Yesterday was my birthday and I spent most of it just staying away from everyone. I was disappointed that my friends on FB did not wish me a Happy Birthday, except, my sister and 2 cousins did, but only because I posted a Happy Birthday to my dad. My sister saw it and wished both of us a Happy B'day. Otherwise, no one would remember me. I didn't have one gift to open. I feel hurt and kept thinking about why am I staying alive for. I stay for my parents and dog. I just keep thinking if I die now I can be free of pain and maybe return as a different person. I plan to live for only 3 more years unless I lose someone I love then I too will go. Therapists, psychiatrists don't help and neither does my meds. I keep thinking about what I do every day. Wake up, watch TV and take more pills to sleep and make the day go faster. What am I waiti8ing for, a miracle? I am 57 now and I don't see the point of growing old without my parents, who are my support. I have tried to off myself before but not on purpose. I feel too old now, missed so many things like family get-togethers on holidays. At first, I just didn't want to go anywhere. for a few years now I thought this might be a way for everyone not to miss me as much since I'm never around. I keep thinking of how to go and when. I live with my parents and they go away for a month to travel. I keep thinking that is when I can harm myself. It will be easier than doing it when they are here. I always feel guilty and know it is a sin to think of suicide. I gave up the church a long time ago. I feel dead already. I don't work, but I have saved money and RRSP'so when that runs out soon I will be a burden. There is nothing to look forward to anymore but a life being alone. I wished to die so many times and I told my therapists that, it's best for my family. I feel there is nothing else I want anymore. I even smoke a lot instead of quitting, hoping I could get Cancer. I've thought about working in places where people are dying because of Aids, or Ebola, and they are easily contaminated. I think I made up my mind already. \i'm just posting this because \i say things better when I write things down. I am not asking for help.
Tired of waiting: Yesterday was my... - Anxiety and Depre...
Tired of waiting
Happy Birthday!!! The world is a better place because you are here, sweets.
I am sending a box of virtual chocolates, all wrapped up in a pretty red bow. I hope you like them. 
Thank you for the candies. I actually got a lot of happy birthday's today on FB.
Happy Birthday missskippy! Since Krazie started the ball rolling for your special day yesterday with virtual chocolates.. How bout I send you a Big Virtual Hug so you won't feel so alone.
P.S. Miracles do happen skippy. Believe in that xx
It's hard to believe in anything anymore. It's like when I feel good something happens. My family and relatives know I have depression but they don't really understand. They think it's an excuse because others get better in a few weeks, months. Failed at that too. My parents are old and I don't want ruin their senior years worrying about me. I think my family is tired of me being depressed. It is not only for me I want to do something it's also so they won't have to worry or feel bad because they think it might be their fault I am like this. Therapy doesn't help and I only went before just to see if it makes a difference. I talked openly but I don't get anything out of it. I was planning a long time ago that I would be gone by 40 years old. I'm 57 now, and nothing has changed. I take my meds but if I have a headache i don't count how many pills I take anymore. If it says 2/day I must have taken 8 or more to just fall asleep. Thank You for replying but I give myself 3 more years unless something happens I can't take. I'll be OK for awhile.
Hi, you say you don't want help so I will try not to "help" you; but just to say that me too I find it cathartic and releasing to write down my feelings and I have had all the feelings that you are describing, though I don't have them all the time. I am 60 so a similar age to you and having similar thoughts. What has stopped me is the fact that my dad is still alive at the age of 95 and how it will hurt my sister who has tried to help me and the many others who have tried and still do try to help me. I have recently responded to another post about the "ripple " effects of a suicide and I know this to be true because I have a friend whose son killed themselves and to be honest at this moment the family still feel "destroyed" and unable to find any meaning in their lives. This is not to "guilt trip" you. Like me, maybe you feel so alone and afraid in life that sometimes it feels like the "right" solution. I do think we can undervalue the effects of our actions would have on others. People may not always say it but there will be people who you can connect with and who you may come to have feelings for in the future. You have no way of knowing that this isn't true as it could be true as if you reach out maybe there will be someone or some people who are "there" for you with all these desperate feelings you have. I don't know if you're in the UK but I do find the Samaritans here in the UK are very good at just listening. They do care and if you are in the US I'm sure there is a similar organisation.
