Hello everybody. I've just registered here and I need to get this off my chest.
Here's my story. I was around 14. My family had this group of friends with whom we were spending a lot of time, celebrating New Year, birthdays, bbq etc. My mom was very close to one family in particular. The father of this family was spending a lot of time at our place and once when we were alone in the room he kissed me. It's useless to say that I was thrilled. I liked him. I'm trying and trying to remember my feelings and my thoughts before that kiss. I was fairly shy introverted girl and was definitely flattered by the attention an adult would show to me. I grew up not feeling entitled to ask for something, I was always accepting the things the way they were. I used to go with the flow. Before that first kiss he could put his hand sometimes where he shouldn't have to, some hugs lasted more than needed, maybe some compliments were not very appropriate. However nobody has ever noticed anything wrong in his behavior. Me neither. Probably because his ways looked "fatherly". In retrospect I think my mind was just registering all that stuff as weird without further analysis. Obviously he didn't limit himself to a kiss. We had our first sex, my first sex at his place when his wife wasn't there. And he dared to say that I wasn’t a virgin according to him. Then in his office, in the car, touching and kissing when nobody's watching during the family/friends gatherings, too many secrets. I will not describe here all the disgusting and shameful circumstances in which we had intercourse. The story lasted maybe a couple of years with varying intensity. In front of the others he was affectionate, funny, proud of my accomplishments. He probably convinced himself that he was just passing by while I was actively looking for someone with whom to explore my developing sexuality. So I picked him. But it's a lie. I just played the game that he proposed.
It took me many years to realize the extent of the consequences of that period of my life. In medium term he has undermined my trust in myself, in my family, in long term he's made my relationship with the whole world morbidly non-transparent. He made me feel way too different from the others to build solid relations, to connect profoundly. I learnt some self-destructive coping strategies and was still able to function and reach my objectives. I even built a meaningful relationship and managed to talk about it with my partner. But without a huge relief. In the end there will always be that big secret between me and the world and I will never be able to talk about it openly. Like many people who can freely talk about their trauma and be comforted. I consider my pain incomprehensible. I’m Lolita and Lolita remains a controversial figure, often strongly condemned. I'm also mad at my family because they let this monster into my life. He cynically exploited my ingenuity, my insecurities, my family's trust. He hurt a friend of his kids. I feel like this story will never come to an end because it's too late. The book went to press without the final chapter. I can work on it with a therapist but the world will never know. I can't put this heavy burden on my family and neither his kids deserve it. I can barely think about it myself and I can’t just brush it off like some stupid teenage story. Sometimes I feel like my life is made of false highs and true lows. When I’m in the worst shape I always come back to that dark place in the past.
Even now that I’m writing I’m wondering whether all this dirt is too much for this place of support.
Thank you for reading until here. I know that I need to work on it with a therapist and at least give a name to this mess in my head but in the meantime, I would be happy to hear anything you have to say.
Written by
grey_mouse
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Hi grey, I always question responding because words can never be enough and I am male. I applaud you for sharing your story here and especially with your partner. If you haven't met with a therapist I think that they could get you to a point where you felt closure.
I looked up the Lolita term, how terrible. I don't know if you are in the US but there are laws and an age of consent. Our society puts girls in makeup and girls dress just like adult women, and I assume that when people dress showing cleavage or whatever they want to look "sexy". This ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT validate any person "sexualizing" someone that is not an adult. You can argue that someone hits puberty at 12 or whatever, but they can have adolescent relationships with other adolescents. I am trying to get across that an underage person does not have any responsibility whatsoever for an adult coercing them into sexual relations. Society has plenty of problems and that a young woman can ever be made to feel responsible for bringing this harm upon herself is a major one.
That man had a responsibility to keep you safe, not to mention the vows he had made to his wife and the duty to his children. I think that every human feels flattered if someone shows interest in them, and of course you will if an adult shows interest. It is a human reaction and very relatable.
Again I hope that sharing the truth gives you some relief. If my dad had done that to someone I would want to know the truth. Of course it would be life-changing and I would not look at him the same. Still, it is better than living a lie. That would be a great topic for therapy, whether to share what happened with your family and his.
I apologize if I said anything untrue or painful in this post or if my male perspective is screwed up.
Dear LoveforAll, all you said is absolutely true. I think there's an age of consent in all the western countries but unfortunately it took me too long to realize what really happened. At the time they did not talk that much about sexual abuse of this kind. Moreover apart the legal side there's a total lack morality in his actions. It hurts to know how far a person can go following his dark instincts. Even today when we are much more aware, some people keep blaming the victims. I myself from time to time question my part of responsibility although my rational side rebels against this nonsense.
Me too I would like to know the truth about significant people in my life but.. to be honest I don't feel strong enough to assume this huge responsibility. I just can't put this burden on his kids. I think knowing that would wreck them.
thanks for the reply, mouse. You haven't been to therapy for this right? I recently realized that my parents contributed greatly to exacerbating my anxiety in therapy, but I haven't told them about it because I don't think that it would be healing for either of us at this point. I think who you might want to talk to or not is a great discussion to have with a therapist and those who are close to you. I hope that getting it out in words here has also helped.
Congratulations on being able to talk with us about your experience, this is the first step in coming to terms with what happened. It was horrific what that man put you through and you should never blame yourself for it. Therapy will definitely help you get through this.
it’s never easy taking that first step and opening up about abuse as a child. Thank u for sharing Yes it happens and seldom talked about instead put too back of mind where it festers and leaves self doubt about whether it was something u done that caused it too happen then u question ur true sexuality U put ur trust in someone and they betray that
I'm grateful to you for using the word "child" because that's how I felt like back then, not a teen, not a blooming young woman, but a child. And yes, it makes you doubt your judgment about everything.
He took advantage of your youth and innocence. I wonder if he has done it to others, even his own children.
Firstly, you need to forgive yourself, because you didn't know it was wrong, and it would be a good idea, If you can, to tell your parents. It might be hard to do, but I feel this man needs to be stopped. If your parents could bring themselves to call police about it. Many predatory men get away with this because they are so secretive.
I'm not going to go off on a rant, although I would like to, but it's not your fault, nor, if he kept it so quiet that even your parents didn't know.
The facts date back to more than two decades ago and unfortunately I spent most of that time making mistakes, trying to do my best and wondering from to time why the heck do I feel so weird and out of place in certain situations. I have to admit it was very selfish of me.
But I don't think I could do otherwise. Probably my psyche was defending itself and left a lot of thing just buried in the back of my mind.
Later as I thought back I coudn't think of any other girl around him he could approach gradually, by testing the waters. But of course I can be wrong. It scares me if I think that I was not the only one.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
xx
Things took a turn for the worse
The price of the love of a dog......My story.
I’m at my breaking point 
Struggling with depression 
Back From the Past
