The past

Hi all recently I have been having constant thoughts of a girl I dated for a short time 40 years ago yes 40 years. I keep catching myself remembering things really clearly like the arm chair we would cuddle up in at her parents house, clear details of places we went to, silly comments her sister would come out with, hek even the smell of her perfume.

Now I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday or even what day it is but these thoughts keep popping into my head so clear it's almost like I am there then as now as I am wrighting this I am overwhelmed and start to cry.

PLEASE anyone what's it all mean????????

[b1b1b1]

Have you thought of trying to get in touch with her? It would be a risk and she may've moved on, but at the same time it may well be worth it.

[Agora1]

What it means is that as we get older, we can remember the past with more clarity sometimes than the present. Those who have made a beautiful memory in our hearts and mind will come up in our thoughts from time to time. It's a way of reaching out for comfortin those better as well as innocent times of our lives.

I see that you have 2 choices. One is to reach out to her (as b1 suggested) and take the

risk with the possible disappointment) or Two, you can leave it as a beautiful memory of the past. Your choice since stranger things have brought 2 people together after a long time lapse. If it is meant to be, it can happen. Good Luck, keep us updated. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I think after 40 years its best to let things go. At the chance of answering the question myself maybe what I had back then is what I crave for myself now quite simple I suppose its the love and affection we had. My marriage has been over for many years realy but we still live in the same house for financial reasons Maybe i have sloved it but I cant get over how crystal clear it all is so much at times I could almost touch it and its only happened over the last week or two. Thank you all for listening I just felt i needed to to tell someone before I go insane .

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

You are very normal my friend. Our body was made to take care of itself. This isjust one of those ways that our mind brings us back to better times in our lives.

You're not alone in your feelings. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

I have a similar marriage as you, and I have vivid memories of certain people and certain times. I frequently day dream of those times just to get through the horrible days I live now. The present is so bad

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

It's good we are not alone, I lack the confidence to do something about the situation at the moment it just feels like I have no fight left in me.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

Me too. I’m numb. I’ve been very quiet for 4 years now. Lost my desire to talk- no one listening anyway. There’s a lot of thoughts in my head but I prefer to keep them for me

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

The last 14 or so years have eaten away at me like a cancer seems she has taken my self confidence away I sometimes think she only keeps me here is benefits driven by money I feel I have not been allowed a life. This covid thing has left me trapped at home as the support group I used to go to is closed because of it.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

What kind of support group? My general view is that most people are not worth getting to know. Most are unkind, judgemental, lack empathy. My bed is my safe place.

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

It's a mental health services but catered for a range of different people I used to help out with activities read and coffee ect it was an escape twice a week but now like you I would rather stay in bed but I don't sleep well been awake all night now.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

I sleep great. So peaceful to turn off the thoughts. It would be nice to have a group to meet if non judgmental and caring

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

It was nice a place full of broken people where you didn't have to explain yourself I miss it but covid shut it down what seems like a lifetime ago.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

Sounds special

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

Yes it was good made me feel useful. Enough about me thanks for the support. How are you?

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

Me? I’m in the same boat as you

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

Yes sorry you did say sorry for going on about me you matter as well. Maybe one day will will find a way out of this promise I will let you know if I find the answer.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

I lack confidence like you. I am highly educated, well read and smart - but somehow paralyzed in my situation. Suffer from social anxiety

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

Me too had good jobs in engineering ect over the years house paid for ect. worked 8 or 9 days a week so I would not have to be at home did that for the last 10 years I worked. Had to give up work about 6 years ago because of injury and a breakdown. I don't go out no friends and anxiety.

[Iammesues in reply to Hidden]

Life is so hard for some of us. Stuff that we could handle years ago now knocks us down

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

So true I used to think I was invincible in my early days of work and the old guys would say to me your suffer when your older. Why did I not listen but being a teen I of course new better!

[Doyg in reply to Iammesues]

Not true in my opinion.

[Arkus in reply to Hidden]

If there are no children, why on earth do you stay in a miserable life?

[Hidden in reply to Arkus]

It may look simple from looking at at it from the outside looking in but in here on the inside trust me it's not. I feel stripped of self confidence and like a pervert for wanting a normal sex life. If by some miricle someone showed an interest I would probably run a mile because of how she has made me feel about myself + where would I go anyway?

[Arkus in reply to Hidden]

The road you are choosing leads to ill health, believe me, I've been there. No it isn't easy, but if you need to save yourself you have to do what it takes. Stop thinking about who you are, but think about what you want.Build up your confidence and don't think of anyone else right now. Know that confident person can enjoy a great life. I knew a very short man who walked as if he was 6’ tall, owned the world, and relished life. It was sexy.

I found a lot of good advice in self help books. You don't need to pay a therapist to understand yourself, develop and become wiser.

[detour13 in reply to Agora1]

Wow what a great respond!!!!

[Iammesues]

Even just reaching out to say you have such nice memories could be nice

[AnxiousCanadianChic]

I am the same. I’m in a 16+ year long relationship that I’m not happy in, I don’t love him and he’s very verbally abusive. I can’t work due to my epilepsy and anxiety and I have felt stuck for years. I keep thinking about my 2 exes.. my 2 loves and it drives me crazy.

Logically I know I’m only thinking about them so much because it’s the being in love that I miss, not really them( I mean I do miss them but I know it’s more that I’m missing the love I felt when I was with them).

I think many of us in unhappy relationships look back and miss that love.