I did say I wasn't going to try and "help" as you specifically said you didn't want this, but this is just sharing my views of a similar situation.
gemma xx
Thank you for talking about your experience. My parents too are the reason I'm still around but I don't want to be a burden for them. I don't have a job I loved because I was accidentally hurt at work and was hit in the mouth and lost my teeth and since then I've been hiding from friends I use to have. They stopped asking me out or phoning. I told them I was moving as an excuse. I can't get a job because I am so embarrassed, and now I have no income except disability pension that wouldn't even be enough to get 1 tooth. It would be 2 months of disability cheque to pay for 1. I need 4 and I'll never have it and it's hopeless unless I win a lottery. Thanks for talking.
What an awful thing to happen, losing your teeth - I am guessing they are the front teeth? Sounds as if you are somewhere on the British Isles? Here in the States, there is something called Workers Compensation. Do you have something similar at your location? That would pay for your teeth. There is also a website, called 'gofundme', that takes donations for your cause. Worth a try, eh?
I wish I had a basket of 'quick and easy' solutions for you. The best I can do is empathize with your situation.
You didn't ask, but it seems to me that sitting around the house fretting over things is causing a lot of harm to your psychological well-being. One of the best ways that I know of to help myself feel better, is to do for others. Folks who are down and out are so appreciative, it lifts the spirits. I am wondering if you could volunteer at an elder home; or maybe a Children's House, where children are taken short term when first removed
from an abusive/neglectful environment; or anything of similar nature. If you knit or sew, perhaps you might consider making items for disaster victims. One of my favorite things to do is scout out old, beat-up furniture and refinish it or paint it, depending on the condition of the piece. Then donate it or sell it. I know all of these things take you out into the public to a greater or lesser degree. But I have a hunch that once you start getting out and about, you will find that people won't have much of a reaction to your missing teeth.
I guess what I am saying is that your life doesn't have to stop. We get out of life what we put into it.
Blessings to you, dear one.
I can see that you have spent way more time on your demise than on your survival...that’s a problem. Your negativity and darkness are quite thick and obvious. I’m also 57 and feel like I’m just beginning to understand and deal with my illness. My birthday was in March and I didn’t get a single present either because we had no money. I was ok with that as I don’t rely on others for my happiness. I’m always disappointed when they don’t meet my expectations, so I try not to have any at all.
Don’t kid yourself into believing that your family will be better off without you as that’s a lie that depression tells us. They will be devastated and what a horrible thing to come home to...a very dark legacy...that’s how it will be viewed. That’s just the truth.
Constantly thinking on this dark subject just keeps you down and sick. I realize that you’re not asking for help, but you desperately need it...
By the way, I would think long and hard before betting on reincarnation! Your outlook mystifies me...have you ever toyed with the thought of building your own life, separate from your parents? You’re lucky they’re still alive! Mine are both gone as is my sister. I stand alone in my birth family. But I still have hope for the future. It would really be nice to hear from you that you want help!
It's not that I don't want help but I didn't think people should have to bother with my problem when everyone here also have their own problems. I was getting used to not talking about how I feel because it just makes people uncomfortable and feel helpless. My family don't know what they can do and I can't tell them because I don't know why I am like this and why meds and doctors don't do anything for me. I think it's because I failed at trying to make things better and then screwed up things. I am really terrified of losing my immediate family and my dog so much that I want to go with them or before them to avoid the pain. I lost my dog after he was my only friend I haven't scared away. When he died I felt pain where I didn't know what I will do the next day or the next without my little baby. I have no kids and get along with animals better they don't argue they just listen and love you. It's been 11 years now when he died and I have another dog but she is 11 now and I lose them when they are 14 or 15 yrs old. I still feel a lot of pain for my first dog and didn't know if there was someplace to grieve with others who lost their pet. I know some people think it's stupid to be so depressed about a dog, but he was like my baby and I can't tell people who don't understand. Now I have another one and have only a few more years with her. I told therapists this but they just nod & wait for me to figure it out. I've seen so many therapists when I worked and i never once feel they did anything but listen and I feel awkward when they don't say anything. I hear take baby steps to reach a goal. After so many years of seeing doctors, and taking meds I should already be running marathons not baby steps. Thank you for offering to help. I never expected so many people to reply because I don't want to bother them.
