know what to do. I cant quite explain the feeling. But i dont always feel like this. Im okhay for months but one day it would just come back and i would lose control.This is what scares me so much.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry for the pain you have endured and continue to endure. Miscarriages are painful physically and emotionally and I can relate to the heartbreak this causes. I've had 3 and have no children. Large fibroid led to miscarriages and showed up on no test, including a sonagram as it was hidden under my uterus. Only when they explored through my belly button it was found ., very large Fibroid, and I had to have a hysterectomy to remove it.

You're ex boyfriend is someone you do not need in your life at all. The papers he burned is horrific selfish act and I'm know you can get copies to keep for yourself.

I strongly suggest a support group for women who have suffered miscarriages to help you cope with the grief you feel. You've suffered the death of your baby...it comes with a myriad of sadness, pain, depression, anxiety & loss issues.

Immediately disconnect yourself from this ex boyfriend who is cruel person. Change your number, refuse calls, do not respond in any way shape or form with even 1 word. He's not supported you one bit and there's a world full of wonderful men who would be excellent loving boyfriend's. However, I know priority one to take care of yourself and the pain you are going through. Find a group or a Therapist. Do your research, not all Therapist are good just like with any other professional. Some good some not worth your time. Sometimes it takes seeing a few to find the right one.

I'm always here for you. ♥️🙏🌹🤗

Hugs to you Sweety. If you need me or the group, we are here for you 24/7.

♥️♥️

[Carolynkh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply. Yes i have forced myself to disconnect from him. After i had a few breakdowns , months after the surgery, he said to me you were fine before and why is this suddenly happening. I just couldnt believe it. Ive tried seeing therapists. I went to one a few months back. She was so nice at first. She was understanding. But after i told him who he was (they are quite respected here) my therapist became distant and we cancelled 2 appointments. I stopped seeing her after. Im so sorry to hear about your miscarriage too. I guess no one understands the emotional loss we suffer .

[Hidden in reply to Carolynkh]

True. Well said. In order to truly understand someone has had to go down that road. I do think people can be completely empathic not having gone down that road offering kind words of support.

❤️🌈🌻

[Hidden]

First dear, you said you had a miscarriage then a c section. Which one was it. There are very mean people in this world. I know about this myself. I was abused by my birth family, then I disconnect from them, it is a long story to tell, but if you read about me with P TSD, you will find out. My siblings have made themselves look good, and me the villain, friends, or relatives don’t call me anymore for years. First go to dr. If your still bleeding, then go out have fun, meet another decent guy that you can trust, there some of those out there too. Let go that jerk, he was not good enough for you.❤️

[Carolynkh in reply to Hidden]

After the doctor said i miscarried , c section was performed right after. Thank you for your reply. Its just that every time i try to get back up, i cant and i keep falling. Sometimes i would think why is this happening to me and not him and then i felt rage and then sadness. Im sorry for u too. I dont get why people ruin each other.

[Hidden in reply to Carolynkh]

Honey there’s just all kinds of people especially these days. I had to wonderful daughters till this happened to me. They knew of my abusers, but they still see my abusers. I never thought in my life my own daughters would ever go against me, but they do. It’s hurts so bad every single day of my life, that’s why my PTSD is even worse, and it hasn’t gotten better. I have to work at it every single day to live a happy life for what I have, who loves me, and that’s my 2 grandchildren, and a friend that really cares about me. Every morning she texts me in the morning says good morning, look in the mirror now, what do you see, a good person, I love myself, I deserve better. Each day she writes this I look in the mirror say these things she tells me, and I know what I’m saying is right! Try to do the same thing for yourself. ❤️Always here for you!

[Carolynkh in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I guess we all do have our own battles to fight. Its just so hard. I dont think i will ever be as tough as you. You are going through so much too. They say time heals everything but i guess just not everything.

[Hidden in reply to Carolynkh]

Dear I’m not that strong. Tears come out of my eyes all the time. for14 years now. If you ever need to talk I’m here.❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I strongly suggest you find a therapist to discuss your issues with. My blessings.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh I have physiatrics, pTSD therapist, every kind of therapy you can think of including TMS for 14 years. When you have several traumatic events in your life it’s very hard. If you read my story you will see, I didn’t even tell it all❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm sure. Good luck to you. So have you felt you've made progress?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Very little, when traumatic things still keep happening. My drs.tell me I can be with this for the rest of my life. The TMS lasted for 3 months, very expensive. I just keep on pushing myself forward. PTSD is in your neurological system.Without my daughters love it makes it far worse. But I will keep trying everyday. Thank you❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

In response to ghi123 yes there are "mean" people in this world I agree however there are many many wonderful people who offer friendship hence kindness etc ..

[Carolynkh]

Thank you for your reply. Im waiting to get healed. Sometimes i think im making progress and later i find myself back to square one. I know falling is a part of life but i would always get back up. This time i cant seem to get back up. That terrifies me

[Hidden]

Yes, I do have a kind, loving friend❤️

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Beautiful ❤️