[Hidden in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

Makes sense really I suppose she was very loving and loved to cuddle up in the evening in front of tv that's what I would love to do now.

[Iammesues in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

My daydreams are my escape from reality. I run the same dreams through my mind. Involves someone who is so kind to me and so empathetic

[Hidden in reply to Iammesues]

I think you may of solved it for me she must be my daydream thank you big kisses.

[Jstbcuz]

You didn't say if your currently married? Did you recently divorce? Loose your spouse ? These would be reasons why your thinking about someone who brought you joy etc? It's normal to think of te past, we all do it. When it interferes with daily functioning this would be the time to seek therapy to unravel your feelings.

[Hidden in reply to Jstbcuz]

Been married 30 years but not what I would call a normal marriage a sex life in her view is something perverted. We are I suppose separated but stay in the same house for financial reasons. From what some of you say it's because I crave the love and affection yes a sex life might have been nice but honestly I would would love to cuddle up in front of tv now and again. There were other girls with good times what is bugging me is how Crystal clear every detail of that time with her is almost scaringly so.

[Jstbcuz in reply to Hidden]

You obviously had strong feelings for the gal your thinking of. It's ok to think about her. It's when it becomes a problem in your daily living that consumes a lot of your time that it becomes a problem please think about selling a therapist to help you sort it out. You deserve to live happy. Have you searched the internet for the gal you think about? She may be divorced thinking about you too. I don't want to give you false hope. Step out if your comfort zone and get busy doing something you love to do. The more you keep your mind busy the better your going to feel. Mean while, seek a therapist that can help you sort this out.

[Hidden in reply to Jstbcuz]

One pretty major detail in all this I haven't told any of you and is so very upsetting despite seeing her face and smelling her perfume like she's stood in front of me I can't remember her name and that's killing me. I wouldn't want to disrupt her life by finding her but it would be nice to know if she's happy.

[AnxiousCanadianChic in reply to Hidden]

I honestly don’t think it’s her in particular you desire, or you would for sure remember her name. I 100% think it’s the cuddling and all that you miss. I keep thinking about my ex but when I REALLY think if he was to msg me and want me back, I would say no. Although I loved him so freaking much he was very selfish and my bf now is also selfish (I sure know how to pick ‘em 😂). I miss and crave being madly in love.

My other ex I would for sure get back with, he was soooo sweet and kind but was only here on a student visa and when university was done he had to go back 😢.

You also have to remember that you have this fantasy of this other woman but you weren’t with her long.. I am sure most relationships out there get kinda stale after so long and as for sex, I know women usually have very little sex drive during/after menopause.

It seems in your mind it would be great to be with this other woman but just realize ALL couples go through things and no marriage is perfect.

My suggestion is IF you are indeed separated, go out and meet new people. Join clubs etc. and you might just find someone awesome who you have a strong connection with.

[Hidden in reply to AnxiousCanadianChic]

Hi I fully agree it's the plain and simple love and affection I crave not a particular person. I felt it strange that the details I remember were so clear and strong it started to worry me a bit but now after analysing it a bit with the help of you all I see what it means. My marriage was not right from the start as far as a sex life goes it was like a chore for her and slowly over time she has managed to make me feel like some kind of pervert. So with my self respect no existent I find it impossible to go out into the real world.

[Jeff1943]

Forget it. Been there. She looks like your grandmother on a bad day.

[Hidden in reply to Jeff1943]

My granny was actually quite hot before she died

[Tara52]

That happened to me a 2 years ago. I think loneliness kicked in the long term memory to remember happier days of the past. I didn't allow myself to indulge in this mental activity for too long though. It can't result in anything positive. We have to stay in the here and now and make the best of our present circumstances.👍🙂

[Hidden in reply to Tara52]

Thanks for reply have been getting my head around it and what it means. It was only a short relationship maybe 8 or 9 months but what we had is what I crave for now thing where easy back then no me of life's pressures.

[softwaremom00]

Hugs and love to you. If you just reached out to tell someone how special they were and expected nothing back then it is probably ok. I love my honey but if I ever heard from a long past honey full of kind words, it would be very flattering and someone else to add to my prayer and get well list. It is nice be someone's fond memory even when you are happy. Staying silent is ok too.

[Dolores2]

It simply means that you, like many of us here, are getting old. Sorry, but it's true.

[Hidden in reply to Dolores2]

Thanks 😂

[Dolores2 in reply to Hidden]

Don't know if that is a sarcastic THANKS, or not 🙄. I truly did not want to be hurtful, just truthful 😀.

[Hidden in reply to Dolores2]

Don't worry about offending me I don't take things to heart I know you mean well👍

[Dolores2 in reply to Dolores2]

😘

[Hidden in reply to Dolores2]

NO!! I am only 17 and in the morning when I wake the last 40 years have been a nasty nightmare.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Still not woken up yet not sure if I'm strong enough to face it😂

[Hidden]

I agree with the other members who tell you that you're totally normal. But I am sorry you're in pain. I will share that when conditions are lousy in my marriage my nighttime sleep dreams are punctuated with positive experiences I had with past lovers. The imagery is so vivid and intense that I wake up feeling very depressed for hours sometimes. The mind is a tricky little stinker. Don't beat yourself up. You're totally normal. Hang in there, brother. xo

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. On reflection I'm not sure I want to be normal they are some odd as scary people that seem to think they know what's best for us. My late father used to say it's being mad that keeps us sain.