You realize that by saying that you don’t want to bother others, that you’re actually using that as an excuse to stay sick and not seek help! That’s ok, it’s common. I’m just trying to help you see. Meds and doctors are just a portion of what I need to do to recover from depression...yes! You can recover! It takes practice and work to help yourself. Your family cannot help you with this as it’s your job now. I would start with replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones. This takes vigilance! Thinking positively is so important! Don’t dwell on the past or the future. Live in today only, addressing the things you have control over and letting go of the rest. Letting go of the things in which you have no control or cannot change is also a big deal and very helpful. It’s all about changing the way you think towards positivity. I work on these things everyday and so can you! That is, if you want to get better...you have to be willing. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time.
I also depend on my higher power for just about everything. It’s all in the seeking. Giving up on this is a mistake unless you want to stay sick and negative.
I would encourage you to work on these things. It’s all very simple in theory, but hard to do. You have to want it! Push forward! You can do it! Give it a go! Wishing you the best 🌷🙂🌷
Thanks, but I don't know at my age that there is anything left to look forward to. My sister talks like you always think positive. I find she gets mad when I don't do what she said and now won't talk to me unless it is not about how I feel. I lie then to make everyone comfortable. Some things just don't work for everyone and it's not because I don't want it too. I know what could make me happy but I can't get it without a job, and every day is the same. I guess I'm past the part about really wanting it now. Thanks anyways.
Giving up is your choice! Good luck with that!
I can really relate your reply missykippy and I would reply the same to a similar message. It isn't just a question of thinking positive. If only it were that easy and also I don't think you are deliberately staying sick or anything like that. We ARE sick, but we don't do it on purpose and have probably tried just about everything to try and help ourselves which is why we are still alive at this moment, but I get you, I really do as I feel the same as you without the pets cos I can't look after a dog or a cat. I am genuinely too sick and I could not care for an animal. x
Happy Birthday I'm glad you were born!
Thank you but I'm not glad. Sorry
Happy birthday! 🎉
I’m sorry nobody seemed to remember you on your birthday that can be truly hard. You said you don’t want help so I won’t say much more but if it helps you feel less alone I’ve had similar thoughts about smoking. I smoke cigars rarely but the thought has occurred to me that if I smoked all the time I could kill myself faster and not truly be committing suicide. Just know so long as you’re active here you’re never truly alone.
Thank you for writing.
Hi Missskippy,
Happy belated birthday!🎉🎂🎈🎊🎁
My birthday was about 3 weeks ago and I stayed away from everyone. I turned 60 so it meant something to me. And I was incredibly disappointed.
I know you’re not asking for help but you posted here for some reason. To vent? To share?
The majority of us here experience the same things you are going through.
My mom passed last year and I have no parents left and I just want to pick up the phone and hear her voice.
I live where we have tornadoes and terrible storms. I always think I won’t seek shelter and maybe something will happen to me. But I’m like a bad penny, I just can’t die. I’ve been in a severe car crash, attempted suicide and I had an ex who tried to kill me. I ask myself “what the hell?”
And this week has been particularly hard for me.
Life is hard, it can be a struggle but hang in there.
As my son told me when I asked why I didn’t get anything for my birthday from my husband, he told me maybe my expectations are too high. Well, that stinks so my standards now are to have no expectations and I won’t be disappointed.
You don’t have to view my comments as help but just as my experience.
I muddle through each day one day at a time. I hope you can get through each day too.
