I've suffered with various levels of depression and anxiety most of my life. My first known anxiety attack was in the 4th grade; I didn't know what was happening but I was smart enough to keep it to myself. In my late 30's many pressure points came together and I suffered a complete emotional collapse. I was almost incapacitated for many weeks and was unable to work for about 8 months. Many prescribed drugs and numerous counseling session followed. At some point, about 2 years later, I realized that the drugs, while needed at first, had become the problem and I weaned myself off of them. I had come to accept that I would never really recover but I was getting better slowly on my own. I came to realize that I am who I am, I have always been this way and there was no need to become someone I'm not. I accepted my general introverted and never quite happy nature and moved on. In the years since I have been on a road of slow but general improvement; 3 steps forward and 1 step so to speak.
I've never been able to manage more than 2 or 3 friends at a time. As the years past that because 1 or 2 friends until now when I find that I've isolated myself to 0 friends. I forgot to mention that I am married, 2 kids and 4 grand kids. How can I have 0 friends then? Simple, I don't share myself with anyone. Why? It never leads to anything good. My wife has tried to understand but it's beyond her. She always wants to blame herself one way or another so I simply hide it from her. MY son followed me down the proverbial rabbit hole. While I contemplated suicide and even made one aborted attempt many years ago his attempt almost worked. If I had not come home from work early and found him the drugs would ended him. He has recovered and has two great kids. I still struggle in a swamp, he can't know where I'm at; it wouldn't be fair to him.
So what's up this time? At age 59 I am trying to recover our retirement plans. After my collapse I was under employed for 10 to 12 years, we spent our retirement saving to keep our house. Only in the past 4 or 5 years have I been in a position to save big in hopes of one day affording a retirement. My wife never wanted to do anything but child care - it's her calling I realize. That puts 100% of the financial stress on me. She works earning maybe $15K annually but she has always made it clear that that's her money. The only way I could possibly catch up with retirement is to take a job demanding 60 to 70 hours per week and extreme travel. I am currently in week 3 of an 8 week tour of job sites. I have 1 week between now and the end of the year which is not already planned. Even when I am home I'm never more than a phone call away from loading the truck for 12 hour over-night drive or heading to the airport. I was smart enough to not accept the job until they agreed I would be hourly and I am fortunate enough to have a skill set so rare that I can get away with such demands.
What's the result of my situation and why is it dragging me down the depression whole all over again? After all I have a fulfilling highly technical job which pays a significant wage. I am working all of these hours, traveling hundreds of miles every week, sleeping in hotels ... more than 200 nights so far this year ... knowing my chances of surviving till retirement are very slim. Even if I do survive I'll be so worn out I won't have any enjoyment in retirement. It makes me wonder what's the point. I've given up trying to explain these things to my wife. I'm more more than 20 years older than anyone on my team - they can't relate. I've so isolated myself that I have no friends. Over the last two day's driving I've found myself looking at oncoming trucks and wondering "what if". I'm a long way from taking action but I know that just the random thought is a giant red flag. So here I am...
Echos from the past
Depression from the past
at the edge
Need Advice
A struggle from the start. 
