Hello everybody. I've just registered here and I need to get this off my chest.
Here's my story. I was around 14. My family had this group of friends with whom we were spending a lot of time, celebrating New Year, birthdays, bbq etc. My mom was very close to one family in particular. The father of this family was spending a lot of time at our place and once when we were alone in the room he kissed me. It's useless to say that I was thrilled. I liked him. I'm trying and trying to remember my feelings and my thoughts before that kiss. I was fairly shy introverted girl and was definitely flattered by the attention an adult would show to me. I grew up not feeling entitled to ask for something, I was always accepting the things the way they were. I used to go with the flow. Before that first kiss he could put his hand sometimes where he shouldn't have to, some hugs lasted more than needed, maybe some compliments were not very appropriate. However nobody has ever noticed anything wrong in his behavior. Me neither. Probably because his ways looked "fatherly". In retrospect I think my mind was just registering all that stuff as weird without further analysis. Obviously he didn't limit himself to a kiss. We had our first sex, my first sex at his place when his wife wasn't there. And he dared to say that I wasn’t a virgin according to him. Then in his office, in the car, touching and kissing when nobody's watching during the family/friends gatherings, too many secrets. I will not describe here all the disgusting and shameful circumstances in which we had intercourse. The story lasted maybe a couple of years with varying intensity. In front of the others he was affectionate, funny, proud of my accomplishments. He probably convinced himself that he was just passing by while I was actively looking for someone with whom to explore my developing sexuality. So I picked him. But it's a lie. I just played the game that he proposed.
It took me many years to realize the extent of the consequences of that period of my life. In medium term he has undermined my trust in myself, in my family, in long term he's made my relationship with the whole world morbidly non-transparent. He made me feel way too different from the others to build solid relations, to connect profoundly. I learnt some self-destructive coping strategies and was still able to function and reach my objectives. I even built a meaningful relationship and managed to talk about it with my partner. But without a huge relief. In the end there will always be that big secret between me and the world and I will never be able to talk about it openly. Like many people who can freely talk about their trauma and be comforted. I consider my pain incomprehensible. I’m Lolita and Lolita remains a controversial figure, often strongly condemned. I'm also mad at my family because they let this monster into my life. He cynically exploited my ingenuity, my insecurities, my family's trust. He hurt a friend of his kids. I feel like this story will never come to an end because it's too late. The book went to press without the final chapter. I can work on it with a therapist but the world will never know. I can't put this heavy burden on my family and neither his kids deserve it. I can barely think about it myself and I can’t just brush it off like some stupid teenage story. Sometimes I feel like my life is made of false highs and true lows. When I’m in the worst shape I always come back to that dark place in the past.
Even now that I’m writing I’m wondering whether all this dirt is too much for this place of support.
Thank you for reading until here. I know that I need to work on it with a therapist and at least give a name to this mess in my head but in the meantime, I would be happy to hear anything you have to say.
xx
Things took a turn for the worse
The price of the love of a dog......My story.
I’m at my breaking point 
Struggling with depression 
Need a friend