Take care. 😊😊
Thanks for sharing. I wrote because i had no one to say what I'm thinking without them being afraid. I am like you as far as experience. I did try to kill myself but it's like nothing works. I feel like there is a heaven and a hell and maybe I already am in hell. I heard that saying "only the good die young". So unfair to see good people die and then someone like me is still here. I was going to die when I became 40 but I'm still here. My family say it is taking so long for me to get back to normal. Then they say this person or that person was cured fast, not years like me. If I open up about why I don't want to live my sister said she doesn't want to hear it. It also makes my mom stressed so I keep it in until I found this site. If I work I can feel like I am helping out my parents. I am the oldest of three sisters. It seems like I missed so much already and now feel I'm older and won't find someone. I lost my front teeth accidentally when I worked a long time ago and have no job so I lost confidence when I open my mouth and some people laugh. How do I fix my teeth if I can't earn the money by working and can't ask anyone else because they have their own problems. Thank You for writing. I don't know how you do it. I think I'll be OK for a while yet but don't know what I'm waiting for.
Wow. I have thought the same thing. I know there is a heaven so this must be hell too! I also heard only the good die young but that’s a Billy Joel song and it’s your depressed mind talking.
I have had horrible teeth all my life and have every type of procedure you can think of. I’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars on my teeth. My mom had bad teeth and ever since I was 18 I’ve had toothache after toothache. Finally two years ago I had the remainder of my teeth pulled and have dentures.
I understand the embarrassment of missing teeth, it’s horrible. Is there a dental school near you that can make you a bridge or implants? I would look into services that could help you. Make some phone calls. You don’t have to live like that.
When your sister tells you she doesn’t want to hear it, it’s because she cares. The same with your parents. They care.
I care. If I can hang in there, you can too. I know you can do this. Everyone has problems. Not just you, me but everyone else on this support group has problems too. Even rich people like Robin Williams. Money can’t buy you happiness or love. I wish it could. One step at a time.
Your job right now is finding a place where you can get your teeth fixed. Make calls all day long. Your city or state should have clinics that help. Getting your teeth fixed will help you a lot. Then find a job. But one step at a time.
It’s not easy but I know you can do it. You will be happy. You are strong.
I believe in you!
Lots of hugs, Dee
Can so relate to you. It could almost be me writing.
I'm another person here who knows a little about your mind (I'm 61 btw). Believing that I might be the one who takes me out someday has done me a favor: I am not afraid to die. You might realize you're not either. You know what's great about not being afraid of death? You don't need to be in any hurry about it. It's going to happen one way or another eventually, and now you can stop worrying about it. I am as serious as I can be about this. There is freedom in feeling that while I'm in no hurry to die, I'm also not desperate to live.
You know what else is great when you're not afraid of dying? when you think you might even have the ability to decide for yourself when it will happen? It changes things. It takes away the fear of the future. You already know that if it isn't bearable, you don't have to bear it. So what's the harm in hanging around to see how it goes?
It's actually a pretty amazing place to be, if you ignore everyone else's opinion. You are now free to decide to live each day, one at a time, one moment at a time. It is an amazing thing, and something I never had in my entire life until I came to this place of no longer being afraid of the end. Maybe you can put aside the strategic thinking for a little while and see how it feels to just live today. Maybe you'll find it freeing, too; and let the future fend for itself.
