Tired of trying

[MNS_04]

I was feeling okay for a while but now its all back. I don't want to go out and it takes me a long time convince myself that I have to do things. I have nobody that I can tell about my depression because it's been happening for so long now and I feel like I'm such a burden to all of them. I just feel awful every day and alone and I'm so tired of it. Also even though it's only July, I've been getting really nervous about my senior year because I'm taking some hard classes and I have no idea where I want to go to college or what I want to do. I really don't like how fast time is going by and it makes me nervous and sad. I'm also sad because my SAT scores weren't that good and to graduate with honors I need a 4.0 GPA and I have a 3.9. This stuff matters because my brothers got high scores and they graduated with honors and I'm just tired of being the messed up and not smart enough child. I try so hard and I get nowhere and I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of not being good enough, mostly for myself. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

[Focusedonimprovement]

I was surfing the web for info on the anxiety I'm facing and came across your post. I feel compelled to respond because you sound similar to me in high school. I never was truly happy in high school and my grades were worse than yours (I wasn't close to making honors).

I didn't crush the SAT or anything like that and ended up in a local university. College changed everything for me. I got more flexibility in choosing my schedule which in turn helped me sleep better and that improved my focus and led to better grades. I ended up doing great on the LSAT and going to a top 3 law school in the country (I don't want to get to personal on an anonymous website). Needless to say my parents and family were incredibly proud of me and it was completely forgotten that I underperformed in high school. You can accomplish the same thing, so even if high school sucks, things can change in a new environment.

[Findingme]

How about going to a careers counselor and asking them for help to work out your areas of interest, and help to put over your goals to your parents in a way which would help them support you?

[Shelfie9]

I want to share that I felt an overwhelming burden to be perfect in school and never felt good enough, smart enough or that I would be enough. I hated Sunday nights worried about whether I had finished everything I was supposed to, was it right? Somehow I knew that if I could just power through life would get better at some point. It did I controlled everything and found a narcissist to marry, then divorced and another to date. I know I allowed those things but through it all I survived and got stronger and started letting go of all the control, a little at a time. The only guarantee in life is that you mean so much to at least one person that you probably aren't even aware of you owe it to yourself to stick around and figure out who that is... what a fun distraction. And conquer your fears little by little to open yourself up and you will find we are all scared of rejection and being alone. So be vulnerable and know that if the person does not respond they are simply not that one, or one of them. Therapy not only comes from reading but writing to you, reminding me of how I should be thinking as well!

[Findingme in reply to Shelfie9]

I know that pattern of repeatedly having relationships with narcissists. Being a child of a perfectionist narcissist who witholds love as a means to inspire hard work tends to set you up to repeat the cycle until you grow enough to get out of it. However if I had more awareness of the problem as a young child I think I would have internalised the problem less, and not had to go through so much with my 2 ex husbands.In fact, had my parents been made aware of the effect their brand of parenting was having on me, and been able to just say to me that they loved me regardless of my grades, it would have been even better. Why is it so often the child who has to learn, not the parents?

[Shelfie9 in reply to Findingme]

It's so hard to do but we have to break this cycle and to be happy, we must learn to love ourselves and be fulfilled. I work at this daily and have good and bad days. Anyone can have children... makes for a lot of bad parenting. You are here, you can have a happy life. Talk to us here, seek a professional (I continue to see a therapist), and I think most importantly commit to yourself that you can and want to change this for yourself. Love will come. Healing will come. Anger and resentment will have no room to stick around. Stay in touch if you like.

[tomhealy]

Hello,

Have you been down the formal route of visiting a healthcare service to talk through your emotional diversification from your normal self. Try to take a step back and identify with your state of being and not with the depression, by this I mean try and look at yourself from every emotion and not just through the eyes of depression and to complete a self evaluation of "I feel this because of this", why do you get angry? or frustrated? and especially what make you happy. By recognising these traits and triggers you will know what to avoid and what you need to work on and do more of.

One of the main things you need to realise is that your 'depression' is not your fault and it is not the fault of the people around you. If you take into account all of the things that are changing around you and the choices you are having to make then you are bound to feel weighed down to some degree. The biggest realisation will come from withdrawing from your state of "I am a burden" and accepting that there is something wrong (which you seemed to have done) and that you do need help. To disassociate from the presence you are assigning to yourself "I feel like I'm such a burden to all of them" and to move into the state of "these people are my family or my friends and I can rely on them even if it doesn't appear that way" will be a big transition, one that will take effort and much contemplation, but I believe you can do it. You might not feel like they will listen or understand but to give it a go is a move in the right direction.

The self comparative level you are placing yourself in in regards to your sibling and maybe peers is something that you also need to realise that you are not your brother, you are you, you are destined to do different things to him, this may be through the use of something more practical or something different. Whilst grades are different here in the UK I know that there will be different routes you can go down if you don't meet your goal.

I could talk for hours and if you want me to elaborate and explore more then feel free to reply to me and we can get a rapport going :)! I wish you the best <3

[MNS_04 in reply to tomhealy]

Thank you for replying! These tips really help a lot, and I will work on them! I think that if I put these thought in place of the negative ones, it will really help me feel better! Thank you so much <3