Where do I start? I'm not suicidal. I love my nieces and nephews and I can't bare to think how that would affect them. However I don't feel like my life is worth living. I feel miserable at best. My life hasn't been a picnic for as long as I can remember, but when I think it's terrible, it gets worse.
My 40th birthday was a few days ago. I "celebrated" in a hotel room by myself. I am currently an unemployed Nurse. I haven't worked in about 2 months, which is baffling to me. I never had a problem finding a job before. My career has taken a few hits this past year. As a result, I lost my car and had to give up my home. I'm staying with a sister whom I do not like. The only positive side is that my niece and nephew from another sister live here as well and I know it means alot to them that I'm here. My sisters and I used to be close, but we have grown far apart over the years. If they didn't have kids, I don't think we'd deal with one another at all. I was in a serious relationship earlier this year for the first time since 2009 and it didn't last long. My heart was broken again. Not as bad as when my two friends of almost 20 years told me on the morning of my birthday that I am a difficult friend, a friendship with me is a burden and it is draining. I wasn't surprised though. I suspected they felt that way about me a long time ago despite me always being there for them through their difficult times.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in November of last year and bipolar disorder in June. I took medicine for a month, but was unable to follow up with the psychiatrist because I moved for work. I've been trying to see someone, but my family isn't very helpful and I don't have anyone who can help. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if things don't change soon. I want to cry all of the time, but I have to put on a face in front of the kids. I don't know why I'm so unlovable. I don't understand why I'm in this situation. I used to pray, but clearly that isn't helping. (My religious beliefs are a whole other topic). I guess I'm just posting this to vent, not sure how anyone can help. Maybe this will help someone in a similar situation. I can say that this site helps me feel less alone and out of place.
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SimplyComplicated
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Your not alone with these feelings...If I may suggest and offer as an option:
Often when we have friends or family say those unkind things to us it's because of them, not you. We change over the years and so to do our relationships....these people you were always there for sound like takers, and not givers, that is not your fault....that they were giving themselves the cowards way out of having to be reciprocating and being there for you by blaming you, and on your birthday now less. You have simply outgrown those relationships and are now reaching out. Where there is a will there is a way. If you want to use the kids as your pilar of strength...then do so, and go and seek a new direction with professional help, find a way.....and take your medication so you do not have to suffer. Get better, feel better and then sign up for the on-call nursing registry so you can work when your feeling well enough too. Then if you have to ....rent a room in a co-op living situation away from your sister, but close enough to stay in contact with the kids. All of this will help your self esteem, and help you build yourself back up....but you need meds with bi-polar. I take SSRI's for my depression....many do not... for their own personal reasons, but my meds do help my mood swings. hang in there and keep sharing....this will get better....don't give up.
Thank you for your suggestions and encouragement. I'll keep trying to find a ride to a therapist so I can get help and resume taking meds. I feel as though they were working before my prescription ran out. I'm a very giving person so most people around me have been takers. I recognize that now because I have nothing to give and their true colors are showing. I'll get thru the pain of their betrayal as I have many, many other heartaches.
Praying for u hope things get better for u don’t be so hard on yourself try to keep yourself busy do the smallest things it don’t have to be big at all good luck
Thank you. I'm working really hard to see the positive in my life right now. It's exhausting sometimes, most of the time. I wish there was a day when I could be happy and not have to fight or pretend to feel that way. Although I wish others in the community didn't feel this way, it does help knowing that I'm not alone. I appreciate your encouragement and support.
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Feeling Stuck 
This is why I never had children, and I sadly guess I never will.
At my breaking point.
Feeling hopeless 