Happy birthday, my friend. To be continued ;
You are right I felt better when I stopped fearing death. I can have that control & it did help me do things. My fear is losing those closest to me, like my parents or my dog. I kept people at a distance so I don't have to feel as bad if they left. I live with my parents and I wish I could be confident again and do the job I worked to have and what I always had as something to be proud of when others think they are better than you. I don't have anything I can be proud I did on my own that not everyone can do. I felt I was good at something and no one thought I could go to school and actually stay and not quit. I think maybe my being really shy in school and missing classes for 3 months since grade 6 must have been anxiety. Just realized this not too long ago because it seemed too young to have anxiety. I skipped out of school when I had to do presentations in front of the whole class staring at me, it was easier to leave. I did this missing school as an adult and work. So when I experienced my first death of someone close, my grandma, I kind of stopped being so free and became scared of who will be next. I was 17 and used to have arguments where I said things i feel bad about and a lot of guilt. I never thought of dying then I was too selfish and wanted to go out with my friends and have fun. So when she died I changed. I was a nurse's aide and saw people die before but not someone close to me and I felt I should have known my grandma was sick and could have done something like send her to get checked, she died of lung cancer at 78 yr, I think because she lied about her age. I thought of what my grandma did to raise 3 kids during WW2 and seeing her husband die. She went into shock for awhile but she raised her kids to be a lawyer, an accountant and a doctor and became the chief librarian. My mom told us how my grandma worked so many jobs and my uncle. I wish I could have that time back where i talked to my grandma but then I never thought she would die so soon to when I could appreciate her. Anyways I got carried away writing again. I feel better though, so thank you for sharing.
I like hearing your story; it makes me feel less unique -- which I believe is a good thing. I'm going to yammer on again below, so you can take it or leave it. In my case, my father is still alive and I also have a dog. I love my dog, and I try not to think about when he will be gone, I just promise him that I will not leave him. My mother found a way to die when rheumatoid disease finally took away her ability to use her body. My brother died at 55 from a heart attack due mostly to smoking and drinking and living hand to mouth his whole life. My sisters are morbidly obese and have the consequent disease (including my older sister having had a stroke when she was 50). My parents were highly educated and relatively successful, yet their families (my extended family) are mostly working class and low-level professionals. Yet even on that side, I had an uncle who also ended his own life. I've been in therapy for two decades after coping with the anxiety and trauma stress poorly for most of my life -- doing a lot of what you did: not showing up, making excuses, skipping or dropping classes -- it took me an extra three years to finally get my degree. So I kind of get this.
Things had to change because by my early forties, I was ready to say I was finished and ready to end it all -- ironically during a time when I owned a business and had a pretty stable relationship, and should have been on the way to "success."
Do I still miss my mom? Sure, but when I find her in me, I smile. My brother? Sure, but I gave his guitars to a recording artist in Nashville and now they are doing what he always wanted to do, and that makes me smile. I have, with time, accepted and acknowledged their deaths just as I accept all deaths including, at some point, my own. In fact, losing them has, in some ways, made death easier to accept in general. Some hit me harder than others, but that's what grief is for. In the long run, I shouldn't need any particular person in order to survive; we had what we had and I gained or lost by the experience, but that relationship is done and I need to focus on what I have now.
So, yadda, yadda, yadda and...
Comparing myself to my family members is not great for me. I have learned to let that go, too, over time. I think it's important not to create any relative relationship between one person's hardship and another's. People are always doing that: Thinking what they're going through isn't that bad because so and so had cancer, or some people are starving. Unless we all want to be Mother Teresa, it's a useless exercise to compare our struggle to those of others. We have to focus on our own thing (which is what your grandmother most certainly did). We also have to let ourselves be proud when we feel proud and not be looking around to see if anyone noticed.
All this stuff takes practice, but you'd be amazed at how much more satisfying the slightest victories become when we get the hang of it. No one is living your life but you, and you are living no other life but your own. Nothing counts but what you want to do for you. If, for example, your goal in life is to be famous, then you have to live your life for others -- I doubt anyone finds that to be truly satisfying (except for disordered narcissists; and nothing is ever enough for them, so even they are never happy).
When you can cognitively shut out all those voices telling you how things should be (including the ones embedded in your brain) and instead see things for what they actually are and for what you, yourself, and you only want them to be, the path to get there gets a little clearer. It's hard, hard work because we were trained all wrong by our otherwise wonderful parents. They didn't know that raising us to try to please them would give us a very unworkable view about the world that we would have to struggle to overcome.
I feel like you have a deep understanding of what you want and just need to pare it down to its core. I feel like you can distinguish between what you need and what the world tells you. When you figure you only get this one life, who should it really belong to: you? or everyone else? I vote for you. Only you know what makes you proud. Only you know what makes you smile. Only you know what matters to you. No one else has even the slightest right to tell you differently.
See, now I went on and on, but while all this boils down to something very simple, it's not that simple getting there. I think you're a lot farther along the road than you might think until you really look at it. You have taken control of your existence; now take back your life, too, and let yourself live each day your way.
I apologize if this is getting "advice-y." I'm mostly trying to relate the journey I've taken, mostly in the last ten years. I feel something in common with you and want to see you find a place where life makes sense. Of course, what I want is what I want, right? 🤟🏻
Thank you for telling your situation. I'm glad you wrote. I don't quite know how to use this site yet and maybe you would know something to help. How would you delete old posts? I don't know how to reply to a Chat, forgot to say I'm not that good with computers and terms so I didn't understand the explanation I found here.? What does it mean you have a follower and what do you do? What if someone is bugging you with their advice and makes you feel worse.
I would guess you can block people. If you go to your profile, you can see who is following your posts. I haven't had to do anything yet along those lines, but this site being what it is, I would guess there are ways. No one should have to endure someone who is hurting them (even if they believe they mean well). If I find anything, I'll try to let you know. Otherwise, you could try to send a note to the administrators. I'm sorry that you're having some negative experiences with some folks. I'm pretty sure the people who run this would not want that to happen. Take care!
I must say I taken back by this post. I don’t get the point. It’s like here is a a person putting everything out there and follows it up by saying I’m not asking for help. So here I am reading all this pain to be told basically don’t comment. Imagine how confusing it is for me reading this post, I would much rather know that my input is valued, rather than, “hey I’m not asking for help. “I would imagine your therapist and doctor feel the same way. God gave us this gift”life” yes it’s hard, but it doesn’t always have to be this way. We can all help you! Pray for the willingness to be open to others around you!!
I've been like this for maybe 30 years and I will be alone if my parents are gone. I can't see why I still have to feel pain when I don't have a life now. I don't get anything out of talking to therapists, it's all the same things they say. I'm just having a hard time finding any reason. I gave up the church a long time ago it felt like God doesn't want me to be happy.
Being like “this” is a choice. We have to be willing to shift things. So hey things haven’t been great for you in some time, that’s ok. Things can certainly change, just because yesterday was bad doesn’t mean it has to ruin today. My friend often reminds me to put the bat down and pick up a feather. I say the same to you. Reading your post I felt compassion towards you, but you shut us out, I wonder if you realize that? Please keep sharing, pray that god allows you to hear and be open to all around you. God is love.
I can understand the idea of saying you are not asking for help. I think what you mean is that you don't want to upset people or make them feel responsible. You simply want to be able express how awful you feel , and this is one of the beauties of this forum. I Iguess that's what you meant?
I too have had the awful experience of people being frightened, my sister won't discuss it etc. It is because the idea of doing this is so beyond their own imaginings that it is unthinkable. We only see that our pain will be gone and maybe we will have some peace and not bother people. But the thing is it DOES MORE THAN bother people when others do this.
Part of me felt well why should I stay alive for people just to keep them ok when it is me who is suffering; but I do think there is a "midway" answer. I think the teeth thing is bothering you the most so do look into any way to solve this issue.
I'm guessing you don't have any money but if you do I have tried "alternative" therapy such as foot massage which has really helped reduce the suicidal feelings and make me feel "connected " again. I've researched the whole idea of why we feel like we do a lot and I believe for me anxiety, insecurity and damage in that way is what leads it for me which also leads to depression. There is the reality we are both living under in that I am unmarried, no children no grandchildren (you too? me aged 60 you 57) not developed properly. It hurts. It really really hurts but these are things I cannot change. It can be difficult deciding whether this is "bearable" or not and whether or not I may have to "go" sooner rather than later. Trouble is WHENEVER I did it if I did it there would be "casualties" and i'm not sure I can do that. However as above replier said I keep it as an option.
There are still ways you may not have tried that you can make you feel a bit more grounded. (such as the alternative medecine; acupuncture, reflexology, body massage, hand massage etc. etc. Though I know if you don't have money everything is extremely difficult but there may be social centres where these things are available at reduced cost?
xxxxx
Thanks for sharing your experience. You are right I wanted to express how I feel so I can say how I feel. Since I don't want my family to feel bad. I didn't want to ask people for help when I wrote down how I feel. The thoughts of not waking up to the same thing over and over again is tiring. When I feel like crying I just go to my room. I thought I was better last 2 years I did things like walking my dog in the morning or going to exercise in groups. I felt OK with others in my exercise class but I would get some anxiety and feel nausea then I can't o anything after. I think it's because my doctor retired and it is hard to find another doctor who knew me well. I am divorced, no kids, but I love my dog like a baby. I had a dog for 15 years and he died & it hurt so bad and I still can't think of him without feeling like I want him back. My dog loved me unconditionally so I talked to him. Felt safe talking to a dog and knowing you have someone on your side. I wasn't afraid to lose him because I promised I would be with him and then I feel guilty for not being there with him. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I have another dog now and it scares me when she dies. She is 11 i/2 yrs. old so I know I only have a few years left with her. I need a dog because it is someone to keep me busy and gets me out of my room and house. I feel better today after everyone keeps wishing me a happy birthday. I didn't want to bother people by venting that is why I didn't need help, so people didn't have to write. I'll be OK for now. Thank you again.
I so understand where you are coming from. I feel so many similar things myself. I am glad you feel a little better. It has helped me too seeing someone who thinks the same as me ; I really get it. x
I think I find it easier to talk with someone closer to my age. Thank you!
Happy birthday! 🎁🎊🎈🎉🎂
Keep on fighting the good fight. We are all fighting with you. Please stay strong. <3
Happy Birthday lovely!!! I’m a new member and your post was the first one I read. Although you may not see it now, you would be missed so hang in there and keep posting.
Thanks. I'm still new so I did not expect to so many people to care. Feel better right now and I ended up getting birthday greetings the day after on FB. I guess I still can hang on.
Birthdays I think are always a very stressful and triggering time for those of us with the problem we have. I remember posting not long ago ; it was around my 60th. The whole birthday thing was awful. I saw my family but I am not close to them and felt more alienated. Things tend to settle again a few days after the birthday is over; but I still get all those feelings and share all those sentiments you have.
It is nice to be "lifted" if only for a day or so I feel. I am trying to just take one day at a time as I have "postponed" doing the other thing as I cannot go through with something that will hurt others and if I did try and fail my friends would give up on me completely I know. I still feel they don't really "fill the gap" but they do try and do their bit; though i've had comments from some to just "take my tablets" which I translate as "shut up about it (roughly)". I DO get how draining it is for others but I honestly think we didn't wish ourselves in this position. It isn't through want of trying or a lack of willpower. I am an incredibly brave person and i have fought this illness (or whatever it is) for decades. Each day I have to try incredibly hard. I am still here and still trying but the best thing that was said to me was by a caring clergy person. I asked her "what if I did feel I just had to do the deed?" (you know what I mean). She said God would still love me because if I felt that bad I deserved even more of his love. I am definately not telling you to go ahead and do it as I do think there are other ways, but I did find it comforting. If ultimately after all this pain and torment I've finally had enough someone out there has actually not blamed me and said I will be understood and still valued as I must be in such terrific pain.
Please don't take this as a "reason" . I would never want you to do that. It would be irresponsible of me. There ARE other ways. Just saying what was said to me. We are not weak, we are ill. Very ill and trying to get better in the best way we know how. xxxxx
It’s going to be okay, DM me if you need me.
Missskippy, I would love to know what are your parents like, or what have the family dynamics been like for you guys? I know with myself my issues all go down to my upbringing.
Just wondering as our feelings seem so alike.
If you want to continue this post at some point in the future or make a new post I'd be interested in knowing that.
gemma x
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I'm tired of being tired and tired of trying
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Getting tired [venting]Moderation team
